Shame and guilt over anxiety - panic and illness

BluAngel
I understand your feelings exactly. I was raised to turn the other cheek, always raise your hand if no one else offered to head up a project and I made it my life's goal to make everyone happy.

Over the years my husband has become upset, lectures me and told me once he could not stand being around me. I was crushed and tried so hard to cry in private, get a grip and quit dumping my issues on anyone in the family.

You do not have to control or take care of your family - take care of you. Love yourself and know the world is a better place because you live and serve within it.
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

I used to have lots of stomach problems. It was due to anxiety, and almost every one of my friends and family thought it was stupid and in my head. They were half right. Either way, I lost some friends because of this. The ones I have left are annoyed any time I get sick, and same goes for family. Right now I'm dealing with dental problems, for example. Haven't seen my friends since it started weeks ago, and they think I'm avoiding them. Last year I moved in with my mother to help out with my grandmother, and have since rented a small house that has turned out to be way too close by. My dental problems are bad enough to keep me from doing much of anything until they're fixed. My mother wants me over at her place every single day to do something, and if I'm slow or don't show up she gets angry. Not annoyed, angry. And she knows very well that it isn't in my head. She has seen the Xrays of my mouth and even a lay person can see a tooth broken in half down the middle. I'm thinking about e-mailing PDF copies of my mouth Xrays to my friends who at least have sense enough to lay off when they see something really is wrong.

So, basically, even if you make a lot of progress with your anxiety it can still haunt you. Some people will remember the time when "it was all in your head" and will think that anything that may happen to you is still in your head whether it is or not. I think if someone blew my leg off with a shotgun my mom would get angry that I couldn't go to the grocery store for her or mow her lawn. It's not really about my past anxiety. That's just a convenient excuse. She is frustrated about her own life and needs to find blame somewhere.

Do I feel guilty? Hell, no. Do people try to make me feel guilty? ALL THE TIME!!! And it gets really old but I just have to live with it. I'm not going to ditch my few remaining friends or disown what little family I have left.

CONT - My extended church family actually took me off the members list cuz they said I hadnt been often enough last 3 yrs since my mothers death and I became 2 sick 2 drive 60 miles there n bk. Work actually said God was trying 2 tell me 2 quit cuz I cldnt possibly b able to b effective if my mother had died altho work was deemed best in state. Its like Im a throw away person whos getting erased. My whole life n profession has been 2 help n empower others but since Im sick med n w/ P/A, I have no place anymore. I dont understand. Why do ppl love things and use people - not the other way around? SAD.

Post Edited (BluAngel) : 3/7/2011 2:17:00 PM (GMT-7)

See, thats the thing. My mother n inlaws when living n even ex & ext church family always meant the best n truly believed that wld get me better. If they were just critical/uncaring it wldve been less hurtful. I know they meant well. Get angry cuz in my life Ive had over 20 surgeries, about 15 diagnoses, many congenital n had Drs explain to them. Last 25 years been told by Drs I prob wldnt survive & yet I did & Im here despite allll odds. Say Im a walking miracle. I know u cannot control anothers thoughts or receive validation you want 2 have. Pt my fault 4 pretending I was fine n hiding it. Shoot- had my own big fat denial going on. Benatars Hit Me W/ Your Best Shot. Running programs n the prison they jumped when I said move. Drs amazed. Guess I wanna go back and be Superwoman & cant nemore! WELL, new directions 4 my life now. I just realized it amps my A/P off the chart cuz its like I dont know who I am now n what 2 do w/ my life. I was born 2 b 3 things: mother (boys r grown) daughter (mother just died) counselor/program director/criminal justice (cant work). Lots of work 2 do. Overwhelming n scares me. Ill stop whining now. Get scared sometimes and ashamed 2 fear.

Anna - sorry hubby may have 2 stay longer but u nvr know. Things can change on a dime. It was rough when my son was in and places he had 2 go. Not knowing on 911 If he was ok in DC. But thank God it all worked out. Laid off first time 2 yrs ago. Back n 6 months. This time 2 sick 2 work nemore and that was 11 mos ago. Miss it badly AND the money! Draw unemplmt til ssdi approved. Taught me I can squeeze a dollar! Its why Im going 2 stay w/ sister. Cant bear thought of being away frm sons. Do you ever go thru the day feeling like youre doing something wrong? Im not so I guess its the anx. But I always have the dreads. Just waiting 4 Something 2 go wrong n feeling like Im doing something wrong. Cld b so used 2 working n running n now Im a couch tater. New abiotics 2day. When Im sick my anx gets high. But remember, never give up 5 minutes b4 the miracle happens. Ive learned thru all this that we are 3 times stronger than we think we are. HUGGZ