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Need support! My mom is dying...

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Posted 3/5/2011 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
Elen- I dont think my earlier reply went out. Sweetie, I lost my mom not long ago after watching her suffer n taking care of her alone. She had a traumatic brain injury. We had nvr spent over 2 wks apart. Dad died w cancer when I was 13 so it was just us. Best friends mom daughter sister spouse (sorta) father - we were all 2 ea other. I cldnt believe Imissed her passing by 5 mins. Actually thought I cld keep her here by force of will. Had control fear n God issues. I suffered evry secoond w her. Told God he mite take her but I wldnt give her. But found a pure form of love I didnt know existed. Had to love her more than I wanted 2 keep her. Realized by her beliefs she had spent 87 yrs 4 @er reward. I cry now cuz I cldve written evry word u did. We were ea others lives n no prep made me ready. Took a lg time 2 find good things that had come from any of it but I have. Its a long process. I saw a grief counselor for cpl months which was INCREDIBLY helpful. My p-attacks were out of control.

My panic attacks were out of control n felt like I was falling frm a plane with no chute n nothing 2 hold on2. I have been learning to focus more now not on her passing but her life. She taught me so much by her life but believe it or not, as much or more by her illness and passing. A lot of funeral homes offer free grief counseling but I cannot recommend that strongly enough. Its a process that has so many nooks and crannies I dont know how I wldve made it. And whatever it is you feel - its probably 99% normal. My heart aches for you cuz I know. Please come back. Support here can get u thru nn helps others 2. And by the way, my Angel mothers name is Mary. Hold on and whatever spiritual not necessarily religious beliefs n practices help, hold them close 2. HUGGZ
Posted 3/9/2011 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Stkitt... I never thought about this, about the whole thing of grieve. I knew that people cry, but I didn't know that it could be so bad and stay for a long time (my mom passed away on Feb 26, so it is not so long ago). I just talked to one of our employees and he told me that he still has dreams about his parents (and they both died about 20 years ago). That's scares me even more. I wanted to change so much..Why I didn't spent more time with my mom? Why I came here to live, so far away? From other side, I couldn't live with my parents all my life anyway, this is not natural. I was trying to be a good daughter and I was my mom's favorite one (the youngest, born with hips displasia I got all love from my family). I loved my mom very much. I think that I love my parents more than anybody loves anyone, it feels like this. And feels like only me alone in the world have this pain... If I would have my own kids, they would probably would take my mind off for a bit but I don't have any children (oh yes, should have by now, I'm 36, but being immigrant and working hard full time is not easy, also I'm very responsible, as well as too anxious and afraid to get kids... that's another story).

Stkitt, I have no idea how you went through all your pain. So many deaths in your family, I can't imagine that's possible. And to bury your own son should be the most painful thing... And sisters and brother too.. How?.. My God, it's seems so unfair to get all this pain on you. How do you survive? Are you very religious? I know it helps to think that all these people in heavens and watching you. I can't imagine to go through this pain otherwise. I'm so sorry that you went through... I want to think that my mom is in a better place, I so desperately want to think so...

Grief... I hate this word. When I was reading anxiety books I always passed that chapter. I had bad panic attacks before and got rid of them, I still have anxiety disorder. I have about 15 books about anxiety and panic and phobias, but I always pass the chapter "grief". I didn't need at that time, even knowing that my mom had terminal cancer I didn't read about grieving process. Grief is my physical pain. I feel chest pain and I afraid that I will have a heart attack (my biggest fear, it started with my panic attack). My eyes hurts too, some weird pain behind my left eye, then couple of days later behind my right eye. I'm thinking maybe I have some tumors in my head too. I feel luck of air and taking deep breath in very often. I can't walk fast and talk, I feel like I'm breathless (i'm skinny, not overweight at all). I became paranoid. I even don't know what to concentrate on. Busy at work, thinking about my mom, feeling all these physical symptoms on my self - that's too much to deal with. I'm glad that I have Xanax, I take a small dosage every day. I dream funerals almost everyday. Funerals and horrors. It is so exhausting. Maybe I should see a doctor for some pills to sleep. I can't see therapist, I have copayment $40 for each visit and I can't afford now. I went to therapy last November and I didn't feel anything better. It seems like my life was interesting for my therapist and I was talking all sessions without getting any advice how to live. After 6-7 sessions I stopped seeing her, I just can't spend so much money on somebody who just listens about my life...
I guess the time should heal. I'm scared. Tired and scared.
Posted 3/9/2011 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen, I am sorry that your co-payment for therapy is so high. It is a lot to pay, especially since therapy takes time...typically 10-12 sessions before improvement is seen.

If you are interested, there are two good on-line versions of therapy for anxiety/depression: Moodgym and E-couch. I have heard good things about both, and worked through some exercises in Moodgym. Not as good as one-on-one counsel (IMO), but still good.

Some churches are offering grief workshops as part of their ministries. I know that you said you aren't religious, but you could take what you wanted/needed from it, and leave the rest. You aren't under any obligation to convert, they just want to help (hopefully) Do a search for your area if you think you might want to try this.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and increase in anxiety and fear. I am sending positive thoughts your way, and hoping that you can find some solace and rest soon.

Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 3/9/2011 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Elen,


Good Morning and please know I am right here thinking of you. I will share with you my beliefs on grieving and please take away only what works for you my friend.

Grieve in your own way. Some people like to grieve alone, some need people around them. Find solace in any way you deem necessary.
Grieving will happen even if you are not ready for it. You don't choose when memories rush through your mind and you break down crying. Let it happen. You need to release your pain.
You are not alone in your grief. Accept assistance from your family and friends. Include us your new family.
No one will say to you to take as much time as you need to grieve. Society thinks that we need to get over our loss in six months or less. Take as much time as you need.. Do not let society dictate when your time period is up. I am out 21 years from the death of our son and a song or looking at his picture still breaks my heart so I let the tears out and remember how awesome he was. Then I get busy and do something is his memory. He will always be my son.
Speak and/or write about your grief. It will be therapeutic.I even went so far as join a group to lead a group on grief. I found it to hard so I quit…………now I volunteer for anything other than being in the middle of a group that has lost a child.
I have dreams about all the people I have lost to death and in my dreams I am trying to catch up to them but they keep walking away.
When I wake up I realize it was a dream and sometimes I wake up with tears on my face.
Try not to get stuck in the "what if" thinking as you cannot go back but only forward one day at a time. Hold on to the good memories and no beating yourslf up - you did the best you could. I can tell how much you loved your Mom and she you.
If you like honor your Mother on special days or any days. For years I would pick out a song I felt my son would like and take my CD player to the cemetery on his anniverary of his death, sit quitely by his resting place and play the music. I used to put a notice in memory of him in the paper for the first 10 years. On his birthday I always lay a dozen roses on his grave.
I do believe in heaven as I must or I would never have gotten this far.
Sending you many gentle hugs,
Kitt
Posted 3/13/2011 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much for all support. I missed the reply by BluAngel - thank you.
I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. I'm very busy at my job and we reconstructed the office (in my absence), so I'm facing the wall now instead of facing the office. What a stupid idea. I really don't like anybody approaching me from the back, it is very uncomfortable talking to people too. I talked about this to my boss prior leaving, but he said that he couldn't do anything else (which is nonsense, now the office very uncomfortable to everybody). I have new "boss" , which is #3 already and I'm like between them because they are fighting with each other.... The problem is that my nervous system is not ready for this all. 2 days in a row I had headache and red face. I mean I'm not red, but pink. Is this pressure or anxiety? My pressure always was good, but now I started to freak out that I will get a heart attack or stroke. My chest hurts almost every day. I'm taking Xanax more often then usual (still sticking to lower dosage in order not to get addicted)... Today is Saturday, fine day. I didn't do anything in the house, I just called to my father and my sister (trying to talk to my father twice per week, I know he feels bad so I'm trying to be supportive). I watch some TV, even laughed through some jokes... Now I'm watching my favorite "The Notebook" for the 5th time probably and I feel anxiety again. The slightest emotion makes me anxious and I had to turn off the movie. I took Xanax and reading Google for signs of heart attack. Am I getting paranoid? These chest pains freaking me out, I'm only 36 with no previous records of heart problems (last time I checked my heart for Stress Test and scanning about 2.5 years ago). But I'm afraid. I'm thinking about my mom a lot, but work keeps me busy and other problems overlaps... I feel air hunger and taking deep breath time to time. I can't walk fast, I feel no energy. I don't know how to relax. I do breathing for 2 minutes only - I don't have patience, when I feel bad I just take pills right away. I'm expecting to be better fast and any prolonged sensations in my body freaks me out.
I signed an app. with psychotherapist on March 16, but most of them recommends anti-depressants and I'm not sure if I want them. I feel lost and useless. Please advice me what to do. I know it is not easy, but I need a push in my life. I need somebody to tell me that I have to do breathing (x-times per day) or walk, or do something.. I understand everything my self, but when I hear that someone else is telling me, I listen more. I don't know why, that's part of my nature I guess. Any advices would be appreciated.
Posted 3/13/2011 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen, first of all let me say that I think that all of the things that you are feeling and going through are to be expected. You are experiencing a huge amount of stress and emotions, and your body is going to react to it. Try to accept this as part of the process, and don't add more worry in that respect.

As far as the things that you can do to help yourself feel better...

*breathining and progressive muscle relaxation exercises should be done at least two times a day (a.m. and p.m.) for at least 10 min.
*walking/exercise (areobic i.e, stationary bike, stairclimber ect.) 30 minutes sustained, 3 times minimum per week,
*keep up the distracting activities like lighthearted t.v. or reading. Avoid stressful and emotional subjects for now, even if it didn't bother you before, it just may be too much right now.

I am glad that you are going to see a therapist. Don't worry about them recommending an antidepressant. It is totally up to you to choose them or not. You are the customer. If you say 'No, I want to try another way, help me without meds' then they will need to come up with a plan that works for you! That is their job!

I am glad that you continue to post here with us through this. I hope that it is helpful, as much as it can be. I also hope that you can get some better rest soon, and that things at work improve for you.

Take care, and I do encourage you to keep up with the things that will help you to feel better. It is hard to start, I know, but each day will bring a little more momentum towards healing.
Scaredy Cat
Posted 3/13/2011 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen,

You have suffered a great loss and now with the changes at work you have added stress to your life. Be patient with yourself.

I am glad to see you can identify what will help you with your stress but doing it is always the hard part for me.
Exercise increases your overall health and your sense of well-being, which puts more pep in your step every day. But exercise also has some direct stress-busting benefits. I have read that starting out slow, as much as 10 minutes per day and increasing your time according to how you are feeling will help you get started. Also try to do 3 days per week working up to 5 days a week.
March 16th is only a few days away so know you are headed down the right track.
I will admit I never liked having the back of my desk to the room. My office was set up with an L shaped with my desk side ways to the room and my computer desk with the back to the office door. I could not fit the furniture in any other way. I would give it a few more days, talk with your therapist and see if this person can advice you on how to approach your boss again re the desk situation.
Keep on knowing we are here for you and be kind to yourself.
Sending lots of warm wishes,
Kitt
Posted 3/13/2011 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much. I will start today evening with breathing exercises.... I used to be a professional dancer before, but for the last 15 years I have office job and not moving from my chair at all, so I feel like a grandma and have no energy to do anything (not just after my mom's death, but before too). I have problems with hips, so I can't run or do some heavy exercise, but there is no excuse for me that I'm not doing anything. I went to swimming for 2 month but I stopped (got busy at work and couldn't do late at night, was too tired). New York is busy city and there is nothing close, everything takes times to reach by subway..
I just don't understand : either I became lazy or my anxiety taking all my energy. But it is like a circle : you will not have energy if you don't exercise and you can't start exercising without energy.
Thank you for all advices - they mean A LOT to me. There is very limited amount of people to whom I can talk about my anxiety. A lot of people won't understand me so I don't even bother to talk. I don't want they look at me like I'm sick person or crazy and it is impossible to explain what panic attack is... This forum means a lot to me and thank you very very much.
I will post after my visit to the doctor, will see what he is going to suggest.
Have a nice day and thank you for being here for me.
Posted 3/13/2011 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
Elen - Great support/advice in this forum! I can only say 4 me what helps. Think Ive said I still talk 2 her, do things in her name/honor, remembering I can do anything because I AM my mothers daughter. I did do grief counseling n dont know if I cldve made it without that. Free service thru funeral home. I dont go 2 the gravesite because 4 me I spend the next week upset n crying. For me, all I can think of there is her passing, the physical body and what Ive heard called "the presence of her absence" instead of the other way around. I focus on all her 87 years of love, guidance,gentle selfsacrifice. She was/is extraordinary. I misssed her physical passing by 5 minutes. I think she waited 4 me to get there but I also think she waited for me 2 leave. Love is a spiritual thing that knows no boundaries as it is not physical. The location is just geography I think. Im human and I wanted to keep her with me physically because were wired to see it that way and want it that way of course. But I finally do find more joy in thinking of her n her life instead of pain. Yes, grief is a process and u go thru all sorts of things but one I found out was - I thought I was going crazy n losing my mind out of control and dealing with it all wrong and very badly - but after finding out more about grief I found out it was all the other deaths n grief I had dealt with were - !ot wrong but ineffective and not normal reactions to grief. I had lost so many but was quite polite and tightly controlled about them. Nonsense!!! I found out this time that I had the right to do or feel or pitch a fit or whatever I felt. Grief IS sane. So give yourself permission n dont care what others think. This is personal and its yours. Its okay girlfriend. HUGGZ
Posted 3/16/2011 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone. Just wondering how you are doing Elen. Around if you need us to be. Sending healing and peace filled vibes.
Posted 3/18/2011 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you BluAngel for your support.
It is really hard to loose someone you love... my mom was only 68, she actually just turned 68 on February 2nd. I got her flowers and she was looking at them all the time while I was away (she told me). Also, some elderly people are ready to die, mentally, probably this is programmed by nature (or by God). I heard that some old people saying that they are tired, they are ready to die. I don't know if that's true, probably when they will be on death bed they think different, I don't know. I know that my mom wanted to live and that thought drives me crazy! about 3-4 days before she died I remember coming to her to the hospital about 1pm and she was laying there in the bed, crying. I asked what's wrong? She said "I'm dead. I died today". I told her "mommy, you are not dead. If you see me it means you are not and if you dead and see me - that's even better! It means we always can see each other"... She stopped crying for some time, and I tried to change her mood, to switch her mind for something else. I read something for her, or doing some puzzles with her... Now I feel quilt for not talking to her enough. You know, when the person alive it is hard to talk, you are choosing words not to hurt the person. I mean, now , after she passed away, I would tell her many things - how much she means to me in my life, how much I miss her every day, how much I loved her all my life. But I couldn't say this before. I didn't want her to know that she is dying and usually these talks going on when people saying "good bye" to each other. I didn't want to say good bye. Not just because it is very painful for me and I couldn't say this without crying (exactly what I'm doing now...), but I didn't want her to know that she is dying. Of course she felt this, but since she wanted to live so much there is always little hope, and I didn't want to take away this hope. I think she knew that I loved her very much, it's just I didn't say this enough.... I can't imagine she is not alive anymore.

Today in New York is sunny and beautiful. I didn't go to work. I didn't sleep for 3 days and today I got horrible headache so I called a day off. Later, my husband (fiancee actually, but we are together for 8 years) took me out for a walk. I feel sun on my face and I'm thinking about my mom, that she is rotting in the grave at this time. She is gone. It feels bad. Sun is shining, birds are singing, it is beautiful weather which my mom will never see anymore... I can't think like this. I'm going insane..

I went to psychiatrist yesterday. I told him that my anxiety controls my life and after my mom passed away it is even worse. He prescribed me Zoloft at the lowest dosage, and for my sleepless nights to take Ambien. I afraid of anti-depressants. He told me that my Xanax and Clonopin are way worse, but I'm taking them time to time, and for Zoloft I will have to take every day, get addicted.... I didn't take any pills yesterday, probably I shoul've. Clock showed about 3am when I understood that I will not be able to sleep, and with Ambien I have to sleep at least 7-8 hours. I ended up without sleep till 5am and was not able to go to work after all... I emailed my boss and other 2 co-workers from the office that I feel bad and I'm going to stay at home. Nobody answered me. We have weird people working at this place. Nobody cares about each other, everybody ready to stub in the back. Strange people.... I work there for 9 years and still don't understand how we survive the business. location, location, location....

I hope I will get good sleep tonight...

Thank you.
Posted 3/18/2011 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Elen

I see you getting stronger day by day but remember no beating yourself up. Once our loved one dies, we may feel a mix of emotions – sadness, relief, guilt and regret – to name just a few. These are typical grief reactions but they do not make us feel any better at the moment. Accept that you have done the best you can and as a Mother I never hold any judges or regrets for loving my children so much. Your Mother would not want you to regret anything that you shared together, the good and the not so good times.

Part of the grieving process is to find our “new normal.” Who are we without our loved one? What do we do now without our loved one? What kind of future do we have without our loved one? I always think back to what my loved one would want for me and that would be to live my life to the fullest.

A new griever finds it hard to believe that things will get better. But it does! Very slowly for one as each person grieves and recovers in their own unique way. Some will take longer than others, but with each passing day, it gets a little better and we usually find that we are starting to put a plan together for our new future, for our “new normal.”
I admire your for getting out in the sunshine and accepting the support of your boyfriend. This is a time when we share with people who understand us. We are here for you Elen so let us help you. By sharing your feelings you are helping others here in the forum.
Gentle Hugs to a special young woman.
Kindly,
Kitt
Posted 3/18/2011 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen,
I lost my mom 2 years ago. And I will tell you I still miss her to this day. Your mom knew that you loved her, and she loved you.
You will find as times go on you will have good days and bad days, but as time passes the pain won't be so fresh and raw.
Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Its a process we have to go thru. As I said before you will have good days and bad, but the bad will slowly ease. You are not forgetting your mom, but moving on like we all must. But your Mom will live on in you and in your heart.
I am glad that you saw your doc and he prescribed some meds for you. You must take them daily for them to help, so please be sure to do that.
Big hugs to you and I hope you have another sunny day.
Hugs
Gail*Nanners*
Posted 3/20/2011 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hello again Elen. Just wanted 2 let you know you are still in my thoughts n prayers. The thoughts you were posting are very familiar. Im sure you know grief has many stages and while they dont simply pass from one stage to another and keep going but rather you bounce back and forth some between. Its all progress. Initially I identified so strongly with the physical body which is normal as thats what we are and how we relate to others. I can say today while I miss her touch and putting my head on her chest and kissing her face, those thoughts bring me less pain and more comfort. I identify more with her spirit and thats easier. Sometimes ppl are afraid but witnessing many passings I havent seen a lot of fear at that moment. My mom and I had said everything except for at the last when I felt she was suffering so but trying to stay cuz of worry about me and I did what I swore I wouldnt do and did have the conversation you were speaking of. I can tell u this & believe it 2 the core of my being....they know. CONT -
Posted 3/20/2011 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Elen CONT - Communication is only 10% words. I just know that know that n she appreciated you doing those little things with her. Personally I believe thay know...but if they dont and they pass @ 1000 pm...they know it all at 1001 pm. One day at a time, one hour at a time. Impossible as at sounds now, so much of that pain will eventually turn to comforting. I am with you on this. HEART HUGGZ Joanie
Posted 3/20/2011 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all. Just taking one step at time. Sometimes I feel OK, sometimes I feel worse. When I think that I will never see my mom, I want to scream and run somewhere, the feeling inside me tearing me apart and I'm screaming inside my self... Every little thing reminds me of my mom, I can't imagine that I will have to live with this feeling inside me. I understand that we are all going to die at some point, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't thinking about....
I'm on Zoloft 3rd day. Taking 1/3 of a pill for a start, took half a pill. So far I feel anxious, but I think the pill didn't kick it yet, it's just my mood. One hour I'm laughing at something, and later evening I want to cry again....
Thank you for support, I feel that I'm not alone and I see that everybody here went through this pain. I feel your pain now, I didn't know how bad it could be. I think I need some more time before I start some exercises and meditation, for now it is very difficult for me. It's been 24 days since my mom passed away, and my thought can't be relaxed yet. I will take another week probably, then will try to work on my self. Can't do it yet.
Thank you.
Posted 3/21/2011 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen. I keep coming back 2 ur posts as I so know how it feels. My mom was 86 but I still cldnt imagine it. She was the only person who tucked my hair behind my ear. When she cldnt speak she'd put her palm on my face.When I had a pa Id call her n just say "talk 2 me, just say anything" & Id get thru it. Yes, I still cry sometimes when I go 2 the veg section in the groc store cuz she loved them. A million things. Initially I hurt so bad it was physical pain n my chest. Ppl tried 2 say standard uplifting things that just made me mad. I had 2 grieve n feel what I felt n b honest about it. Ppl r different. 4 me, I dont go 2 the grave cuz all I can see is physical ending. When I look around now I see her in living things. With time n grieving n help I seem 2 b able 2 feel her love & presence n my life 2day. Oh there r times it hits me all ovr again but its not as u said that feeling Im screaming n need 2 run (I felt that 2) & u cant imagine evr feeling better about it, it actually does. CONT-
Posted 3/21/2011 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
CONT - As many as Ive had pass my mom was different. Much harder. After time n grieving n help it is better. For me, when I was ready, I had to re-evaluate the spiritual aspects of it all. What I believed that meant for her and for me and in life. You just do each day or moment what you feel you need to do and dont worry what anyone else thinks. Your heart will always be with hers and the other way around. Nothing separates that. But it will heal a lot and will be able to feel joy again. Just breathe. Keep support. You are in my thoughts n prayers. HUGGZ
Posted 3/21/2011 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, Blu, you are actual Angel for sure. I so feel your pain. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad that you found peace for your self, just a little bit. Death of the close ones is huge impact on anybody's life. I'm same like you, when I go to store shopping, I always think what my mom liked. She lived in different country, but I always called her and visited her, she is my close friend. Your letter made me cry... no, it is not a bad thing, it is good. Crying is good, letting of the chest what I hold in for the whole day. My mom always asked me how am I doing, what I ate, what I'm wearing, what I'm going to do in the evening... She was asking me not to be in control, but to be happy for me. Nobody will ever ask these questions... She stayed at home most of the time (same like me, I'm a home person), and when I was going to visit her (and my dad of course), I always take her to the city, to seat in some cafe, to walk in downtown. I still have these pictures on Facebook, I'm not sure if I can post my name here or link, I don't think it is allowed. I made pictures of my town while walking with her, that was the last time we walked around, before she became sick and she couldn't do long walks, was tired (chemotherapy took a lot of energy from her). But she was always happy to see me, she was very strong and had strongest hugs for me. That's it... I can't anymore, my keyboard is wet... I probably can write a lot here and make every reader cry, but I have to stop. I will try to breathe and relax.... I have to go to work tomorrow, have to concentrate and smile, I need a lot of energy to be there while inside I just want to runaway to some far place where magic happens.
Posted 3/21/2011 4:17 AM (GMT 0)
Elen - Your heart will find peace with this in many ways. take your time sweetie. Its all part of it and as it should be. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. HUGGZ
Posted 3/23/2011 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you. I'm reading previous posts and I do feel better. People trying to help here and I appreciate very much.
Posted 3/24/2011 1:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen - Glad to sense an almost-smile in your post. Hang in there. You mentioned something about wanting to show me a picture of your mom and while we cannot use html, if you wish to you can look on my profile or the little icon by my name and my email address is listed and you can email me any time. I also have some of my mom uploaded. Well have a good evening and please eat one of those great NY coney dogs for me! HUGGS
Posted 4/15/2011 8:02 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry for no answer... Had horrible experience with Zoloft. What a nightmare! I had all possible side effects from this medication. Doctor wanted me to switch for another one (Cymbalta), but I'm so freaked out from the Zoloft one so I'm not sure if I want to continue experiments on my body. I used only for 2 weeks the smallest dosage, but I couldn't tolerate at all. For my insomnia doctor prescribed me Ambien, which I afraid to take... Afraid to have nightmares and not be able to wake up, or die in my sleep, everything I'm afraid of.... Had a horrible week. Slept only 3-4 hours a night and today I took a day off from work, just can't work. If I don't get enough sleep I have headaches and can't even move properly. I don't know what I have to take. Dr told me that Klonopin is unhealthy, so I'm trying not to use it. From other hand, if I'm not sleeping at night, what should I do? I don't think that Ambien is "healthier" than Klonopin (which I take only once or twice per week)... Oh, I'm so tired.. Last night (in the morning, when I fall asleep) I had a nightmare that my mom woke up, that she is not dead, that we wanted to bury her by mistake. Well, sun is shining, birds are singing, but my mood not getting any better...
Posted 4/15/2011 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen, so good to hear from you again. I am sorry that you have had some bad effects from your medications. I don't blame you for being a little worried about trying even more.

For the insomnia, have you tried any of the natural remedies? If not you may want to consult with your dr. about trying one of these: Melatonin, Valerian Root, L-Theanine with Gaba. These are easily found at the health food store, but it is always good to get a physician's approval before trying even natural suppliments.

I know that things are also hard emotionally for you now. You are still grieving your mother. It is still hard, and I'm not suprised to hear of your bad dreams. I also experienced this after the death of my father. I think that it is a way that all of the feelings inside us, get out. So while the dreams may be unsettling, they serve a purpose.

Talking, and in this case posting, is also a good outlet, so keep in touch with us here. I think that you have made a good support group, and we are here for you during this time and always!

Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 4/15/2011 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
i am so sorry. :(

i actually found out today my mom has to get three biopsies to check for skin cancer.

i can't wait till the day a cure comes around.

: hugs :
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