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Am I too empathetic as a friend?

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Posted 4/17/2011 10:39 AM (GMT 0)
When its my friends birthdays, I try really hard to set up an occasion where they feel truly special and loved (awesome surprise party or gift). Today is my birthday and they did almost nothing:last minute cake, left over alcohol, and bored attitudes).

Am I a bad friend to them? Because there must be a reason why I am such after thought in their minds.

Is it the fact that maybe I care too much about how a person's birthday and how it is celebrated measures the self worth they have? Therefore, is it that all the birthday parties I threw for them is more meaningful to me than them?

What should I do? Honestly, being around these people who I can tell do not love or care about me hurts. Is there anyone or any person out there that is just as empathetic as me?

Is their even medication to help me feel less empathetic and guilty?

Should I get new friends, and surround myself with people with better values?

I don't know what to do and I always feel lonely.
Posted 4/17/2011 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
Well first off let me wish you a Happy Birthday! I know it's not going to replace the one that you were hoping for from your friends, but it is heartfelt:)

I have had the same feelings as you are experiencing. I've also expected people to behave in the same way that I naturally would...makes sense, but leads to dissapointment!

You have a gift for making things special for other people. You think ahead and plan a nice event, ect...but the truth is, not many people have this in them. It is simply a rare person who (and usually only one in a group) does this. They may have come to rely on you to do the celebration duties, and therefore didn't have anyone else to turn to when your day came up.

I am not excusing them, I just see this as a very plausible explanation. I really don't think it means they think less of you...just that they don't think!

Now you need to decide what if anything you are going to do about it. You could find some new friends, but if you really enjoy hanging out with these people the other 354 days of the year, is it worth it? You could carefully make your feelings known and see what happens, or you could take it upon yourself as the party organizer of the group and plan all events...including an awesome birthday bash for yourself:)

Try not to take it personally, you sound like a great friend who has a group of buddies who just don't quite 'get it'

Happy Birthday again,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 4/17/2011 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
As I read through your post I realized that I have felt the same way as you do but then I remember all the surprises and good things that have come to me in other ways.

I used to just expect that others would remember my birthday date and other special times but when they did not I would start sharing the date a couple of weeks ahead, especially with my immediate family.

I will still have times when I do feel left out or not recognized but then I remember the others recognized deserved the honor and I move on.

I know I am much older then you - - but I do love to give to others. I have stopped expecting to be remembered or recognized automatically as my pleasure is truly in the giving. You are a special person who thinks of others and provides happy occasions and good things for your friends. Celebrate your gift of generosity.

Remember, you are never alone, we are here for you.
Posted 4/18/2011 8:37 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your kind words and great advice; it really made me feel much better... and sane.

I also admit that it does make feel good when I see others happy and even better when I know I had some part in it. I should remind myself of that fact. Sometimes though, I just feel like this so called "generous character" makes me second place in life-- the nice guy finishes last philosophy. And I guess that is where my anxiety stems from: the conflict between being kind and trying to be competitive in life....

However, thank you for the tips guys. I definitely will try to plan out something for my own birthday and accomplishments in the future. I at least should show love for me.
Posted 4/18/2011 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
You should take pride in your generous nature and commend yourself for your concern for other's happiness.....you did what all the self-help gurus and spiritual teachers have lectured about = forgetting yourself and helping others. Your self worth doesn't depend on whether people rem or forget your bday, even though it might hurt. Bless you
Posted 4/18/2011 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
I have experienced the same thing.  I think Cat had some very valid points.  If you are giving to your friends because it makes you happy, well OK, if you are expecting the same in return, I think it very rarely happens like that.

I hope your birthday was a happy one, nonetheless.

Gem

Posted 4/18/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Anommuhnom. I think a lot of people on the HW forums tend to be more empathetic because of the adversities that they have had to face in their life. A lot of people aren't as in tune with other people and how they may be feeling. A great many people just aren't like that. I'd have to agree with Cat's points... if you enjoy the company of your friends all the other days of the year... that's the important part. The friends to look out for are the "fair weather" friends where there's a consistency to taking rather than giving.

Anyway, read your post and just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday. The celebrating didn't have to stop yet. :)

PresentTensed
Posted 4/19/2011 6:37 PM (GMT 0)
Happy Birthday! If you were my friend I'd treat you to dinner and make the waiter embarrass you with cake and candles.

I know what you mean though. Last year I saw how so many of my friends got like, 100s of facebook happy birthdays and seemed to have all these plans. Then on my birthday I got maybe 4 or 5 people who actually even acknowledged the day.

I think, like some of the other folks here said, its important to pat yourself on the back for being so outwardly caring for your friends. But always remember that when you expect or hope for people around you to act in a particular way, you may find the total opposite. Try to take pride in being the best you can be, and just enjoy the little things in life as they come. =)
Posted 4/19/2011 7:16 PM (GMT 0)
In my family, birthdays were not made a big deal of and as an adult I'd just as soon people skip making a big deal of it. I have to remind myself that others don't always feel that way and when it's my turn to "do something" I have to force myself to make an event of someone else's birthday. That doesn't mean I don't love that person, it just means I have a different way of looking at birthdays.
Are they otherwise caring friends? If so, I'd chalk this up to them being like me or else being at a particularly hectic time in their lives.
But Happy Birthday from me to you.
GG
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