Another vent session long/bloggy

As soon as I think I'm doing so much better. I end up taking 15 steps back.

Some info into my rant/vent.

My mom's side of the family has some mental issues in the back ground. My grandma (her mom) was not all there mentally. My Aunt went to the crazy side when my uncle decided to leave her. My aunt is recovering persay. My grandma passed away many years ago.

Now my mom is having some issues. Though she is on a ton of meds for all her health problems. And most of them are the reason she is having issues.
- Example.. My mom called me one morning, begged me to come see her she wasn't feeling "normal". So I show up. She is in tears crying about my dad leaving her if the house isn't spotless. That he doesn't love her because she can't keep the house clean. She goes on and on. Mom, having major medical problems, is up on a step stool scrubbing walls. Crying her eyes out.

Found out her therapist put her on a new med. That majorly reacted to the other meds. So after a frantic call to dad and having him come home from work. 4-5 calls to the therapist, we took the med away from her and she was better the next day and didn't remember a thing. Dad and I can laugh about it today.

She had another episode the other day. Swore up and down her therapist wasn't who she said she was. She swore she was her old therapist and the office was messing with her. Mom called me from the hospital freaking out upset, and just positive that that person was not who they said they were. Scans and blood tests, they send my mom home said she was fine.
Took my mom a few months to deal with what she see's.

Now the doc is taking her off of one med to put her on another. So I see her suffering from the withdrawls of the anti depression meds along with her pain meds. She is coming off of like 3-4 meds at one time. And she is holding it together as best she can.


I worry that this could be me... I mean I feel so sorry for my mom. They have no true name, DX or anything for what is wrong with her. They claim its fybro, arthritis, some disk disease, and other things. But the meds that are supposed to help with those problems. Are not helping her one bit.


So I worry about my mom. I worry that I wont be able to help her. I fear this stuff so much that I have a hard time spending time with her. These medical issues are horrible for me. Anything medical sends me into a panic attack and I am sure I have the same thing. And I suffer with the fear of it for a long long time. I see it on t.v, read it in the paper, hubby tells a story of a co-worker etc. And I'm sure I have it.
It takes me so long to accept things and move on. I will have horrible anxiety over these things for days. Then a full blown 4 hour panic attack.

My other issue, which is VERY hard for me to write.. Just for the simple fact, I'm afraid if I write it and face it that it could happen. But yet I know I'll feel better about it...

about a year ago, I was in the shower and had this horrible angry mad feeling. To were I wanted to hurt someone. I mean I was livid. In my mind.. I could picture it. It was a horrible feeling.
I got so scared I didn't want to come out of the shower. I had never had that type of feeling before. I started crying and the "what if's" started. So I stayed in the shower till the feeling stopped. (It really only lasted a few minutes but felt like hours).
Of course nothing happened. I stayed scared for days that I might 'flip' out and go crazy. Now I get this same feeling every once in awhile. Not half as intensive as the first event. Since I know to blow it off and move on to something else and I don't dwell on it. But it usually comes when I'm just in a really bad mood and don't want to deal with anything.

BUT, what if. What if's drive me nuts. I had a really sharp chest pain tonight.. more so on the right side.. Started to panic. But came here instead to vent. It lasted a second. But was enough to send warning signals so I'm very alert right now. I feel every tingle, heartbeat, muscle movement, etc. And I'll be like this for hours. Which in return means a very long night for me.
To top it off I've felt swollen.. Not bloated, but swollen all over. I've felt like this on and off for about 2 weeks now. Usually more so if I sit to long without moving. I know my face feels this full feeling because of my allergies. The rest of me not sure why. Legs and arms..

Anyway I've chatted/vented/ blogged enough. Sorry its so long. Just had a lot to get off my chest. Now I need to go cry in a pillow and maybe move on.. /scream. I'm so sick of this stuff. I just wish it would go away and some day I could be normal again... There is so many things I miss..

Good night everyone. Sleep well and I hope you have a blessed day tomorrow.

Allestaria - I just had to respond to your post. I've had & have some similar issues especially with my mom. Don't think I've dealt w/ anything harder. I was the only one to care for her & she began a mental decline a year before she fell & rec'd a traumatic brain injury. I found her & that alone Ill never get over. For the next 3 1/2 years I did everything I could to care for her. Her physical decline was heartbreaking, terrirying & grueling. I was trying to work, lost my own health. But I didnt know if her mental decompensation was going to get me first. I worshiped my mom & she was my besr friend. I wouldnt trade a minute I had her. But like you I came undone in the shower, felt like a little tornado of razor blades @ times. Meds, docs &scared when phone rang. All I can say is make sure you get others to help you w/her but for YOU, too. My heart is absolutely w/you!