Posted 6/7/2011 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
I've had nervous tendencies for most of my life, probably since late elementary school or early middle school, but nothing I was really alarmed about until going away to college. I had major homesickness, which went away after a couple weeks, but triggered anxiety symptoms which were longer lasting. I had panic attacks for the first time, and defecated soft, messy stools regularly. Around December of my freshman year, I had an unsuccessful experience with one of the college's therapists and finally decided to get a grip on things myself. Once I was aware of what panic attacks were and what they meant, I wasn't afraid of them any more. I got to the point where someone looking at me wouldn't even know I was having a panic attack. Once I was confident that it didn't "show", the social anxiety aspect was gone and the panic attacks subsided. Over this period of time, I lost a good deal of weight as the constant state of anxiety deprived me of my appetite. After December, things got better and the sense of general anxiety -- while present -- became sort of like background noise. I was unhappy with the college for reasons on related to the anxiety and ultimately transferred, but the last half of the year went much better than the first. When I finally moved back home for the summer and knew that I'd never have to go back to this place I hated, the general anxiety symptoms lifted and I had one of the best summers of my life -- the only completely anxiety free period since early childhood.
In the fall, I started at a different college in a different city a similar distance away. That school was a much better fit, and I remained largely anxiety free except for the occasional flare-up. My chosen major the second time around, journalism, forced me to confront my social anxiety issues head on and allowed me to become a somewhat more assertive person general. If I had a sense of dread, it was at the prospect of graduating: I had found a "safe" environment and didn't want to give it up.
It was during these years that the pattern of summer anxiety set in. Aside from that first year of college, I'd always had more anxiety/dread feelings from late May to late September, even as a kid. Most kids hated going back to school, but I looked forward to it because I knew it meant the feelings of unease would soon be over. The summers between my Sophmore and Senior years of college were similar to my pre-college summers, expect perhaps a little more intense.
My second major anxiety/depressive episode came after graduating. My parents bought me plane tickets for a trip abroad as a graduation present, to some place I'd long wanted to go. The first three days of the trip went fantastic, and I had a lot of fun with a friend I met who'd spent the previous semester abroad nearby. Then I got hit with a nasty bout of traveler's diarrhea, which triggered anxiety that lasted the rest of the trip. Pepto bismol during the day and a sleep aid at night allowed me to get through the trip and see everything I wanted to see, but I was miserable most of the time. When I flew home, the anxiety symptoms mostly abated until the graduation parties were over and I was faced with no preset plan for my future for the first time in my life.
Months of ping-ponging between anxiety and depression followed. I graduated right as the economy tanked, so my job search dragged on and on. The lack of a reliable routine really took a toll. I felt like such a burden on my family, and the very idea of job interviews after the first few resulted in no follow-ups ended up filling me with terror.
But eventually I found my way to temping, and lined up some part-time work to fill the gaps. The anxiety improved, which allowed me to break out of the depression. By my usual late September start time, the anxiety had pretty much completely ebbed and I was able to live like a normal person again -- at least for eight months or so. The following June I was doing a data entry-esque temp job that required meeting certain quotes. Our bathroom breaks were monitored. I'd temped there before several times without any problems, but one time I had to go shortly after I'd already had. Knowing another bathroom break so soon after the last would be frowned upon, I had a panic attack. That in turn triggered more panic attacks. I managed to make it through the project, but it was tough. Over time I was able to again master this latest type of panic attack. A prescription for Alprazolam gave me an option for specific known high-stress triggers like job interviews so that I could worry about doing my best and not how my body would betray me next.
The summer anxious-winter cycle continued but as little more than an irritation until a bit over a month ago. I was sitting at my computer at home, feeling absolutely fine, and then let out what felt like a perfectly normal fart, only to have an accident. I took a couple pepto bismol tablets and after a few more rounds of diarrhea was again in control of my bowels. My pooping settled in a three day cycle, with two days normal and then diarrhea on the third day. The pepto bismol would solve it, restarting the cycle again. I visited my doctor, who suspected a stomach bug. She gave me a stool collector, but told me to wait until the end of the three week cycle to see if it went away on its own.
Lo and behold, a couple days before I was to collect a stool sample, it did. I had a couple weeks of normal bowel function with no pepto, then I was out at the drive-in on a Saturday night. I was a bit gassy, but otherwise felt fine. about ten minutes into the second feature, I hit another fart that turned out to be a little diarrhea leakage. I made it to the bathroom at the snackbar, and had a full-fledged bout of diarrhea followed by more solid stool. I took some pepto, but felt iffy enough that I told my friend who'd driven that we had to leave early! Talk about embarrassing! I managed to clench for the ride home, then had another round of soft-but-solid stool.
Ever since, I've been stuck on roughly this three day cycle. The anxiety anticipates the diarrhea, which in turn gets me guts a-rumbling, which in turn seems to trigger the diarrhea. Because the farts that cause accidents don't feel different than regular farts when they're coming out, I'm afraid every time I fart that I'm going to have an accident. Since this started, I've had to take a couple business trips with my boss where I was in the car for hours at a time. I have another tomorrow. Each has required pepto so that I can feel safe about not having an accident.
I feel like I've had my life robbed from me. Every time I leave the house now, I worry about the possibility of having an accident. It's the sudden onset with little warning that scares me, and unlike my previous anxiety symptoms I can't find a way to think myself out of it. This is my usual annual time to start having anxiety symptoms, but this diarrhea things threatens to turn it from an inconvenience to something that robs me of having a life. I don't want to be popping pepto bismol every time I go outside.
Anyone else here suffered from diarrhea with their anxiety? How do you leave the house with confidence? The idea of being trapped four feet away from a bathroom at all times is honestly the scariest prospect I've yet faced. At the same time, I don't want to drive my friends away by being the guy who craps his pants.