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Need support! My mom is dying...

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Posted 4/16/2011 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much for reply.
Yes, I've tried all natural remedies. Honestly, I started having trouble sleeping around 3 years ago. We moved to apt. on the first floor without knowing that under our apt. is a boiler room. During the day you barely could hear but at night you feel like giant washing machine underground. It was very bothering and sometime I couldn't fall asleep and since that time I started having trouble sleeping. We moved to another apt. only 2 years later, it is hard to find a good deal in New York..
Most of nights I fall asleep within 5-15 min, but when I can't sleep I really can't sleep. The problem is that if I don't sleep one night, the next day I feel anxious. I'm not sleepy, I just feel light anxiety and mild flu feeling, but at night all in my mind is "I have to sleep , I have to sleep today" and with these thoughts I can't fall asleep. I'm trying not to think about, but I can't relax. I'm always checking how much time left to sleep before my alarm. Usually I fall asleep around 5am, and feel lousy at work later... So, either I'm sleeping OK every day, or one day of no sleep makes my whole week ruined.
I tried Melatonin - no help, valerian - no help. These are too light for me, or maybe I'm taking small dosages. The other 2 I haven't tried, I will definitely will check on them, thank you.
Searched on Google, I see a lot of people suffering from insomnia. Never thought it will hit me.
And the more I feel bad the more I'm thinking about my mom. Her last months. She was suffering a lot and it is impossible to clean this from my memory, I remember her paralyzed. She only could move one hand and her toes and she always was moving them to get her body movement back. She had all her teeth broken because of excessive iron she was taken. My mom... It is so unfair and so wrong. She was a good mother, she was not suppose to suffer that much.
I'm not talking to my sister. She ignores me. My parents loves me more I think that the reason. I can't think of anything else. I was helping her all the time, financially. Now she is having good job, her kids are grown up. I'm still without my own family, no kids, rent apartment... It is so hard to be alone in foreign country and when I call home she never speaks to me... Well, healingwell.com, you became my diary :-)) Thank you for all the listening, I'm crying again on your page and I'm very grateful that you are exist.
Posted 4/16/2011 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
We are a family, we cry and laugh together. We rejoice and mourn together. We really understand what each other is feeling and going through.

It's your turn to be held, supported and surrounded by care. One day, it will be you with the strong arms to hold someone else in their need.

Thank you for your updates, you are in our prayers,
S.C.
Posted 7/5/2011 6:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hello again. I just want to say Thank you for everyone who answered to my posts. I'm still hanging here, some days are good and some days are worse. Going to CA on July 6 for short vacation, never been there. I just feel that I need some time off, hopefully will help to clear my mind a bit. Sending Hello to everybody, you are my rock! I'm alone here and you became my diary. Thank you.
Posted 7/5/2011 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen! I am glad to hear that things are starting to get better for you. So you are coming to my home state! Depending on which area you are visiting, I could give you some 'tour guide' advice...just post back if you want any ideas:)

I hope that you have a great vacation, you need and deserve it. Your dear mom would also smile, knowing that you are taking some time for yourself to enjoy a trip!

It's pretty warm here...having a little heat wave, so pack your shorts and sundresses!

Good to see you post, and keep in touch:)
Scaredy Cat
Posted 7/6/2011 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Scaredy Cat, I'm going to LA, then to San Francisco and Las Vegas. 2 days each city. I don't think I will have time to exploire the heart of each, I think I will be like a regular tourist with my camera in my hands. I love taking pictures :-) yes, I'm excited, just have to dose on Xanax because I afraid of flying! But my love visiting new places overcomes my fear, I'm trembling, sweating in plain, but I'm still going and still excited :-) Leaving tomorrow afternoon, so you better give me some tour advice quick :-)
As for my mom, you know, I'm still crying 5 times a week at least. It is hard, and it is extremely painful. Whenever I go I will not be able to share my travel and pictures with her... Mom is always the mom, there is absolutely no replacement in friendship what I had with my mom.. I still miss her a lot. A LOT.
Well, back to happy.. I have to pack my stuff so I can't cry now, otherwise I will stay blue for hours.... It is hot here in New York, so I guess nothing will change in clothes, but I heard that San Francisco is cold at night. Well, all advices welcome. I'm still thinking to go to Grand Canyon or not. Heard that it is very beautiful but I afraid of heights :-( Gosh, I'm full of problems, arthritis, anxiety and fears.....
Posted 7/6/2011 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Wow what a trip you have planned! Yes, in SF it may be chilly, so bring something warm for that part, but LA and Las Vegas will be hot.

I LOVE China Town in San Francisco...lots of fun/cheap souveniers, and excellent food like dim sum. Also do a cable car ride if for no other reason than to people watch and see the amazing architecture of the city! If you are going out for a night on the town...the Top of the Mark has a panoramic view of the city, and live music.

In LA, there is of course DisneyLand. It is more spread out, so I don't know where you'll be. Grauman's Chinese Theatre and Hollywood Boulevard (the Stars Walk of Fame) are cool, and the LaBrea Tar Pits are really interesting.

In Vegas you're on your own...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas as they say and I'll never tell!...Just kidding, I've just never been:)

Have a WONDERFUL and safe time!!! Let us know how it went when you get back.
S.C.
Posted 7/6/2011 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Oh my, I have been to all 3 and what great choices you have made. I love them all ......................... Las Vegas........the lights, the shows, the action !

Broadway's runaway smash-hit, Jersey Boys, the musical that takes you up the charts, across the country and behind the music of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. This was my favorite show last time I was in Vegas ! Next time I go I will see it again. Jersey Boys is at the Palazzo.

I hope you have a grand time. Music always helps me heal my soul.

Take care my friend,

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫Kitt♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫
Posted 7/6/2011 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen, everybody. Good to hear u are going to travel. Sounds like itll be wonderful for you. I know you still deal with missing your mother as I do. Ive been sick for several months and may end up having a surgery and I really miss her when Im sick. She was always right by my side during those times. Im having to move to my sisters frm Tenn to Mich bcuz I need help while Im sick and my anxiety is over the top. I had a big one yesterday and feel like Im on the edge of it today. My heart goes out to you and your struggles. I know its hard. I need a lot of support right now so you are not alone. We just try to get through one day and keep trying. HUGGZ
Posted 7/8/2011 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Elen,

My mom died last November. Cancer. She had just turned 66 a week before her death. I am a few months away from turning 36 myself. What you described here is almost exactly what I went through in the months following her death. I too live far away from family in another country. The first 6 months after she passed was the hardest to deal with due to lack of sleep, lack of energy, lack of appetite (I could go a week without eating a proper meal), lack of support (no family or friends where I live in the back woods of Montana). My health was taking a deep dive in every conceivable way (severe symptoms from every organ or body part).

I went to the ER a few times because I thought I was having a heart attack. Then I was hospitalized in the mental health ward for a week in March, which was very demeaning and traumatizing. I did outpatient groups, grief groups, saw many counselors, phone counseling, etc turned down all drugs except the crap they injected at the ER through an IV (ativan). ativan took away the severe anxiety for about 3 hrs, but later gave me a horrendous splitting headache for 18 hrs straight, the likes I never experienced before. Anyways, none of it helped. I have only found help in guided visualizations by Charles Linden and other guided meditation audio. Then I was able to sleep and save energy to concentrate in taking care of myself. get my appetite back.

I realized no one can take care of me, no one knows how to. Only someone who knows how to cook for me can take care of me, I can't eat dairy or wheat or a lot of other junk additives in food, so I don't have the luxury to go out to eat. I am still struggling, but not in the extent that I was in the few months following mom's death. It is so scary, and soooo dark. You feel that your mom will take you away to where she is or isn't. but then you realize that it's the severe anxiety that is causing the brain to think up all sorts of horrible situations.

the key is to learn to force relaxation on to body and mind. yes it can be done. the more you practice the better you get. once you get some energy back from relaxing, the next step is eat really good quality foods and high quality fluids. for me the next step was to move out of Montana, which was giving me all sorts of grief of a different kinds for many years, but it was getting compounded exponentially by my mom's death grief. Still taking it day by day, one thing holding me down is my monthly periods, they are so much worse than they used to be. Again, relaxation and extremely high quality nutrients are helping immensely here.

I guess my advice is be honest with yourself and scan your life for things that are compounding your grief of your mother's death, and if there's any way you can relieve the load of grief without causing even more pain, then you should definitely consider it.

I read a book called Panic Away, which is by the way a very good book to read if you have panic attacks. Panic is described as what happens when you get extremely exhausted (such as when you take care of someone who is dying, then grieve), then the exhaustion creates a highly sensitized state, in this state everything becomes extremely irritating, agonizing, and panic. There is no magic bullet or pill that makes it all go away instantly. Panic and severe generalized anxiety takes quite a bit of effort to start turning your life the other way. At first it feels unnatural and extremely unstable, but you just keep plugging away and do the visualisation exercises one to two times a day. Maybe more. At first I was afraid of going places without my ipod (guided relaxation audio), because it was the only thing that could truly calm me down. Now, 3 months later, I can do it without the audio.

I was so cluttered with so many junk emotions such as guilt, anger, betrayed, hopeless, helpless, at the same time that I was grieving and feeling severely intense sadness. It's like being in a whirlwind, or densely overgrown forest, and you kinda have to keep working to clear the junk out of the way, every day all day long until hopefully one day it stays mostly gone.

realizing more and more that loss and grief is a prominent part of the human experience. how you deal with this and move on determines what kind of life you will carry on the rest of your life.

Enjoy your trip.
Kitty


Edit: I did some wordsmithing in your post - we are not allowed to discuss suicide in the forums. Thank you in advance for your understadning.

Post Edited (emailstome) : 7/8/2011 3:33:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/8/2011 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
emailstome,


Hello and welcome to the community. Everyone here is incredibly friendly and we're all here for your support. Please feel comfortable starting a thread oy your own as we would love for you to have a chance to meet all of our members.
Thank you for sharing your story here in this thread.
Kindly,
Kitt
Posted 7/10/2011 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
Dear elen, I've been following your posts and I'm so sorry you've lost your mother....you sounded like you had a wonderful relationship with her..that is a great thing, remember the good times together, every time a bad memory like of her in the coffin comes into your head, put a happy picture in there instead it will be hard at first but it will get easier with time...believe me I know... When I lost my dad I wanted to be with him too, but I believe that the soul goes on and that he is still with me in some way.....while you remember someone they never truly die....hugs to you keep strong.....Shannon xxxxx
Posted 7/17/2011 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, my dear friends, and thank you very much for advices on my trip. I will say a bit about my vacation before I answer to new member Emailstome.
I flew to L.A. on July 6 and since we were flying over Rocky Mountain we had some turbulence which is not my friend and I'm glad that I had Xanax with me. I recommend this med to anyone who has fear of flying, I don't know how I would be up there without this magic pill. L.S. was wonderful and now I'm dreaming to move there :-) Of course I fear of earthquakes, but I'm still thinking. My pain in my hip was gone for the whole week. I couldn't beleive that I could walk so long! Due to operation in my childwood I have bad hips (was born with hip displasia) and now I'm facing hip replacement in the future and I'm only 36 :-( I have pain almost every day, specially when weather changes and raining (which is always happening in NY). And what a wonderful surprise that I walked in L.A. all day without pain. I love greens and palms, and views and mountains... It is absolutely gorgeous! We stayed 2 days there and moved to San Francisco. Yes, it was bad idea to take only a sweater, it wasn't enough. From 90F in L.A. we drove in 57F in S.F. ! I had to buy fleece tourist jacket with S.F. logo on my chest :-) It was really cold! I loved S.F. , very beautiful city with crazy streets :-) Don't know how people can walk there - either you go on hill or from hill, really interesting :-) Then we drove to Las Vegas (yes, a lot of driving unfortunately). L.V. is great! We don't have money to gamble, but we walked in the hotels and went to Jubelee show (semi nude girls with feathers and singers, huge show, very beautiful), other shows were sold out and we were there for 2 days only. I wanted to go to see Cirque du Soleil "OM", very beautiful according to website (I saw them twice in New York, great shows), well next time. I'm sure I will go to CA and Las Vegas again, I have to spend couple of more days to see everything there.
We went with my fiancee's mom. She is nice but made me cry couple of times. Not because she is bad, but because she is cuddling with her son and I felt alone. I missed my mom a lot. My mom didn't travel anywhere and didn't see these things and I felt so bad that she spent her life in her apartment without traveling. She liked the house, being in the house, she was "home mom". Maybe I shouldn't feel bad about, that was her choice I guess. Or maybe she didn't travel because she didn't have the money and didn't wanted to be in debt, not sure.. It's just I'm enjoying all these beautiful views and I feel bad about. Gilt? Not sure how to call this. I miss my mom a lot. Last week I dreamed that I carry her in my hands and searching for doctors to help her (of course in real life I can't pick up my mom, she is heavy, but that was my dream). I runned and runned through corridors, screaming for doctors "somebody please help her, she is dying!!". I woke up in horror. I realized that she is dead and had anxiety attack, Xanax helped again.... Yesterday I dreamed her sitting in our home house and talking on the phone... another morning started from tears... I don't understand how it works, but I thought I should feel a bit better after 6 month, but I'm not doing better... My mood is jumping up and down. I went to cafe today , just to sit outside while my fiancee was fixing his car, and I saw old lady across the street walking alone and I had to put on my sunglasses because I started to cry. My mom turned 68 when she died, she wasn't that old, but I can't look at old single people on the street. I feel sad for them, and sad to the point that I'm crying. This is not normal. I also getting some kind of phobia of sleep. In the evening I'm falling asleep but I'm not going to bed on purpose, I just want to prolong my day. Sounds silly, but I afraid to go to sleep. I afraid of death? bad dreams? heart attack at night? I guess everything... Yes, I need the therapist, but I have no money and too much debt to cover...
I type a lot.. sorry :-) You are my only people to whom I can complain. I have to smile at work, I have to be happy at home, sometimes is too hard to look happy and smiling to everybody.
And to the new member Emailstome, yeap, you sounded like me. Even ages are same, and ours and our mothers. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm holding my self hard not to go to mental hospital. Once I had to call to my doctor and ask what to do when I had pressure 140 over 84 (usually I'm 110/70), I honestly freaked out when I saw my face and eyes turned red. The doctor told me if I will have this condition for couple of hours go to the hospital. Well, hospitals are not really welcome people with anxiety and panics, somehow nobody take us seriously. It is really horrible feeling and sometimes I think I rather break a leg than have panic attack. It is really really scary. I have "Panic away" print out book, probably I have to read again. And I will check for audiotapes, I think it is great idea, if you have anything specific and think it is helpful, pls let me know the name of CD so I can buy online. I have few relaxation tapes, but most of the time I can't relax. Yes, I have to learn, but I have no patience, bad part of my character. I'm perfectionist and if I can't get it right I loose interest (I can't do yoga, I can't meditate properly so I'm not doing as often as I should). Thank you for your letter, I appreaciate every suggestion and every support. This is my diary here. My diary of pain that nobody else knows. When I wake up at night with panic attack I'm going to this site, checking chatrooms (usually people sleep at night, so I never had a chance to find somebody at night), but then I start to read people's topics and I feel not alone with my pain and fears. I'm so greateful for this website. I posted my second email in my profile (hotmail), for everybody, feel free to find me on Facebook. I have a lot of pictures there, from my home country and here. Soon I will post my CA and Las Vegas photos. I'm smiling all the time, but beleive me my heart is broken in peaces, at least now I feel that way. I always smile for pictures, people likes me because I'm funny and smile a lot, so I keep this way. I'm not that often on that site (FSB), I'm not too social (no time! working in New York squeezing all the energy from me), but you are welcome to be my friend and share experience in photos.
Thank you very much again. Oh, I'm crying... I'm full of emotions, you can't imagine how much you all mean to me! I'm alone in foreign country, I would never think in my life that I will find support from strangers and I did. The words are not enough to say how much I'm grateful. Huge hugs for you all and Thank You again. This experience will be forever in my heart, that's for sure..
Posted 7/17/2011 4:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen and welcome back! I am so glad that you had a fun and safe trip! I am glad that you and your fiancee and future MIL were able to see and do so much. When are you getting married Btw? I don't think I remembered that you were engaged, so congratulations!

I checked out your facebook page, but could only see the front, as I am not on facebook myself. I don't have the time for it, but was interested to see that we have a lot in common. Are you a dancer? I am a dance teacher/choreographer, so I would be interested in talking about that! We also like the same kind of music:) We could schedule a chat sometime if you would like.

I am sorry to hear that you are still suffering the dreams about your mom. I still sometimes will dream about my father, and he has been gone a long time. It does get easier, but the heart and soul have no time table. It takes as long as it takes, and that is just the way that it goes...

Try to find peace in that she is in Heaven, and well and full of joy. She wants the same for you too, so live with the purpose of making her wish for you a reality!

There is of course the natural desire for her to be here with you. There will always be reminders of that, but with time they will become less bitter, and more sweet associations of her and your time together.

I am so glad that you feel connected here. You are a valuable part of this community, and we are here for you:)

Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 7/24/2011 5:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Scaredy Cat! Nice to hear from you. Will response on your paragraphs one by one smile Yes, I'm engaged, but not recently. I'm with the same partner for over 8 years. At first we didn't get married because we didn't care so much (both of our families are lives in different country, so when you are immigrant and without family, there is nobody to make wedding for). Then, about 5 years ago we got engaged, I guess society still need marriage, so we decided to make it in my home country. We went for vacation there and we couldn't apply as the regulation are to apply for marriage at least 30 days before the date and we were there for 2 weeks only. So, we didn't married that year, we decided to make it the next year spring. Well, in Feb I learned that my mom is sick with 4th stage of cancer, so any celebrations ruled out. I know that my mom would cry and my party would be a bunch of crying people including me the most. I still don't care about certificate. We are together, we are good together, that's matters the most to me. Now, since I lost my mom, I don't care at all about any wedding parties. I probably would go to City Hall when I will decided to get pregnant (that's my other topic on this board! I have huge anxiety to get pregnant, I afraid of everything....)
The Facebook, I'm not that often there, I'm not too social, but to show pictures to my friends and family is really good place on web and it is free smile I thought everybody using Facebook, but now I found that you are not smile
Yes, I used to be a dancer, 10 years professional. Once I danced for Latoya Jackson (sister of Michael Jackson) and her concert in Dubai, and for some other famous british singers. Mostly for shows, started with ballroom and then turned to modern dance. Nothing naked or anything like that smile I was a serious girl all the way when I was growing up. I never got drunk in my life and actually I don't drink at all (maybe it's a bad thing, people found alcohol to make them relax and I stick to pills :-(( I would talk to you about dancing experience, you can share with me yours, thats' would be great. Maybe you have any youtube videos to share? I don't. I stopped dancing at 21, but I miss a lot and when I see beautiful dancing (doesn't matter what style) I'm getting tears from excitement. I'm working long day, so my timing for chat would be hard but not impossible smile) My email at hotmail always available, so just shoot me an email if you have some time.
about the dreams... I didn't know that it is going to be that painful. Unfortunately you know only after someone dies and you can't tell that person anymore how much you care about him. Thinking that my mom is gone forever freaks me out. I'm getting panicky. Oh, I hate panic. I was sure that I got rid of my panic attacks, I haven't got them for years (again, thanks for this board! I got really good book recommendations, so my help started here!). Now I got my anxiety back and panic (not as bad as I used to have but bad enough to bother me). I'm getting older, more hypochondriac, I don't like to be this way and I don't have a choice. ...
Oh, we are frying here in New York. Yesterday 108F, today 105, what's happening? Outside like an oven and I feel my self like a turkey. Feel bad for animals :-( It is past 1am, I'm off to sleep. Thank you! smile
Posted 8/8/2011 5:35 AM (GMT 0)
..... it hurts... it hurts so bad..... sometimes I can't find a place where to escape from this pain inside me. Pain of my soul... there is no words ..
Posted 8/8/2011 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Elen

Yes, it hurts and I understand how badly it hurts. On Friday it will be 21 years since my son died in a car crash. He was just 21 years old and although the pain has eased the heart still aches. I am here for you my friend.

Blessings and prayers,

Kitt
Posted 8/9/2011 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Kitt... I'm sorry for your loss. You are very brave. It is unnatural for parent to bury their kids, so I can't even imagine what you've gone through. Words simply are not enough to talk about. Thank you.
Posted 8/9/2011 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Elen! I am sorry I am so late getting back to you...I have meant to post, and then gotten side-tracked with work, or volunteering stuff, ect. Things are winding down a bit for me now though, as my summer session classed are in their final week.

I am so sorry that things are hard right now. There are going to be times when you feelings are very 'raw', and everythings hurts as you said:(

There will be a time of repreive though...hold on to that, it will get easier. Your lovely mom will always be missed, but the hurt will lessen.

I will e-mail you soon and check in after a bit. If you feel up to it, you are welcome to do the same:)

Hugs my friend,
S.C.
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