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Mornings are soooooo hard

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Posted Today 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Woke up this morning with the usual dread. The tape is running that i've got a disease that I've been tested for and DO NOT HAVE. But my brain is attacking me and will not accept the facts. In addition to this I have such self loathing and disgust. It's horrible. I stared seeing a new therapist yesterday and she seems great but I know it's not a quick fix. I need a quick fix. I would trade off a limb to not experience this severe anxiety and depression.

The sad thing is I know the only chance I have to feel better is to get up and get moving but I'm so defeated that I just lay here. I'm exhausted as well from both the anxiety and depression and I work at night and get to sleep very late and wake up early. Last night I went to sleep at 2:30 and got up several times through out the night.

I really want to turn away the tape.

I AM DISEASE FREE....I AM DISEASE FREE...I AM DISEASE FREE!!!

Sorry for the rant I just need to let this go and now.
Posted Today 5:48 PM (GMT 0)
Im sorry your going trough that. I dont know what its like to worry about having a disease constantly. My main issue is worrying about my Crohn's disease flaring up or I worry about the stove being on constantley. Anyways I hope the therapist helps.
Posted Today 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply. This illness is so much about loneliness it's a little boost to know there are others out there.
Posted Today 6:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ziggy, I am sorry that you are suffering so much right now, I know the feeling as I was in the same spot at one time.

I copied this for you, it explains why the a.m. might be so rough for you. Cortisol is the hormone that gets us up and going after sleeping...but too much of anything will cause our system problems as you can see from this article...

'Under normal circumstances, your body maintains or regulates your natural cortisol levels. Most healthy adults have a high cortisol level first thing in the morning and a low cortisol level at night. But when you're feeling stressed, your body secretes more cortisol. Cortisol is frequently referred to as the "stress hormone" because it's also secreted in higher levels during the body's fight or flight response to stress. It is also responsible for several stress-related changes in your body.'

I hope that this knowledge will help you, it did me. Once I realized that there was a reason that I was waking up in a panic, I was able to just let the fear go, and get on with my day...rather than suffer for hours with the symptom/anxiety cycle.

I like the mantra that you used in your post. Mantras are very powerful and should be used often! The words that we say to ourselves have a huge impact! One of my favorites to use when I am feeling nervous about my symptoms is:

"I am okay, it is only fear that is making me feel this way."

Keep saying these positive things to yourself, and it will start to sink in. Also, hang in there with the therapy. I know it is not quick...but the results are worth the wait, I promise:)

Take care and keep posting,

S.C.
Posted Today 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
thanks cat. I just had a horrible scenario occur. As I said my wife is a pilates instructor. I was on the phone with a friend filling him in on my difficulties and my wife comes running into the house and says quick come out there's been an accident. One of the springs slipped off and hit her 7 month pregnant client in the eye. Of course as you said I probably got another shot of Cortisol and thought how can i help. but it did and calmed everyone down. But then my wife handed me a tube of neosporin to give her as she was driving off and so I caught her and she put some on her eye. Now here's where the insanity comes in. I have hep c and although i haven't used that tube in several months but I thought oh my god i've given her hep c.
I know it's probably ridiculous but my whole body took it in and now I'm freaked out about that. What the hell is going on in the universe that i need to feel this bad. It really sucks.

If there is any doctors on this forum can you please give and opinion. Like I said I haven't used it in months and even then i tried not to put the actual tip on my cut.

Please help.
Posted Today 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Ziggy...I will keep you in my prayers. I hope things get better for you soon. I think Scaredy cat has great advice

All the best, Amy
Posted Today 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know any of you but I have a great deal of love all of you. Thanks Amy
Posted 12/2/2011 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ziggy,

I hope that you are feeling better about things this morning. That was a stressful event yesterday. I would absolutely not worry about the transmition of anything through the sharing of the ointment. To my knowledge, a virus could not live outside (the body) in that environment for months.

When we are under large amounts of stress, we tend to get unrealistic fears that plague us. Even if rationally we know they are not true, the mind can still keep replaying them almost obsessively.

Keep practing your coping skills...exercise, breathing/progressive relaxation, positive mantras, ect.

I hope that today is a really good day for you:)

S.C.
Posted 12/2/2011 3:45 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning Ziggy,

Big breath and give yourself kudos for coming to the rescue and keeping everyone calm last evening.  Hep C is spread primarily by exposure to human blood. As this woman was not exposed to your blood I think you can put away this fear that you may have contaminated her. The hepatitis C virus, or HCV, can live outside the body for up to 4 days. However, many experts think it usually survives up to 16 hours at room temperature. I hope this helps you let go of this worry.

I agree, SC posted you great info.  I go through spells where I have a really tough time in the mornings and in fact I am experiencing that right now.  It stopped for a long time but now seems to have crept back into my life.

Accepting that we have anxiety is really tough and even thow I accept it I really don't like it.  It drains me daily and this time of year makes it even harder as I so want to feel good. 

I am glad you have a new therapist and give this person and yourself some time to work through your issues .............I know you will make it through and will be OK.

Sending you many warm wishes and keeping you in my prayers.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 12/2/2011 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
Why do you have self disgust and loathe yourself so much? When you feel that what are you telling yourself?

I know what you mean about feeling the dread and feelings of doom. Whenever I get a twinge or even a stomach ache I automatically assume the worst like cancer. I have had every test under the sun, work out all of the time but still think my demise is on its way shortly.

Do you know where you fear is coming from? Sometimes once we find out where it is coming from we can sort of figure out why we are thinking so irrationally. I am not saying that it will go away but it does help to know why we are feeling the way we are and then work from there.
Stay strong!
Posted 12/2/2011 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Tinlou I have been dealing with some personal issues that can really take me to a dark place. And when I'm forced to face them I go into the self loathing. I feel like it will never end. As I begin to accept one thing my mind searches for something else to scare me. I don't know how much a factor but I've have not been taking my meds as prescribed and that ain't good. I tried to get an appointment with as psych for med mgnt and one gave me Jan 9 and another Dec 15, I told the assistant it was a bit of an emergency and they just said "sorry." That really sucks. I asked if they could call with a cancellation and one said that they don't do this. But the Dec 15 on said they would. UGH!

Yesterday I worked out and felt great so this morning I thought I'd work out and I didn't get much relief.

On Monday I'm going to visit my 83 y.o. mother who's health is failing. She lives alone on the other side of the country and I'm all she has. My Father and three brothers all died young, which is a whole other issue to deal with. I fear in my condition I will not be able to be there for her as she was for my Father and Brothers. She was an amazing caregiver. I hoped I'd feel better before I left but it doesn't appear to be the case. In the meantime I must pull my self together and be there for her.
Thank you so much for your kind words and reminding me to stay strong though I feel so weak.
Posted 12/2/2011 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
No one should loathe themselves unless they are truly a terrible person and I don't get that from you at all. You are important just because you are alive and no one knows how much time they have on this earth, scary as that is, we have to try and make the best of life as we know it.

Both my parents died young and that is also a fear of mine but I am trying to do everything that I know of that is actually in my control to have a better healthier life. Don't give up on working out. There are days I work out and still feel depressed or full of anxiety but I am not giving it up because it does help a lot! You have to be consistent with it though or you won't get the health or mental benefits from it at all. You have to take care of yourself the best you can and that means believing you are worth it. Just because we have had family members who have passed young doesn't mean that will be our fate. Hey, we might live to be 85 and look back and wonder why we didn't enjoy it more!!

Taking care of your mom might be stressful but sometimes caring for others helps us not to focus so much on our problems, it gets us out of our own way and the ability to care and nurture another is always healing for the soul.

Stay strong, we can do this!
Posted 12/2/2011 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
thanks couldn't agree more. I really need to focus on anything but me. It's all obsessive thinking. Unfortunately it feels real but it's not.
Love this forum.
Posted 12/2/2011 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
thanks couldn't agree more. I really need to focus on anything but me. It's all obsessive thinking. Unfortunately it feels real but it's not.
Love this forum.
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