It has been awhile...

Hello All,

I haven't posted in a while and suddenly felt the need to update my status to people I've never met;)

Like many of you, I suffer with panic attacks and daily anxiety which is complicated with agoraphobia. Early this Fall, I finally started seeing a therapist (my third) who actually seems to have an inkling as to how to help me out of my crazy head and into a sane one. Turns out, I am way more screwed up than I thought, lol! (you have to laugh).

I knew I had an anxiety disorder which I have been trying to work through with a number of self-help workbooks. Also, I assumed I had some form of depression - I actually have both major depression and dysthimia (I knew I wasn't as dull as I thought I was;)). Also, she diagnosed me as schizoid and almost borderline. How I have managed to function this long is beyond me (not that I've been functioning well, but I've been functioning).

I also started working this Fall and as of today quit the job. I feel guilty about leaving a job after working so hard to get it (I had to go through a multitude of interviews, a one month course and 4 exams), but my mental health was visibly degrading. I obviously bit off more than I could chew, hoping I was in a better place mentally than I really was. Oh well, live and learn.

I hope everyone is doing well and welcome to those of you I have not me yet.

Regards,

DarkWolf.

Hi SC,

Thank you for the warm welcome back. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I decided to stop working - keep wondering if I did the right thing (probably is, but still I get nagging thoughts...).

I would love to keep you updated as to any new progress, but after nearly 20 years of dealing with this (and now I have more mood disorders, yippee!) I'm feeling a little pessimistic. Here is what is in my brain at the moment (I was writing the following in a word document and thought "meh, might as well post-it...someone my have some insight."

"Just a few things I feel I need to jot down...

I’m a mess and I’m only getting messier. I don’t feel like I have a good enough support system because I barely know what will help. Anxiety is no longer my only issue; I guess it never was. I suffer from depression, which I sorta knew, but now that it has been diagnosed, I don’t feel the need to put as much effort into any sort of recovery. Before the diagnosis I would tell myself I was just being lazy and at least make an effort to change. Now, I say “it can’t be helped, I have depression” and proceed to sleep all day. Plus, I’m schizoid – literally! How did my brain get so screwy? Oh! And my psychologist told me I lack any sort of ego.

I really hate being me. I don’t wish to be anyone else either, I just don’t want to be me. I have to reprogram my brain. I’ve been attempting to do that for the last, I don’t know, 22 years? Sigh. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I want to make a plan...I love planning things...But I don’t see the point anymore. Each mental issue seems to keep me from properly recovering from the other mental issues. I am schizoid and so I'm not exactly a people person which makes getting help and building a decent support system rather difficult. Depression keeps me from making any true efforts to overcome my issues with anxiety (particularly agoraphobia) and anxiety keeps me from taking any risks because the symptoms are so uncomfortable. Without an ego, I can convince myself very easily that there is no point in making the effort anyway. I want to get better, but I have no clue where to start! I don’t even know where to post anymore!"

Well, I can't say I feel better for saying all that, but my head does feel emptier...I suppose that's good. Right?

Regards,

DW

Hey DW,

I have only read your post at the moment, and I felt I wanted to say this. I too have suspected I have more than I have been diagnosed with, in fact, I am very certain of it. On investigating and educating myself, I found this site. On a Dr visit I told her what I suspected was also going on and I told her at this stage I didn't want to do anything about it, as I have coped and contributed in society this long without medical intervention. She is a very understanding Dr who goes slow with me as she knows my background. I may look into it at a later stage if it begins to be uncontrollable for me, but I still feel the same way a year down the track.

For me when I read your post, I just wanted to ask, do you with all your intelligence agree with the diagnoses you have been given? For me, I would be seeking second opinions, especially if they are trying to medicate you. I know you are intelligent, I remember your posts, it maybe that you carry other conditions, but I care enough to say, be careful.