How It All Began.

Just joined this site, figured i'd do some venting,see if that helps.
sex:Male
age:18

My battle with anxiety/depression/ocd began at the age of 15. It was 3 days after my 15th birthday party when I had watched my dad die of a stroke, I often blame myself for his death because before he died I walked out on him (he was a mentally abusive father when he was drunk but so loving when he was sober). After the passing I began to notice that I had become more reserved, quiet,shy and anxious. I had always been a very loud and out-going kid without a single worry, now I obsess over everything. I worry about what people say about me, If I say something wrong-could I have said it better?. I feel like I have no worth in this world, I just hide at home all day and do nothing, I'm wasting my life away and it sickens me, I know that its all in my head but if thats the case, why cant i trick my mind into thinking that there actually is nothing to worry about. Everyday i'm constantly worrying about everything and anything, I constantly think/plan my life years in advance. I get the same re-occuring obsessive thoughts, I talk to myself(in my head) constantly and avoid any contact with people that I dont know. As far as depression, I'll have a healthy thought process for a minute then the next I'm thinking about ******* and how much I hate living life like this, I have thought ******* harm many times but I have never been able to gather up the courage to do so, I just couldnt leave my family and friends behind, another thing keeping me from ******* is the belief that I will not go to heaven if I do so and I kinda want to meet Elvis. Because of the anxiety/depression I have not been able to maintain healthy friendships, I cannot hold a conversation anymore for more than 3 minutes, I just sit and think to myself and think how awkward the silence is and think about if theyre thinking that its awkward. I spend 95% of my day thinking about anything/everything and the other 5% sleeping. Well, thats my story, there is much more info that I left out due to the fact that I'm typing this in tears.

And so I ask you this question, why me god?

Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 12/10/2011 7:52:31 AM (GMT-7)

Hi WhyMe,

We have lived similar lives when it comes to our childhoods. I watched my mother die of cancer at 15 and always felt it was my fault. I started to have panic attacks while waiting for the ambulance to come and get her while she was vomiting blood. I watched in terror thinking she would die before they arrived but never in my wildest dreams did I think that she was going to die and leave me motherless at 15 with 5 siblings to raise but she did. I started to worry about everything then and started to have compulsive worrying thoughts. The panic and anxiety overwhelmed me and I was in a constant state of running all the time.
To make a very long story short...I survived! Many, many years of drugs, agoraphobia, hospital stays and suicidal thoughts and drug trials but I am here still and finally have a positive attitude toward life and all its challenges. I have tried alot of medications for depression but am currently taking Cymbalta and it appears to be working but I do believe that attitude also plays a big part.
I hope you doing fine and anytime you want to talk I am here.

@ty1989 I was put on an anti-depressant by my doctor a few months back but I got off the meds because they werent working at all, I can't stand therapy because I don't want my therapist thinking im crazy lol.

@Barbara thanks for sharing your story, i'm not the only one :(

@Scaredy Cat gotcha on editing my post, no worries.

I just wish overcoming a mental illness would be easier than counting to 5.

Post Edited (whymegod) : 12/10/2011 12:00:05 PM (GMT-7)