Overwelmed by how much I have to do

emmmm. I know I'm meant to break it up into little parts and work from there but I'm doing that but it's so much stuff to do and to focus on that it just seems ... gigantic.

I need to learn about typography, I want to learn about biochemistry and quantum mechanics, I want to learn how to cook basic vegetarian food, I need to learn about online marketing and how to get more internet exposure, I want to get off all of my pills because I feel shackled to Dublin, I need to do yoga and meditate, and secure a book deal, write more, re-connect with my friends, boost my energy levels so I can get through the workday in my dull as all hell 9-5 job, and learn to manage my finances because I'm really bad and then avoid them because I'm really scared.

Oh and do a piano exam.

And get my driver's licence.

I just don't know where to start. I feel like there's not enough time, and so I freeze and do nothing, you know? All I ever want to do is hide in bed.

I think I expect too much of myself and at the same time have a very low opinion of myself. Maybe if I make a timetable, it might help. Maybe everyone needs a timetable!

I've been finding things hard to deal with. Maybe it's just the time of year. Just really overwhelming, I mean.

I think the most important thing is the anxiety itself. I want to get off my medication so much but I'm afraid of living without it, of dealing with things alone. It's been 10 years, like. Part of me just wants to do it cold turkey and thrash out the withdrawal and just ... be clean again, not chemically dependant on anything. So, dealing with anxiety means watching my sleep, my diet, do yoga and do the breathing exercises. Mindfulness.

I mean, I have 12 months to do everything. I do forget to make time for myself. I feel like making time for myself is wasting time, so therefore I try and find some things in the works I need to do that I enjoy and that make me happy. You know?

thank you so very much for answering, I could hardly breathe when I was posting; my teeth locked together, those random kind of spasms in my legs? The twitching.

This post is not entirely structured very well, apologies.

thank you again so much. I just can't deal with stuff.


Jess

xxx

Thanks Scaredy :) And hello back :) wave!

I'm not in school anymore, sadly, but I work for google at the moment. Being in university is amazing - I can't stress that enough. If anyone's reading this while in university, try and fail a few years, okay? never leave! real life sucks!

I think that most people concentrate on their careers but I'm more interested in finding out who I am, and just like self-awareness, self-improvement...enlightenment, dare I say it :D .

I'm only starting to really look at 'the future' in the last week or so. That I might have one. I can never see that far into the future, maybe about six months ahead. I live my life cautiously, I guess, expecting for me to sometime get the spine stiffening needed to ... you know. Like maybe I might be able to have a life beyond what I've been living, one that doesn't ricochet between doctors and therapists and nurses, with day hospitals and waiting rooms and the dreaded trip to The Unit. Imagine, like, just to stand on my own feet for the first time in my life. I'm 26 years old, and I feel I'm only waking up now, only trying to figure myself out now.

So maybe my giant list is a life list, not a year list, not a Do This Now list.

If there's anything I'm thinking of now from your replies and my ranting (apologies) it's to remember my limitations always and put my wellbeing before anything else. I've always put it last. Always working or drinking too much, not eating etc.

So. Strip it down. Breathing, yoga, meditation. I'll just do that for the last 3 days of the holidays before I go back to work (grrr) and I'll tell everyone about the effects of just ... taking it easy.

I think people (I) need to learn to be kind to themselves.