Hey everyone, hope you are all having a good New Year thus far!
I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. I am writing this in hopes that my "story" can help someone out there or that perhaps someone could do the same for me.
I'm 25 years old and it is my senior year in Mechanical Engineering. I feel like I have always had anxiety for most of my life. I have felt more in tune with my surroundings than my friends were; particularly within myself. It may sound strange, but sometimes I could feel things before they would happen...almost like a frequent state of deja vu. Maybe this isn't even possible, but I'm trying to describe it the best I can. I've been told by my psychiatrist and psychologist that I had a pretty rough childhood and without receiving therapy for it, I had no other means for coping except to analyze and process things in my own way.
There have been moments in my life where I have been extremely anxious. Most, however, were in situations and scenarios in which I have felt this way before. As a result, I began making negative associations from a young age (9 years old). I know this wasn't the correct thing to do, but when you have to figure it out yourself; you just "make do." My parents had a disturbing divorce when I was 9 years old in which we moved 1800 miles away and started "new." The real kicker is that my mom had left my dad for his brother. Yes, my "uncle." Nothing was explained to me, so I had to process it and interpret it the only way I knew how. I had a few traumatic experiences with doctors when I was 14 years old, so I still struggle immensely with the thought of visiting them. When I was 20, I had a very negative experience with the dentist; so needless to say, I have a difficult time visiting any health professional. In all situations, I had to be my own emotional support person.
These last few months have been the most difficult for me in my entire life. I had a very scary panic attack when I was home alone. I frantically tried to call everyone I knew, including my wife, but I could not reach anyone. It is something that left me traumatized and emotionally scarred. It would not end quickly enough, and the whole ordeal lasted roughly two hours. Once it subsided, I was terrified for another one. Unfortunately, I began making associations. After this particular panic attack, I still attended school and tried to remain vigilant for the next ambush.
A week later to the day, I had another panic attack when I was home alone. This one was much worse than the first. The sensations were much stronger and the fear was much greater. I was convinced that I was going to die right then and there. I almost wished it because I thought that could provide relief. I recall lying on the bed and screaming aloud in frustration. Again, I wasn’t able to get a hold of anyone. This panic attack truly rocked my world and changed my life.
Shortly after, I began having panic attacks outside of my home. I began to avoid school at all costs once I started experiencing them there. I avoided driving because of the fear of having a panic attack while driving. My world was closing in on me at an alarming rate. I felt powerless and hopeless. It felt as if my life was disappearing day by day while I watched it all unfold, unable to stop it. I was terrified to be alone, I was terrified to go anywhere, and I was terrified to live.
My wife had her final internship for school and would have to leave early in the mornings. I began losing sleep. I would pray that the power would go out and cause the alarm clock to not wake her. I was desperate for something that I couldn’t reach and couldn’t comprehend. When she would have to leave for school, I would drive to my school at the same time, except I would park outside of the emergency room all day long. This was the only place I felt a little more relaxed because I figured help was there if I needed it. Keep in mind that I have a borderline fear of doctors. School suffered, and I had to withdraw from two of five classes. Of the remaining three, I only passed two. My attendance was non-existent.
I finally made an appointment to see the school psychiatrist. She had told me it was anxiety disorder caused my multiple PTSD experiences. She prescribed sertraline and clonazepam. The first week of the sertraline was horrendous. I felt so indifferent to the world and withdrawn. I had disturbing thoughts and wanted this suffering to end at all costs. I was eventually switched to paroxetine and have to admit that I feel “better.”
I have to admit that I still feel hopeless. I try and display a brave face and remain optimistic to my friends and family who know what is going on, but deep down I feel like I’m dying inside. Granted, the paxil is helping me function more than I was able to and I have been “pushing” myself more and more in the last few weeks. My psychologist and wife see progress within me, but I still can’t help but look at where I was, and where I currently am. Going to the store by myself is difficult for me to do, although I still attempt to do this. Rather than feeling proud that I went beyond my comfort zone, I feel extremely frustrated that I had a difficult time.
The psychiatrist has me on 20mg of paxil and 0.5mg of clonazepam (to be taken 1-2 times daily). My original dose of clonazepam when I was on Zoloft was 0.25mg. Since I switched to paxil, I have not taken the 0.5mg of clonazepam. I am paranoid about medications. I took clonazepam while on Zoloft, but don’t know if there will be a reaction to the paxil. I know this sounds irrational, but sometimes I can’t help it. I can’t help but look at the fact that I need medications to function. Sometimes it would be nice to do the things I used to be able to do, like have a beer once a week.
I recently found out that I am ineligible to receive financial aid. This means that there is current means for me to finish school. I have six classes remaining to get my degree. Financial aid also helps my wife and me to pay our bills each month. She is also cut off from financial aid. We had each applied for private loans, but those are still processing and school starts on Jan 9th. I feel like I have slipped into a state of depression because of school and because of my current mental state. If I somehow receive my loan in time for school (which can take up to 21 days from yesterday), I am not confident that I can attend school because of my fears. Ideally, I need to get a job just to cover expenses, but I feel so limited by panic disorder and have very little confidence in my ability to do even that.
The psychologist said I have panic disorder and am developing agoraphobia. I am just now at the state where I can accept this and hear criticism. I have multiple workbooks to work through, but each one state that the recovery lies within myself and I have to want to get better in order to get better. I am honestly scared because I know that no one can provide the magic "words" to make this all go away. The answers lie within myself. I don't feel strong enough to pull myself out of this, though. I am extremely frustrated. Honestly, do I want to get better? I want to so bad, but I can’t answer this. I can’t help but think that this is as good as it gets. Don’t get me wrong, I have a higher belief system and I believe that there is a reason for this and I am meant to do something with it. At the current moment, though, I can’t for the life of me see what I am supposed to do.