Posted 1/8/2012 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
So, I am 19 almost 20 and am in my last semester of college. I have been struggling with Panic disorder for three years now.
I have been to counselors, therapists, and been put on medication. I try not to take the medication though, and there is a good reason why.
It started when I went on exchange 3 years ago to Brasil. I was in grade 11 and thought I was ready, but when I got there I learned I was not. Funny thing about Brasil is that most people there do not believe in mental illness, so when I started getting panic attacks (the full ones where I thought I was going to die) They thought I was going insane. I was sent to numerous hospitals and shipped to different homes every 3 weeks. When I started to come down off of one of my panic attack "waves" (that is what I called them) The people would calm down, but the moment the next ones hit, back to the doctors and into a new home. They put me on anti psychotic medication, which was supposed to help with my mental stability, but was know to throw people into depression and commit suicide. 3 Months in and 20 pounds lost from vomiting and not eating, I saw my host father die in front of me. Before this I was going through a calm period, but as you can guess, seeing that through me over the edge again, and back on the meds.
The program that sent me finally decided maybe I wasn't faking everything a got me home. My home doctor looked at the medication I was taking and was horrified. Apparently I should have killed myself before I got home with the meds (-.-)
So now I take no medication. I have learned to deal with it, but often go through extreme bouts of anxiety and depression. I do know it will get better, and am always trying to talk positively to myself. I am proud of myself for what I have done without the help of others.
I would like support even someone to talk to. After Brasil, I am scared of showing anyone what is wrong with me or talking about it, as maybe they, too, will think I am insane and making it up. I have no close friends, and I am trying not to rely on my mother (I am very close with her) as much as I am growing up and need to stop being so reliant on her.
This last semester of school has just started, and already I am extremely depressed again. I am in art school (Digital Arts) and I am not that great of an artist, I am more of a web design person. As such, my art teacher parades my work in front of the class showing others what NOT to do. My web teacher is amazing, and always praises me, but it is quiet praise. Makes me happy, but because of my loud mouthed art teacher, it makes it seem like I am a failure.
Hence this bout of depression and anxiety at the moment. Anyone to talk to would be nice. I am going crazy in my dorm room alone.
Wow, I wrote and essay... sorry