Hi everyone,
I am new to healing well. I feel like I want to vent to people who may be in my position or understand how I feel. Hopefully someone will have advice for me.
First I'll give you a quick summary of my anxiety, etc. I have had anxiety my entire life. (I am close to 30 now). As a child, even into my teens I had severe separation anxiety from my mother. We are extremely close to this day, and I worry about losing her very often. Overall I had a pleasant childhood, although anxiety definitely interfered with my well-being and has carried over into my adult life.
I am currently on lexapro to help control my anxiety. I go to therapy once a week and once a month go to accupressure to move the energy in my body. I have good days and bad days in which I feel that I cannot function and I am so nervous and depressed.
I have been dating someone for numerous years now. Our plan is to move in together soon and eventually get engaged. There are definitely some issues in our relationship, obviously noone is perfect. Throughout our relationship my boyfriend has been very hesitant on talking about the future. Even to this day I am the one to mention it. Lately he has came around more than ever, and sometimes is the one to mention living together in a few months. Before I live with him I need to live alone for a few months. I am so afraid of being alone, but my therapist thinks this is something I need to do, instead of going from the security of my parents to him. The other issues in our relationship have gotten better lately so I am not going to even mention them.
Here's where the problem is... when we were going out for around 9 months I randomly all of the sudden felt so depressed as if we had broken up, (we hadn't and weren;t planning on it- everything was going great). I suddenly felt distant and would cry to the point of feeling helpless. We were still in the honeymoon stage and I almost felt as if things were too good to be true. (my therapist thinks I may have been afraid to lose him/ be abandoned) Over the next few years and even currently I still feel like this on and off. There are times when I imagine our future and want to be with him forever and get excited thinking about it. There are other times where I am unsure and my negative thoughts do not stop. I sometimes hear in my head - he's not the one, it's not going to work, you need to break up, etc. Also, if I have a dream I don't like (for example if I'm cheating on him or I'm thinking ok this isn't going to work), I get really upset when I wake up. It's so hard to determine sometimes, because these thoughts and feelings take over and make my mind and I believe everything whether it's true or not. I sometimes feel like I'm 2 people going back and forth. I have NO intention of breaking up with him- he is such a great guy and I really do love him and think we are a great match in a lot of ways. He is good for me and helps me calm down so we balance each other out, and is there for me even at my worst. I sometimes can't imagine why he would even want to be with me the way I am, but he tells me he accepts my flaws and loves me anyway and is not going anywhere. I could never imagine being without him and losing what we have. I am just tired of feeling this on and off feeling and hearing these obsessive thoughts that make my life miserable. I will definitely write more soon, I need to get to work. Please, if anyone has ever been in this situation or can offer advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks for reading this.