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Posted 2/22/2012 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi. I need a listening ear.. As some of you know I have agoraphobia and panic attacks. My boyfriend of 8 yrs isnt very understanding. It is hard for me to leave the house( the whole safe zone thing). Anyway, I am pretty sure he is used to it by now as its been going on for about a year.

What he is not understanding about currently is this: It is hard for me to leave the house and when I do, I really do have to force myself. Well, we got a nice tax refund and he wants to take a " roadtrip" with the kids. Last summer with the help of meds, I went to a condo about 3 hrs a way for 5 days..it was a goodtime but I had constant panic attacks and was there with a total of 21 ppl from his family so that made it hard as well. This trip he wants it to be just us and our 3 kids.But he wants to go 16-20 hrs away. He doesnt understand that if I cant go 20 minutes in a car sometimes, how can I last THAT long?? I even offered to go to the Wisconsin Dells again(the 3 hr trip). and he says no. He is more into the roadtrip than he is the destination.

Sorry for rambling. Maybe Im just venting. I dont want to ruin any fun for my children. I guess I just cant wrap my own head around going that far when I have a hard time going to the grocery store. Sad to say, but I havent went anywhere since Christmas Day. I know that sounds bad, but it is the truth.

I know I cant force him to understand. but it is causing a huge rift right now( the trip). I understand his points, it must be hard to live with someone who is scared of going places.I see things from both sides. I go to therapy next week. I havent been since before Thanksgiving. I hope she(therapist) can give me some advice. because I feel really stuck.
Posted 2/22/2012 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
Wow CB, I think that you deserve a medal for surviving your last vacation!!! Agoraphobia isn't my issue...but if I had to spend my free time with 21 of my husband's family members in a condo, somebody wouldn't have made it back home, Lol!!!

Okay, joking aside, I am glad that you are due to see your therapist, and think that you need to ask for her input and help with this. Hopefully she can tell you if she thinks you are up for this, and if so, then help you come up with a coping plan. How much time do you have? Sometimes exposure therapy can help, but it is not a quick fix.

On the other hand, if she thinks that this is not a good idea, then at least you have her backing you up, so that your guy doesn't just think that you are being overly dramatic...in other words, you can say that the trip is not going to be good for your overall health.

I hope that it all works out, and that you can find a solution/comprimise, ect. that will make everyone feel validated and supported.:)

I wish you the best in this, and let us know what you decide.

S.C.
Posted 2/22/2012 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
Great vent. I understand how you feel and I have been in your shoes.  My hubby and I planned a 550 mile road trip at a time when I was in a very low spot and was also afraid to leave my safe place 6 years ago.  I was not even able to attend a family wedding and my family all went without me which I insisted on yet I felt so dang bad about myself for not being brave and tough.  (Now there is some pure stinkin thinkin !)  I was not weak, I was a person with major depression and anxiety. 

So the day we are ready to leave on our road trip I got into the car and by the time we had gone 50 miles I was in tears and wanting to go back home.  My hubby said lets go another 50 miles and if you still want to go home I will take you home.  You got it - at the next point I  was still in tears and was absolutely sure the only thing for me to do was to go back home.  We stop at a wayside rest and I poured out my feelings to my hubby and he talked me down from my near panic and I agreed to keep going. I freely admit that I took my Ativan as ordered.

We had a reservation to spend a night on the road and I made it to that destination - 1/2 way to where we were headed.  I still wanted to be home so my hubby said, let's spend the night here and  in the morning if you still want to go home we will turn around and go home.

Long story short, I kept on going and made it all the way.  The one thing that helped me the most was having my hubby just talk at me, I did not care what the topic was but to keep visiting with me as it took my mind off of my fears. We talked about our children, grandchildren, the good ole days, motorcycles and on and on.

We spent 3 days at our destination and I had a good time most of the time and when I felt the anxiety rising I would step outside and just look at my surroundings telling myself that I was OK. 

This was me 6 years ago.  Prior to this time I had traveled all over - to Europe, Mexico and all over our beautiful USA.  I had been on many road trips and had never had problems.

Do talk with your therapist and start working on how you are going to deal with this anxiety and get yourself on the road again.  You will make it.

Thinking of you,

Kitt

Posted 2/22/2012 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he is NOT supportive. When I do go in the car, say to therapy, he blasts loud rock music and chain smokes. I cant stand it! He doesnt smoke with the kids in the car, but still.
Also, he drinks a lot and I know that every night we are gone, (because he did it during that last vacation) he will get drunk , because" Im on vacation."
I"m just starting to feel like a prisoner to all of this again. I really hope I can figure something out...and soon!


_Tracey
Posted 2/22/2012 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
Tracey,

I get the strong feeling that you are not comfortable going with you boyfriend and wonder if perhaps he is one of the triggers for your anxiety.

If you do not want to commit to this trip with him then give yourself permission to say no.  You mentioned you don't want to ruin the fun for your children but will they really be happy if the trip is so stressful for you.  Perhaps plan something with the children you can do close to home.

Being a prisoner of his by doing what only he wants to do does not sound like a good time to me either.  I wish you the best.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 2/23/2012 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
CB,

I totally get where you're coming from. My hubby used to get so angry with me for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I became agoraphobic years ago, and with alot of self help, CBT, and medication, I managed to over come it. This is what i've done since then......

I went to Disney World and Universal Studios with my family twice. We flew down the first time, and the second time I actually drove all the way to Florida from Pennsylvania! It took me 18 hours, and I drove straight through!

I went to Washington DC two years in a row, over Memorial Day weekend, for the Rolling Thunder Event on motorcycles. I also rode my own motorcycle down to Maryland for Delmarva Bike Week, and to Upstate New York for a benefit run with the OCC guys. (That was fun!)

I went on two cruises to the Bahamas, the first was a couples cruise that we took with some of our friends, and the next time we took our kids.

And just this past July, we drove to New York City to spend the day. We took the subway, from Time's Square to Little Italy to eat dinner, went to the wax museum, we must have walked MILES that day. And I was totally fine with ONE .5 mg xanax all day. Got a little anxious in the subway station though because it was SO UNBEARABLY HOT!!! And it was crowded!

Fast forward to now..... I just sold my motorcycle because I haven't ridden it for a while now, and it's been sitting in the garage for a few years now. I can barely drive my car without getting anxious anymore, and I had to resign from my job as a school bus driver because all the anxiety and panic came back again, and I was starting to have panic attacks while driving my bus. Gosh, I get nervous driving to see my mom and that only takes me about a half hour!

I'm working my way out of this rut once again. I was fine for a good 3+ years with no anxiety and no meds, until I started perimenopause, then all hell broke loose! LOL!

i have to say though, that for the majority of my vacations, I was on meds (Zoloft & xanax as needed). Then i'd go off of them and be ok for a year or so, then i'd have to go back on again. So this time, i'm on it to stay. I'm a lifer now! LOL!

Good luck to you in whatever your decision is, I know how hard it is to try and explain to someone who has no clue, just how bad the anxiety and panic attacks affect us.

((hugs)) Fox
Posted 2/23/2012 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
Oh wow CB I'm sorry to hear that :(

I know it's a lot harder when there's people you care about who don't seem to be supportive or understanding in the least. My mother was like that with me and my PTSD till I drug her to a therapy session with me so my therapist could help her understand that it WAS an issue for me, and it WAS real. Sometimes people have a hard time coping or dealing with or understanding an illness they can't see with their own eyes. Sometimes people get into denial about it, sometimes they're just frustrated because they don't know how to help and think that by pushing you to do something is going to help you, etc.

I know it's not always an option, but do you think it's possible to discuss your concerns with your therapist, and possibly see about bringing your bf along to a session for some understanding or something?

I'm totally just guessing but, I'm going to assume that before the agoraphobia / panic attacks things in your relationship were going well? Perhaps he is just feeling frustrated because he's not sure how to help or doesn't really understand what's going on completely? Again I have no clue as I don't know the history. I'd hate to think he doesn't care, maybe he just doesn't understand?

At any rate I do feel for you. I know what it's like when people don't understand when you can't do things you used to be able to do, or they don't understand what's wrong or think it's ok to push you because by pushing you they think they'll make you all better, or people just plain not being supportive.

I certainly wish you the best and hope things look up / get better for you soon!!!

*hugs*
Posted 2/23/2012 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
You are probably right. alot of my issues probably stem from the fact that my relationship isnt healthy right now. things with my muscular dystrophy are bothering me and my daughters undiagnosed problems as well.

not to whine. just making an observation.
Posted 2/23/2012 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
carlybob1

Please know you can vent away here and we will never judge you.  We may offer or suggest an idea but that is always in good faith.  I think you know yourself pretty well and you have a lot going on in your life.  The added pressure by the fears of committing to this trip are weighing heavily on you.  Taking care of yourself first is what you need to do so no guilt in making your decisions to do what feels right for you.

Gentle hugs,

Kitt

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