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Posted 2/26/2012 7:54 AM (GMT 0)
I have been dealing with anxiety since my teenage years. It seems to come and go for the most part and has recently began to be more frequently and more intense than usual. My husband is one of those who doesn't deal with emotions by very well --by either showing or handling them. He claims he doesn't know what to do in emotional situations. I try telling him about why I feel the way I do or how my anxiety got triggered and he simply thinks I can just stop thinking about it. We usually end up fighting because I can't let go and eventually I become verbal about the topic--sometimes hours later. The thoughts are repetitive until i talk about it.The main problem has revolved around his daughters mother. His dad is fairly close with her and to me it seems like she is basically still in the famiy, my ex is nowhere in the picture and he can't relate how I feel. His lack of emotion makes it tough because I get left with always feeling like I'm in her shadow or "not good enough" . In my heart I know I am overreacting and she poses no threat to me and is simply close to his dad bc of her daughter,but it still keeps popping up. We r newly married and the father in law is closer to her. Its like i constantly need reassurance that he loves me and everything is ok.My husband doesn't know how to deal with me and thinks I just am over dramatic about everything. He just says everything bothers me when we get in an argument . I love him with all my heart and am scared that this crazy anxiety will take a toll on us..he's one of those guys that can block things that bother him out.How can I get him to understand what I am going through?..

Post Edited (MsLady84) : 2/26/2012 12:58:01 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/26/2012 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MsLady and welcome!

I am sorry that you are going through this at the moment. I and many of the members here know exactly where you are coming from on this!

Family, friends and spouses often can't relate to what those of us with anxiety go through. Even if they are sympathetic, it is hard to really understand the disorder and the feelings/symptoms that go along with it, unless you have experienced it.

My husband also tends to have a 'Why can't you just relax/get over it?' attitude as well. I have tried explaining it...I even bought him a book to read, but I know that he can't relate. He is doing better at accepting it over time however.

Coming here will give you an outlet for your anxiety, and allow you to talk with those who 'get it'.  It can be isolating to have a disorder that no one else seems to have (or talk about) so please stick around...we would love to support you in any way we can.:)

Post anytime, and know that this is a safe place for questions, sharing and venting your fears and feelings among friends.:)

Take care,

Scaredy Cat
Posted 2/26/2012 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
I can totally understand.  It's so hard for some people(guys, specifically husbands) to understand anxiety unless they have it themselves.  Anxiety is an emotional illness.  Although it's very physical, it's not like a physical illness that people can understand.  Sometimes you just can't explain the feelings behind the anxiety.  You might have to take a different approach and tell him the physical effects that it has on you and explain what happens in the body during anxiety or panic. 

As far as the issue about the ex...That will take some time for everyone to deal with the situation.  You need to come to terms with it and your own place and worth in the family and you also need to figure out gentle, non-threatening ways to tell your husband how you feel.  Maybe use illustrations.  You might need to leave the touchy-feely emotions out until he starts to 'get it' a little more. 

Do you talk to a therapist?

I also had trouble when I got married about where my place was in his family.  I lost all my self-esteem and blamed them.  I'm just now realizing(after 17 years) that it was no one's fault.  I just mistook things and didn't really 'see' things straight.  I can now, after all these years, work at getting that self-esteem back that I had before I was married. 

Don't know if this helps or not, I just can relate to your story, reminds me of myself.

Posted 2/26/2012 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MsLady,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety since my teenage years and it's never easy in relationships. It has definitely taken it's toll on many of my close relationships. My boyfriend completely breaks down when I start getting emotional. He also claims not to know how to handle his feelings and emotions. He says when I get emotional, he becomes infuriated because he doesn't like to show any signs of "weakness". How do you explain a panic attack which is completely irrational to a person who has never experienced it? Men especially tend to be very rational in general, so a lot of what goes on with anxiety makes us seem a little crazy. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am not crazy.

In cases like yours, in which you are very much in love, I think it would be helpful to go to a couple's therapist. If you get a good one, they have a way of making your irrational thoughts and feelings seem very rational. Also, sometimes its just helpful to have a neutral party involved... things become more clear. It might even help your husband to learn that it is very healthy to express your feelings.

Whenever I feel like I'm going to lose it and my anxiety is triggered, I remember to breathe. Deep breathing is my first line of defense and has proven to be very helpful throughout the years. 'Just breathe' i tell myself... hand on ur stomach and make sure your stomach is rising when you breathe in and not your chest which provokes more anxiety. This helps to clear my mind so I can go back to the issue at hand and maybe handle it a bit better.

Hope this helps,
Cindy
Posted 2/26/2012 6:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone,
Yes I did used to go to a therapist during my divorce a few years back. They put me on Wellbutrin and switched me to Lexapro. It did help the anxiety, but its almost like it took ALL of my feelings away and my conscious. The Wellbutrin made my drive crash and burn too. Its kinda a hit it miss deal with my anxiety. I may not have any issues for weeks or even months. I do need to go back, I was just in denial. For a while it all almost went away and it has came back.. it was hard for me to stick to a medicine for weeks waiting on it to kick in.

I wish that he would be willing to some kind of couple therapy. I just doubt it. I read one of your posts about emotions=weakness and that sums him up too. He has never shown emotions and any he had the Marines wiped it out of him! I believe that I'm just gonna have go quit fighting it and suck it up and go back to the Dr.

I'm glad to see that I can relate so much to everyone, that's so wild. I just thought I was crazy and I was just going to have to deal with being over dramatic. So relieved to find common ground!
Posted 2/26/2012 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
It's interesting what you said about feeling as though the medication took away ALL your feelings and conscious. I am always super cautious when the doctor prescribes me meds, because of the horrible side effects and I think that is one of them. On some of the meds he has prescribed (especially SSRIs) I feel as though I am a zombie, just completely not myself. The problem with that is: I really like myself. I have learned to accept myself the way that I am. I also tried to ignore it as long as I could, until I realized that sometimes we all just need a little help. Maybe just a boost so that I am not always so scared, nervous, or on edge. He just recently switched me to a medication called Maprotiline. Its a pretty low dose and I only had side effects for 2 days. Its a tricyclic antidepressant but it works for anxiety with depression as well. I'm only on my second week of taking it, but so far, I'm still feeling like myself, just a little more calm, hopeful, content. It really helps with sleep as well, which I think is SO crucial in reducing anxiety.

Also, if you are able to exercise, it is a HUGE help. Sometimes when I feel like the anxiety is kicking in and breathing technique just doesn't cut it, i don't even think, put on my shoes and a great pandora station on my iphone and just run. It's incredibly therapeutic!!
Posted 2/26/2012 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I have started back running lately and getting back on the healthy diet track. I am in the military and I have no choice but to keep in decent shape. So ....I'm interested in this medicine your taking. Does it take a long time to kick in? I'm not much on taking medicine because I am so scared about the side effects as well. If I could get by with the lowest dose of anything it would be great. Last time I was at the doctor and on Lexapro, I actually inquired about a different medicine and she bumped me up from 50 mg to 150 mg if I remember correctly.
Posted 2/26/2012 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
I am taking 25 mg of the maprotiline, not frequently prescribed bc its in the older category of anti-depressants. I started on it exactly a week ago. Just like most anti-depressants, they usually reach their therapeutic level after the first month. However, I feel like its already having positive effects on me. Its so mild that you can barely tell that you are on a medication. That's why I like it so far.

Its funny that you mention your doctor bumping you up to a higher dosage when you wanted to switch. When I went back to the doctor to try to get off cymbalta, he wanted to switch my dosage as well, i told him no way I would continue to take that med. I'd rather deal with the anxiety, pain and depression on my own that have to suffer those types of side effects. He got the hint, and asked what are the side effects that I am absolutely not willing to deal with (I said, insomnia, nausea, vomiting) and that left me with a low dose of this current TCA. Obviously everyone reacts differently to different medications, so the idea is finding something that works for you. What are your personal side effect "deal breakers"? Make sure to discuss all of that with your doctor.
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