Anxiety and OCD?

This is my first post. I came across this group in my usual frantic searches for reassurance that I am not going insane. I have this intense fear of that, becomming insane, and it's really affecting my life. As I type this I'm finishing up another purge of my movies, music and belongings, anything that has themes of violence or insanity eg. horror films/games and negative themed music. Simply because I cannot face these things anymore, I somehow feel they will affect me in some way and I panic as soon as I see anything about murdering or acting psychotic. I've suffered from OCD symptoms my entire life and while irritating they were always manageable however when in league with this new anxiety disorder I seem to have (or hope I have lest it be something worse) it's unbearable. It began when I stopped taking my anti depressants a couple of years ago, I was foolish and stopped cold turkey. BTW NEVER do this! I felt like I was dying. Anyway that's when it all started, although I cannot prove if that caused it or if the meds were just masking these symptoms but intense waves of panic where I thought I'd just stop breathing and die were the initial symptoms of the obvious withdrawl along with a spaced out feeling where the World felt like a dream, balance loss etc. Several years later it hasn't gone away and new things have developed. I now have this intense fear I will go insane and become a violent madman and hurt somebody I love. I get intrusive thoughts of violence and other horrific content. I'm super aware of knives when I do the dishes and make sure they are carefully put away in their drawers and I avoid certain situations and spend less time with my family because I fear losing my mind and hurting them. I cannot be alone with kids at all, it makes me so uncomfortable and I can barely hold a conversation at my worst, I just come across as this stress head freak. When it hits me I do things like tap my fingers together and bite my lip, my legs start bouncing when I sit down, I get this tingly feeling in my head and the back of my neck and start to think I'm losing it which only heightens everything even more.  I get stomach aches and panic when I am not near a bathroom and I suddenly have this need to go to a doctor or a hospital and get myself checked out. Which I have done several times, walked into the hopital just to get an all clear for craziness. They keep telling me the same thing. Strong anxiety. But it's never good enough, a week later I need to hear it again from another professional to make sure It's still just anxiety and not insanity. No doubt nothing anyone posts here in response will convince me either. I recognize it's totally ABSURD but it's no good. I can't help but think maybe I'm not describing myself properly and I miss a key detail that shows I am dangerous or something. Is there anyone else out there like this?

Hello BLS87 and welcome to healing well, I'll start by telling you that I know exactly what you are going through, altough my experience with meds happened just about four months ago when I stopped taking them but I did it accordingly to the dr advise and I still had some withdrawal effects but lasted for a couple of weeks.  after two months of being off the medication the exact same thoughts that you are having came to my mind so I immediately went to my dr and he told me that due to my high stress I was having severe anxiety again and so he put me on the lowest dose of med again and assuring me that nothing was really wrong with me except that I was anxious.  Now let me tell you that I have deal with anxiety before and have overcome it along with therapy which I am still under btw.  Medication does help but what helps the most if our own assurance that we are ok.  I know it's hard I am going through it myself and you can find my posts lately I mean, there are days when I feel so anxious and fearful of every little thing but then I say to myself "these are just thoughts and I have the power to think positive and I am healthy" you are not going insane BLS it's just anxiety that everybody has except that in our cases it's more powerful but we can manage it.  What Barbz is recommending the book by Lucinda Basset I own it and it has helped me especially to understand that anxiety is a learning habit and if we really work with it we can unlearn it.  Let us know how you are doing and let me add that HW is a wonderful place as everybody here is so supportive and I have so much to thank to. I really hope my words can help and you feel better.

Thankyou all for your replies :) It's good to finally converse with others suffering like me. The anti depressants worked for me, effexor XR 175mgs. I was able to do things and grow so much on it but I went off it several times before this last one too because I get confident that I can live drug free. It's always a bad choice. This last time though... Sent me right to hell. So I am nervous about going back on them, I wonder can my body take so much abuse of this stuff?  It's so odd what I've read about this illness it's almost like it has a mind of it's own, it feeds itself against your will by putting the most awful things in your head. So no one ever becomes their thoughts? That's a relief cos some really sick things pop into my mind :( I'm not violent at all! But I have gone through so much these last few years. Failed relationships and being put on suicide watch in a hospital. I haven't had a home for over 5 years either, been moving every 6 months and living out of a suitcase mostly... So it's been hard to keep a counsellor. I pour my heart out to one and then I have to move... Living like that hasn't helped me one bit. I just don't feel like me anymore, like I've lost my identity and I'm just this being going through damage control.

Post Edited (BLS87) : 3/22/2012 6:56:03 AM (GMT-6)

Thankyou S.C. You're right of course and I'm actually thinking of explaining things to my doctor and getting a new script today. What I mean when I said I'm worried if my body can take it again is that throughout the last half decade I've been on and off already and outright quit cold turkey twice, Is it bad for my body? Like heart, liver etc? I wont stop them again if I go back on though which is why it's a big deal. This time will be for good which means a whole life dependent on a pill. I wish I could just naturally balance out like most other people. I don't drink or smoke or have unhealthy habits (other than those above of course) but it's not enough :(

Try not to anticipate any s/e's with the Effexor...everybody reacts in a unique way, and you may not have any negative effects!

I don't believe that going on and off of SSRI's is damaging to your heart/liver...it can just cause bad s/e's when you don't wean properly, and that is uncomfortable...but I doubt that there has been any damage done to your system. Talk to your doctor about all of these concerns to put your mind at rest.

Well you are definitely not alone in this...I don't have the worry of losing my mind, but I have health anxiety. This has been greatly reduced with the help of therapy, but I still have times that it is really a challenge. Instead of worrying about sanity, I worry about being sick, or getting some disabling disease. To oversimplify it...anxiety sufferers tend to fear one or the other thing, (losing one's mind or being sick) and sometimes both.:(

Through therapy and/or medication however, both of these issues can be managed...so I am really glad that you are getting the help that you need! Great job...you should be proud of taking charge of your health.:)

Keep posting with us, and let us know how it is going with the treatment soon.

S.C.

Hi BLS87:)

I am glad that you are seeing your P-doc and doing okay on your meds. You are absolutely right about them increasing symptoms at first, before they start to help. This has been many people's experience and why so many people stop the use of them before getting any benefit...but it sounds like you are going to be able to hang on, so that is good!

It also sounds like you are digging pretty deep with your therapy. This can be tough, as all of the feelings are coming up to the surface. You may feel down and drained for awhile...this is really hard work! In the long run though, you are going to grow and get healthier, so it is worth it.

Try to give yourself little rewards that give you a lift...enjoy a treat, something that is going to make you smile and feel good for awhile.:)

Thanks for the update and keep up the hard work...you are doing great, and progress, while not easy, is the goal!

Talk to you soon,

S.C.