Anxiety returns after years, worse & different than before

When i was just 17 I started suffering panic attacks, heart would start pounding uncontrollably fast and hard like it was going to burst out of my throat. This was frightening, I had no idea what a panic attack was!!
It was very difficult to get through but I did, not with any professional help but just by reading up and counseling myself. I was prescribed xanax but stopped after one or two just made me drowsy and I knew even at that age that this would not resolve the problem! I would take an attack just by worrying about having one, and how embarrassing it would be if I had to get up and run out of somewhere!! Eventually I could calm myself down, instead of running away from the situation I found myself in. Running away is not the answer and it will lead you to believe that leaving the situation is the best thing to do. You feed your fear by doing this and will eventually avoid certain situations / public spaces etc. Accept the fear, it is only a perceived threat, only real in your mind, you will not die, and it will pass, you need to override those thoughts with rational thoughts!
YOUR ANXIETY DOES NOT CONTROL YOU - YOU CONTROL IT! REMEMBER THIS
anyway, ten years later, after a stressful time, and a very short but intense bout of depression (not something I normally suffer from) an anxiety attack came over me like a black cloud!! But instead of just a pounding heart, it was different!
location: at traffic lights, stuck in traffic (surprise surpise) a wave of fear and dread comes over me, a strange sensation / weird feeling happens to my head, I focus on this, what the fk is happening? Something is going wrong in my brain!! I'm so worried, terrified and focused on this that I start to feel confused! I have an overwhelming feeling that I need to get out of here and home! The light turns green. A shaky woman with an elevated heart rate speeds off.
THINKING TOO MUCH: so after this I find myself dwelling on what this was, what was that weird feeling, it wasnt an anxiety attack because I wasnt having any SIGNIFICANT palpitations, WHY did i feel confused, i didnt feel like this before? whats wrong with me? am I loosing the plot? and then I start thinking the worst thing i could - WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN, WHAT IF IT GETS WORSE THE NEXT TIME?
so unfortunately (but predictably for someone who has suffered from anxiety) that's exactly what I did, started worrying - any sensation or weird feeling was this thing happening to me again. Just like focusing on your heart beat, inducing a heart pounding panic attack, I was thinking so obsessively that I was going mad, that it was driving me mad! I was soon able to worry myself into having / imagining, weird sensations in my head and subsequently having a confused, shaky, heart racing, impending doom, I am loosing my mind fit of anxiety. Everything was the same apart from the symptoms, (the situations, scenarios, locations, and negative thoughts and worry). I have read on here about other people feeling the same thing (weird / funny head, not quiet sure how to describe it fully) and so wanted to share my admittedly very long story.
I am getting over it: How? self counseling, reading about it, understanding it, understanding the way you think, changing the way you think. It does not just happen to you, you bring it on yourself. Keeping a daily anxiety journal is a must, it really helps you understand, make sense of it, and if you cant talk to anyone, it is a way of letting it out, you will feel relieved. exercise with long walks, meditation, soothing music, you time, positive thinking, instead of avoiding situations which cause you anxiety, seek them out little by little. I am avoiding alcohol completely. I take xanax if i feel I must, they really do help - having a full blown anxiety attack is a set back, for a week after I will dwell on it, and how I dont appear to be getting any better, taking a xanax can prevent the attack, but more importantly, the dwelling on it!!
A lot of people on here say things like: 'I am worried I am going to get worse'
STOP ! you must stop, whatever point you're at, you probably are at your worst low. You must start believing that you are going to get better, because you can and you will, it is all in your control. You have been normal and anxiety free for the vast majority of your life, so why do you dwell on the times you felt like the world was falling in on you. Do not dwell on the negative, think positive, things change, and you can get back to yourself.
Tonight my anxiety journal will read: no anxiety today, great day! Shared my anxiety story with others and hope it helps someone else deal with it too

I will stick around! and thanks for the welcome. All the best!
Great site - great resource for sufferers - thanks again.

Thanks Snuffles

wishing you all the best too, keep it up, we can beat it!!
its great to support each other here, especially for some people who cant talk about it with the people around them. It is an embarrassing thing in my own opinion, a weakness, not something we want to tell others about really, but talking about it with another person is a comfort and a step to recovery, a weight off your shoulders - slightly embarrassing but you will feel better afterwards, honestly.

I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack there now, however I just realised that what I was suffering from was a tension headache!! There are great massage techniques that you can do on yourself to relieve stress around the head and neck, I would recommend them to anyone who suffers head / neck tension, jaw pain, anyone who suffers from anxiety probably has these !
Just tried a few there and they worked a treat. Attack averted.

Dakota, I know the exact feeling you are speaking of.  I know now as an adult with anxiety, that as a child and teenager I suffered from what must have been anxiety.  I grew up with a father that had anxiety, but with what I read and who have spoken to, it is not hereditary - it is a learned behavior.

To me, that concept is hard to believe because it seems to come out of nowhere when it strikes. 

It finally hit me full out about 5 years ago.  I was, and still am, in a very stressful job.  This job requires me to speak in front of clients and it also requires driving, and these are the 2 very things that started to invoke panic out of nowhere. 

Just like you, I would be stopped at a light, or in traffic, and start to panic.  The feeling in my head would be as if I was going to faint, but almost like an out of body experience. I would get the heart palpitations though.  And I too would drive away nervously and sometimes pull over to calm down, or continue to drive and breath it out.  It got so bad that I could not handle highway driving at all.  I feared I would wreck and hurt myself or others.  The very thought of getting on the highway would create an attack.

This trickled over to my job.  I had 3 or 4 episodes in front of a group of clients, or when speaking to my Rotary club; people I knew for years and should feel comfortable with, but nonetheless, it was happening. 

I am typing as if this condition is past tense.  It's not. I still suffer from this anxiety, but the severity is cyclical depending on many factors.  My MD doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants, but I refused.  I finally had to settle for something that I could take before presentations, or if I had to drive on the highway.  It is Klonopin, which I hate needing.  I had to save my job, and unfortunately this is what has helped - but I hate it!  I have tried all types of natural attempts, but nothing seems to be a lasting or complete solution.

I did finally see a therapist for a while who is very good and explained that people cannot go through high levels of relentless stress without suffering consequences, my nervous system simply is telling me it cannot take the toxic environment. Fortunately he is anti-med too, but says klonopin is ok for now, but cognitive therapies over time should get me off the anxiety pill.  He said walking back into a toxic environment daily is like pouring fuel on a fire you would rather extinguish.  Unfortunately we need the insurance and level of income due to the economy and my husband's job situation over the past few years. 

I'm not a hot mess , I function pretty well with the exception of needing Klonopin most days.  I continue to read up on solutions, exercise, try meditation off and on, and will return to therapy in the future because I would love to wean off the medication.  You are so very lucky that you are able to talk your brain into calming down.  I can do this periodically, but have not been able to do it with any consistent success.  I wish you peace, it is a terrible feeling that I never understood in others until I had it myself. Virgo girl