New here and not doing so well

Hi All,

I am new here.

Here is my story:
I've been having manageable anxiety for several years now. Lately, however, it's been getting real bad.
I am a computer programmer. Started a new job after working for 16 years at one place where I had build an excellent reputation and basically became one of the best guys. The money was good, but I felt like I was stagnating professionally. Plus the company downsized our department unexpectedly, let go of about half of the people, closed the office and sent out the rest of us to work from homes.
Anyway, it was time for me to go. After much effort I found another company that wanted me aboard despite my somewhat outdated skill set. Can't get any better, right?
Well, here's where the fun begins. Two weeks in, I am starting to have panic attacks. Last Tuesday, I had to run home and call my boss after. Next day, same thing (only I lasted almost a full day). Worked from home 2 days after and was barely holding it together even then. I had to had a couple of 30 min long skype calls with one of the new colleagues and felt very anxious and palpitating the whole time.
Ended up going on a two-week unpaid leave of absence. Started seeing a psychologist today...and not at all sure I will be able to handle it after the leave it's over. Having to quit seems like a very real possibility.

It's not just a workplace anxiety, it's more, a mix of things. Social interactions in general cause anxiety on and off, but work related interactions are worse than non-work related ones. I had a bit of that for years, but it was easily manageable. Now, it's ten times worse and killing me.

Certain types of spaces like shopping malls almost a guaranteed severe anxiety. Also, had that in a manageable form before, now it's much much worse. For instance, I had a lot of trouble getting to my psychologist today. He is downtown, so I had to park underground than take the elevator to the shopping level that is basically a maze full of people and neon lighting. Had no idea where to go, felt trapped and about to faint. Got outside somehow, felt a bit better, but still was dizzy and panicky.

Yes, I have been a lot this year and the year before. My dad passed away February this year, I had to fly out in a rush to make it to the funeral. The whole stay was weird, very little sadness, felt almost like a vacation. And I was in a middle of my job search too.

Sept last year, our second kid was born. Healthy boy, so it was a joyful event, but stressful as hell.
Few other things as well, but of lesser significance.

Anyhow, I am in a deep crap here. I just started counselling, my leave ends in a week and a half. I feel that my new employer patience is beginning to wear thin. I am still on probation, haven't demonstrated my abilities yet, but keep having all that trouble. It feels that one more panic attack and I am going to have to quit. Luckily I have savings and can stay off work for some time, but I'd rather not. Kids will need money for education and other things. Wasting savings on my weak, maladjusted self just feels wrong. Not to mention that to find another job whenever I am ready will not be easy.

Anyhow, that's where I am, living in my little personal hell.

Post Edited (Yury) : 5/30/2012 9:38:02 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you, Scaredy Cat.

I am looking at the Resource Guide. I also have my next appt tomorrow, my therapist is going to talk about these things as well.

Talking and sharing does help, I know that first hand. I have a history of OCD and I went though the similar motions when I was at my worst about a decade ago. It was a bumpy road, but I did manage to put most of it behind me. Still exhibiting some behaviors that maybe OCD related, but it's mild and probably not as clear cut as back then.

Anyway, I am fairly certain I will get through it, but it's tough now. Being able to keep the job is a big concern. I am going through a roller coaster - I get calmed down and beginning to think it will be ok, but than I stumble on a trigger and it gets bleak again. Ugh...fml.

Anyway, I will be checking back here and thanks again.

Hi Yury

Same here panic attacks in office , since 6 months on and off PTOs during the period , was on the verge of quitting then went for therapy and medication ...trust me on this it makes you feel much better and you can manage your anxiety very well.

I am now able to complete 10hr work day with 3-4 hrs of continuous meeting KT sessions and all.

Bottom-line: you will feel better and will not have to quit :)

Yury,   Welcome to HealingWell, and the Anxiety forum. Here you will find members who will listen. More importantly, here you will find members who will care.   Life is full of challenges. Sometimes situations are beyond our control, and sometimes we create challenges by our own hands. It isn't always easy to face them alone. Sometimes we just need somebody to understand us.   Sometimes we just need a friend. While single stressful events can lead to a problem with anxiety, it is more likely that cummulative stress is responsible for extreme anxiety.  You have been through a lot this past year and I am sorry to read of your Father's death.  That alone is a huge stressor as I know from experience what losing loved ones can do to our anxiety and depression. I do know exactly what you are going through and I am glad you are seeing a therapist.  Please know that you are not alone.   We are all here to support you so keep on talking to us. Kindly, Kitt