Focused Anxiety

A fact of life is that at some point or another, we will always come across someone who not only rubs us the wrong way, makes us angry, or even makes our blood boil at the sight of them. While I'm not saying you're being immature, I can completely relate to your situation.

Where I presently work, I had a supervisor who hated me. I'd like to think that I just annoyed her, but I found out that she did indeed hate me and wanted to make my life here a living Hell. She succeeded. Not only did she make my life a living Hell at work, but she also played favorites with someone on our team and gave her all the promotions/special projects/etc. I grew to hate both her and my supervisor. Seeing them made me sick to my stomach. Being around them made me incredibly nervous because I knew that anything I did (whether it was good or bad) they'd hold it against me.

Eventually, I found that I had a skill which neither of them possessed. I had programming skills. Her friend couldn't duplicate what I did, so I was no longer her competition. My supervisor desperately needed me to create programs for our department, and there was no one else available to do this task. Suddenly, I had the upper hand. From time to time, her friend would get snotty with me and demand I do certain things for her, but eventually that stopped. THEY needed ME. They went from snotty horrible people, to calm and meek little kitty cats.

I eventually got moved to another department placed under a different supervisor where my skills can be better matched, and my project adequately followed. I rarely deal with either one of those women anymore, and I don't get as anxious around them.

Now, I realize that you probably won't be as fortunate as I am. However, that 3 paragraph journey I described above was a 4 year reality for me. I had a range of emotions from trying to ruin them socially, to wanting to kill myself, the list goes on and on.

I found that what helped me the most during that time was when I would feel mad/angry/upset with them, I would write down what I wanted to say to them (or sometimes do to them) on a piece of paper. I would then discard that paper securely. To keep it even more discreet, instead of writing out full sentences and let them be in plain view for whoever was to walk by, I would write my thoughts and feelings by placing the letters one on top of the other so that it just looked like one big inky mess.

Writing about my frustrations as I was going through that moment of anger/ frustration really helped me. If that didn't do it, then I would go to a quiet place (like my car or a bathroom stall) and write a text message to a good friend, or someone I love and trust. I would go nuts with all the thoughts I had and how I felt, etc etc. I wouldn't send the text though because like you, my friends and family grew tired of hearing my rantings.

Other options you have are:

1. Quitting your job

2. Asking to be transferred to another dept/building

3. Talking to the person about why they bother you and establish boundaries

- Be more specific with them than just telling them you want to keep it professional. If you can say to them, "Look, I'm glad I was able to help you find a job, but truthfully, over this time of getting to know you, I'm finding that our personalities just aren't compatible. I can't be friends with you at work, or anywhere else. I'm sorry if this offends you, but if you could please leave me alone, that would be best for the both of us."

(Yes, I realize that's harsh and super rude. But would you rather be rude and be left alone, or nice and be bothered constantly by this person?)

When someone does something "wrong" to us, we feel like they "owe" us something. It sounds like you feel as though she took advantage of you so as to get a job. While we don't know for sure if that is true, you feel betrayed, and for some reason you've let this feeling of annoyance with her grow into something that's out of control. If you can visualize that "debt" of an apology she "owes" you, and without her apologizing to you, release her from that "debt", maybe you'll feel better.

Can you explain why you just can't seem to let go about your feelings of dislike towards this person?

Thank you both for the wonderful advice. I did talk to my manager about setting up a mediated meeting with her and I. I'm not the type of person to stoop down to their level if anyone says something offensive or looks at me in a way that I feel uncomfortable, I just have a flat look on my face. I have mainly held all my feelings in (however in the beginning I was talking to the co-workers I had trusted regarding my issue as no one really liked her during that time). I no longer talk about her to anyone except my therapist whom I see on a weekly basis. I stopped bringing it up to my boyfriend or my friends/family because I kept hearing the same advice of just ignore her, etc... and i didn't want them to get sick of hearing about it.

Gishstar, my ARNP of Psych thinks it's because I may have ADHD. This girl isn't the only one I've obsessed over like this before. However, it was never to this degree where I would have an anxiety attack, mostly I would just get irritated and keep on working, ignoring the person. I think it got this bad because I was the one who referred her to my department and that we were formerly friends. Also, she doesn't get the non-verbal hints of ignoring her, I've heard I would actually have to be direct when addressing issues like this with her. The other people I formerly were annoyed with at work were people that I knew when I started there. Also, I feel as if she used me and that her stories of having financial hardship were just a scam for me to help her out. She seems to be able to buy things from the Avon catalog, have an Iphone 4s and an Ipad and was also able to get a 2nd car and afford the gas to drive 60 miles a day to get to our workplace and back. Now, since she's been working there a year perhaps she's becoming more financially sound. Because in the beginning she was always asking everyone if she could work their shift for them... always wanting more hours and hogging all of the "on-call" opportunities to make more money. She even started selling Mary Kay because she needed more money... Anyway, I can't seem to shake her off because I felt like she lied to me and that I believe she's a con-artist or something. Part of me feels bad because she was in the Army prior to having her 2nd child and she was stationed in Iraq during that time. So maybe I feel guilty about the way I feel about her, that instead of shaking her off and going about my business, the guilt that I feel towards a veteran and the fact that she would always bring up our past friendship as a guilt trip made the anger/hate grow into what it is today.

The funny thing is that everyone else at work loves me and enjoys working with me. In my 11 years of working at 3 different companies, the third being my current job I have always been the fun loving, outgoing, friendly and hard working girl that everyone gets a long with. Lately, especially since she started working with me, that I have gone down the drain. Perhaps my first position at my current company started that downward spiral into my anxiety/depression, but I feel as if she's made it even more worse than it originally was.

If I do get that moderated meeting I was going to let her know that as i got to know her, I became more uncomfortable around her and that our personality differences make us incompatible for friendship at and outside of work. I can't seem to trust her, she just seems sketchy....