Hello from a fellow panic head

I introduced myself in the GERD forum, but I figured I'd introduce myself here since many of you may not go into that forum. I'm Jeff, I'm 28 years old, and I have been dealing with panic and anxiety nearly as long as my memory.

Most amazingly, I didn't discover I had panic disorder until I was 23 years old, after nearly 20 years of intermittent confusion and suffering. Early it started as severe separation anxiety from my mother (so bad that she ended up being an occasional volunteer assistant in my kindergarten class so I wouldn't freak out and upset everyone by getting physically dragged into class each day). It then evolved into what I thought was being constantly sick at night, but in hindsight I now realize the vast majority was nighttime panic attacks, usually on nights before going to school or going out of town. This pattern lasted my entire school life until I went homeschool in 9th grade because I just couldn't maintain attendance. I then became very sedentary and anxious, but with far few panic episodes. I didn't even realize I was anxious, I just thought "I don't want to."

Today I am married to my lovely and understanding wife (she has some anxiety battles herself). I would say what I deal with today most resembles generalized anxiety, but with occasional panic episodes and panic/anxiety related agoraphobia. It isn't 100% debilitating (I managed to make a 200 mile drive out of town with anxiety but no panic) but, for instance, jury duty is a truly traumatic experience for me. I deal with daily dread, and I am hyper-sensitive to bodily symptoms.

That the gist of my story. Nice to meet you all. I hope you all find the path to well being.

Thanks for the reply. Hmm. When you say write the judge, do you mean send a personal letter back with a hardship claim? From all I've heard regarding anxiety disorders, judges will usually require a doctors letter rather than a personal letter. The last time I had to attend jury duty I was uninsured, so I didn't even try. And for whatever reason I didn't tell the judge, possibly because I was nearly paralyzed with anxiety that entire day. I actually ended up questioned for selection, but I got out due to claiming that I don't believe in our justice system and I couldn't handle passing judgement on my own conscience (which is 100% truth). No idea if they'll want me back after that is on public record. For my sanity I certainly hope not.

I'm not on any medications, and I'd really rather keep it that way. I've been far too passive in confronting these lifelong issues, but I do have some tools to cope (for instance, a workbook from a 12 step program that is focused on cognitive behavioral therapy). But someday I may give in to the meds. I've just heard too many bad stories from those meds to want to go down that path.

I don't meditate a lot, but I do it on occasion, and have also tried incorporating a bit of Yoga into my life as well. I just haven't been disciplined in doing either regularly, even though I do think they're both very helpful. I really need to make myself do them more often. These decades of anxiety have left my body with a lot of residual effects like muscle tension, muscle/eye twitching, aches and pains, digestive problems, fatigue, etc.

Thanks for the kind words, Scaredy Cat. I can certainly say CBT has helped me, but not a whole lot to this point. I would say it has helped prevent many panic attacks, but my levels of anxiety are still unruly. I guess that is also my own fault for not being as committed to my workbook program as I should be, but I'm sure you understand how easy avoidance can be in this position. Simple things like getting the car smogged, going grocery shopping, or negotiating with the cable company can have me dwelling and dreading in anxiety everyday for weeks of painful procrastination.

5 years ago, when I first sought help, I attended 6 classes that condensed the 12 chapters of an anxiety/panic workbook into 2 chapters per week (a bit of cheap skating by the medical company). So i have read all of it and understand it all well... in the logical sense. But I haven't made much progress in the cognitive-behavior sense. Many times I don't even know what I'm thinking or worrying about, I just am tense and anxious (sort of a pre-panic state). Other times it is about something specific, which is pretty evident anxiety.

Anyway, I enjoy this community, and I hope to offer as much support as I seek. :) I agree that it is healing in itself to talk with others who understand. Considering two of my best friends have panic and anxiety issues, and my wife battles with her own anxiety issues, I suppose there is a sort of kinship of understanding. But its always important to encourage rather than dwell, don't you think? We can all learn from eachother.

There is a book you might be interested in getting. It is about cbt. It is called "Feeling Good". the new mood therapy (though this book has been around for a long time). It is by a Dr. David Burns. I found it to be very helpful but I read it years ago, like in the 80's. I hope that this helps some...

Hugs, Karen

SC I like that you said "relaxing weekend wishes"...