Anxiety over my college student!!

Hello-all-

Though I probably haven't posted on this board in years, I do check it periodically to see how everyone is doing.  I have had anxiety for years and years, but have managed to keep it under control with therapy and a small dose of medication.

This year has been particularly tough and I find myself in a state of "situational anxiety".  My younger sister was diagnosed with a reoccurrence of breast cancer.  It metastasized throughout her body, but she is doing remarkably well, considering her original prognosis.

Then, during spring semester, my son had to take a leave of absence from college, as he was experiencing some mental issues (depression, etc.) and could not function with the medication that he was put on.

He came home and began seeing a therapist, who finally suggested that he see a psychiatrist.  He seemed to be doing well on a mood stabilizer- he was going to the gym, working part-time, and taking an online course.  At some point, he could no longer concentrate on the online course and had to drop it.  He is still working and going to the gym (and still on his med- which is still gradually being increased)- but he is supposed to return to school in a few weeks.  He says he wants to and needs to go back- but I am so worried about how he will handle even a part-time course load if he could not handle one class.  He will speak to the doctor tomorrow about this (actually he mostly sees the nurse practitioner), but I am so anxious over this decision.  His college allowed a "one-time medical allowance" for the tuition when he took his leave of absence, but they will not do this again.  So if he goes back, I stand to lose a good deal of money if he drops out again.  (My husband has been unemployed for a while-trying desparately to find a full-time job, but only working a temp job now 3 days a week- so money is extremely tight.)  I'm sure I will be worrying about him every day too!! I know that if he gets the doctor's "OK", I must give him the chance to move forward!  He is a bright guy and very social and deserves a chance in life!!

So, how do I get passed this anxiety???!!!!

Hey there, first off....I don't think this is as much anxiety as it is just worrying about real life issues. To me anxiety is when we worry too much about things that don't deserve that much attention. When it comes to the careers and well being of your family, that's a completely normal worry to have. I'm so sorry to hear that your son is struggling with college. A lot of kids go through this though.

Is this your sons first semester in college? Many college students struggle terribly in their first year of college. Also a lot of students struggle with anxiety and depression in their first year away from home. I didn't realize until just last year that my older brother struggled with these problems when he went away to college. He only opened up to me about it when I was going through my bad depression problems about 2 years ago. When it happened to me I was taking college classes as well and was feeling extremely overwhelmed. Here's a few tips that I could give you on behalf of your son that may be able to help steer him in the right direction.

I noticed first and foremost, for me personally anyway, that school became easier when I got into the right school and into the right program. What is your son going to school for? Does he actually like the major? Me and my older brother both did terrible in school until we switched our major. We both went for business management and he wound up switching to go for psychology which he will be graduating next year with his M.D. in and next year I will hopefully be done with my Bachelors in Accounting. Although Accounting is similar to Business classes, my worries with going to school were always what am I going to do career wise? I'm kind of the opposite of your son, I'm much more of an introvert. I never liked the overly sales jobs, communicating a lot, etc. All those kinds of things didn't come easy and didn't feel comfortable for me. I'm just now in the last year starting to do well in college and excelling in these accounting classes because I am able to vision a career after college in a job that I will be comfortable in performing. To me, that's worth more than the huge comission bonuses and what nots of those big sales jobs. Everyone needs to learn what they are good at, and more importantly, what they're comfortable with.

Also, don't let him overburden himself by working and going to school full time. If he struggled with classes before, let him ease back into it a little bit. Maybe take 2 classes this semester and set a small goal of trying to achieve a minimum of a B in both classes. Succeeding in classes can do wonders for your ego. I used to hate classes and think the worst anytime I was receiving my grades from college. These days I look forward to receiving my grades because I know I'm going to receive a high grade.

Hopefully some of this was of some help. I'm in my junior year right now and am willing to help out with any advice you may need. School is TOUGH. It's not easy, everyone makes it seem easy especially when (as a son) parents are EXPECTING you to do so good and you're not able to live up to it. That burden is heavy, and sometimes it's just because you're trying to excel at something that you don't like or aren't interested in.

Thank you both so much for your replies!!  I knew I would find comfort on this board!!

My son is a junior in college- though he lived at home the first 2 years.  He is studying neuropsychology (after starting out in dentistry, then changing to actuarial science, and now neuropsychology).  He says he loves his major (though i think sometimes reading too much about "mental health issues" actually hurts him rather than helps him) and would love to do research eventually.  He did well his fall semester away at college, but had to take a leave of absence in the spring.  I still don't feel completely confident that he has both feet on the ground- but I know I must give him that chance if he feels that he can handle it. 

We did discuss part-time classes as an option- but I don't know if having too much time on his hands may hurt him as well.  (Can you tell I overanalyze everything??!!)  We also discussed transferring to a different school but he says he wants to stay where he is. 

It's also hard because he doesn't open up that much to me or my husband (whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve, and will discuss anything with the world!).  For instance, when he lost 2 friends in car accidents this year, he didn't want to talk about it much. I spoke to him about letting feelings rise to the surface (as I'm sure his doctor did), but he deals with things on a much more inwardly manner than I do.

Well, Mike, I am so happy for you that you have found something you love and are doing well in school (I'm an accountant by the way!).  Keep up the great work!  (And congratulations to your brother too!!)

As a parent, we only want the best for our children- for them to be happy and lead productive lives!!  Sounds like you are well on your way to that!!

 

Envisioning a positive outcome is more than just wishful thinking!

When you think in terms of success for the future...it actually sets you up mentally for doing well,

You and your son can not only save yourselves anxiety by using this technique, but also tip the scales in his favor by setting the scene for succeeding.

Whenever your brain wanders into a worrying state, quickly replace it with images of high marks/grades, passing classes and diplomas.

Even if you have trouble consciously believing in this outcome, it will help if you keep at it...especially for your son!

Wishing you both well.:)

S.C.

I completely understand what you mean when you talk about not setting yourself up for dissapointment...but I have learned this over the years in regards to that and anxiety.

If you allow the anxiety to color your expectations, and the fear becomes a reality...then you have lived through it TWICE!!

However, if you think in the positive...there is a 50/50 chance that it will all turn out well and you have not suffered...on the off chance that things don't turn out well, then you have only had to face it ONCE! :)

I used to think that the phrases 'Stay Positive' or 'Stay in the Moment' were psycho-babble...until I had to use them...and they WORKED! :)

Try not to take on the burden on guilt about your son's anxiety...I also struggle with this a bit as my own daughters both 'inherited' it from me. It is what is is...nature/nurture...a result of a fast-paced, plugged-in world...who knows? What counts is how we support and help them through it, right?

Stay positive momma...everything will work out fine!

S.C.

p.s.  I apoligize if I am coming across 'preachy'...it is not my intention...just sharing some things that have helped me out in tough times.  You can tell me to zip it at any time!;p