I've been a lurker on this forum for months and have received so much good from it. I finally decided to post in hope that my experience may help others. I have had anxiety and ruminating negative OCD for at least 20 years. I don't have any compulsions, per se, but my obsessive thoughts were/are deeply troubling. At first, I simply thought I was going mad and was deathly afraid to talk about
it with anyone as I was afraid of being put away. I finally went to my Dr in 1999 and told him that I was having throat tightness and numbness, tingling in my arms and lightly touched on feeling "out of it". He immediately diagnosed me with GAD as I was young and physically healthy. Giant sigh of relief just from getting diagnosed. I went on Paxil and for 10 years felt 90% better. The other 10% I dealt with as it was completely tolerable. I decided to come off Paxil in 2009, just because. I did well for about
2 1/2 years using deep breathing, CBT techniques I learned from self help books, and etc. I had a very stressful fall last year and I believe that culminated with sliding back into panic, a ramp up in OCD and a newfound depression. I went to my Dr and willingly went back on Paxil. I also went to a therapist during the spring. The Paxil took all of 8-10 weeks to feel significantly better, however, weight gain was significant this go round. Probably does not help that I am now 43 years old and I think peri-menopausal. Decided to try coming off Paxil again in July, weaned over 6 weeks and was off for about
a month. Everything came back full force within that month's time. I believe I am one who will need medication for life along with CBT techniques to help sort out my situation. Back to the doctor and he decided on Zoloft as it is less prone to cause weight gain. So I am 5 weeks on Zoloft and I am seeing the light of day coming back. I share this as I want to let others know that patience with SSRI's is so important and I felt worse before better on both medicines. Hang in there and if one medicine is not quite right for you, keep trying if you feel that medicines will help. As we all know, everyone is different. As for the books that helped me the most, for OCD it is
BrainLock by Jeffrey Schwartz and
Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer. I am studying mindfulness to ease the anxiety and honestly it works. I have come to accept that this is something I will deal with for life and not fight it. I let the anxious feelings "float" around until they are ready to leave. I carry on with whatever I have planned for the day and they can come along or go away, I honestly don't care, but I will not let them rule my life. A few of my mantras are "fake it until you make it", "change your behavior, change your brain", and "it's not me, it's my OCD". I got the last two from
MindLock.
I know how hard this is and it is my hope that your struggles become less and that you find help with therapy or medicine or self-help or a combination of these. Last December I remember walking to my barn at night to feed my horses, I was in a daze from constant panic, fear and depression. I fell to the ground wailing and saying out loud, I cannot live 40 more years like this. By the grace of God, good Drs, medication, support from this site and some great self help books, I am not in that place today.