Posted 10/25/2012 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
I am so familiar with everything you experience/ed. I have been suffering from PA or maybe even PD for almost a year. I feel the anxiety almost every minute and i struggle with my anxious thoughts almost all the time, except when i am really focused on doing something. For me, these months, since my first panic attack have really been difficult, at first i didn't exactly know what my problem was, i thought i had problems with my heart, brain etc. and after a long series of medical tests i was reassured i was ok. This tests really helped me, as my panic attacks were usually triggered by a weird sensation in my body ex my heart started beatting irregular, or i had the sensation of suffocation, but mainly my panic was triggered by the thought of some kind of neurological problem, tumor, or mental health. I know know that i am healthy and i can dismiss every thought that triggers panic attacks. However, just like you, one thing remains and bothers me. I want my old self back and i envy most people who can go to the store, or to a club or whatever and not feel anxious. The fact that i am alone with my struggle makes it very hard to notice any improvements. Same as you, sometimes i really hate myself for not being able to do the most simple things. Sometimes when i am happy i survived a whole day, doing every chore, it's like my own brain starts to sabotage me, and i start to think i shouldn't be happy and pleased with myself for doing what a monkey can. However as the title of your thread says there are good and bad days, and when i have a bad day, i am exhausted and have no resources left to be strong and i feel everything you described. Usually those are the days i give up, and watch a movie, or distract myself doing something i like, like eating icecream, watching a movie etc. I do not think this is the best way to handle anxiety, but when i have a bad day, it's my last resort, and i endulge in it. But there are also good days wheni have the will to acknowledge that my small steps are real acomplishments, and i ACCEPT that i have a condition and think it will in the end only make me stronger. In these days i have the power and courage not to run away and distract myself, but to accept anxiery, and call for panic, in order to make it go away. I belive the key relies in to ACCEPTANCE. You, and I and many others used to feel better, to feel normal, but we don't anymore, it's sad but nonetheless true, and we can either complain, or accept and and move forward. It's almost like accepting others have more wealth, or beauty or whatever. It's normal to feel weak and frustrated with yourself, but always keep in mind that tomorrow you will feel better, and you will be able to face your fears and to acknowledge your acomplishments, but for today, you shouldn't put more pressure on yourself, and allow yourself to sleep, relax, watch a movie and put your mind off your troubles. (sorry for the long message and spelling problems, not native)