Antisocial-Unsocial Comments (Vent)

I'm so angry I could scream!!! I've been keeping all this in and it resulted in many of my anxious reactions.

My counselor asked me why I keep using that word ("Crazy") to describe myself and I told her that it has a lot to do with my experiences at this deeply religious university i'm attending. There's so many drinkers and party goers, to the point where AA meetings are held for those on our campus. I'm not a drinker/party person, always preferred to do things like movies, arts, volunteering, etc NOR am I religious and I hate the way they keep trying to treat us like we're in grade 13. I've always hated that babying and the extent of the group think here on campus. But for the first 2 years I was here, I kept on being called "anti social" and "unsocial" because I didn't want to go party and drink or hang out with a group of people, particularly one female, who just seemed to pick fights with me all the time, belittle me, and then become upset when I stayed away and called me antisocial. What's the point of that?!?

I use to leave campus a lot and go hang out with other people, doing things that I LIKED to do like volunteering, going out to eat with friendly people who didn't try to put me in a box with labels, or who'd go laser tagging or to museums and bike riding and other fun stuff, you know? I seriously am not a party person because all of it feel mindless and I get bored quickly. I use to go with them in the beginning but after a month I was bored of that behavior and wanted something that uplifted my spirit and made me feel happy and not exhausted.

But it hurt me. Because after I finally cut these initial college friends out of my life (the ones who kept calling me anti-social), I was still being called unsocial and anti-social by those on my campus. I didn't party, I didn't drink, and I was always being instructed to tow the line. i was too liberal, too expressive, too blunt, too "loose" and it just drove me crazy! I use to look out and think these people were crazy until my second year of college when I sat and said to myself, "How could it be that an entire group of people are crazy when they all have each other? I obviously must be the crazy one who's clearly too far gone!" That's when I had my panic attack. I was afraid of being seen as "crazy" and "too far gone".

But I'm not...I'm not crazy and I'm not anti-social or unsocial, but the commentary keeps on coming and from different people here on my college campus who didn't know this group. So much so that recently a girl I carpool with said to another friend about a career fair that "She doesn't want to go to the career fair! She wants to do everything herself and not have help from anyone!" That's such BULLcrap! I never said I didn't want to go, was interested, VERY interested in going, and I just feel like these people are talking to me and about me in this way because they want me to be more like them, to act more like them, to wait for them, to spend more time WITH them and because of this they're trying to get to me in whatever way they can.

I'm not shunning friendships at all! But I know that whenever I start getting labelled, those are the people I tend to avoid the most. I'd rather be with people who talk to me as I am and not who they think I am or want me to be. I know what I'm looking for and I'm not willing to have my friends choose me ESPECIALLY if all they ever do when I'm around them is label me and try to put me in a box when all they need to do is just talk to me like an individual.

Sorry for the long post guys. I'm seriously hurting and angry by all of this...

Hey girl. Thanks for your kind words, I'm actually on the verge of crying. I guess what makes this situation so hard for me to deal with is the idea that I could really "belong" in any situation. I figured if I just treated people in the way I wanted to be treated all would go well. I thought it would be reciprocated and it wasn't and it hurt. I was really really really naive. I have an open mind and I'm really welcoming of people and talk to people like individuals and not case studies and I thought that they would open their hearts to me in the way I did with them and that didn't happen. I got labelled as antisocial and unsocial instead and that really caught me at my most vulnerable and off guard.

As it turns out, I can't be "comfortable" and feel accepted and welcomed by others everywhere I go...but I guess I can't beat myself up for trying...and believing.

Post Edited (Soliloquy) : 11/26/2012 1:14:49 PM (GMT-7)