Healing continues

Almost cried in the counselor's office as I told her about my experiences at my university. I tried to force them down. I told her about my experiences there with racism, with hierarchies, isolation, and labels...all things that I had worked so hard to eradicate in my life by being the light I wanted to see in the world. I had gone into my college experience with a lot of idealism and a lot of expectation. But I feel like I was an idiot for being naive. *Sigh*...:/

Now that the emotions I had buried under are beginning to rise to the surface again, I'm starting to remember what it is I had wanted. I look at people and I see people like me. People with potential. But, from the comments they've made to me ("You're not black because you do x,y,z" or "I don't like this professor because they sympathize with minorities") and the treatment I've gotten from some religious officials because I didn't treat them by the robes they wore, I realize they don't see me as I see them.

It's been a really disheartening 3.5 years. But it's almost over. My goal at this point is to come to terms with my experience here so that I can move forward.

Hi Soliloquy,

Seems like you are progressing well in therapy. Getting things out really does help.
I hope things changes for you.

Keep us posted on how things are going...

Take Care

UA

Hey everyone!
Thanks for much for the words and I'm sorry I started this as a new thread when I wanted to add this to my old one. I keep doing that without realizing.

I'm starting to have revelations about myself and about others that I really didn't have at the time I chose to attend this University and that's...a really freeing feeling. During my 3.5 years here I got really self conscious and had a panic attack out of fear of being "too far gone", more gone than I had already thought I was from the reactions people gave me here.

I'm someone who truly sees all of us as equals and as peers (regardless of the roles we've chosen to play in life and the images bestowed upon us) and treats everyone as such. But I realize now that even though I give of myself in that way and do my part, that it doesn't quite mean others will react and treat me in the same, even if my hopes and expectations is that they will. It doesn't meant something's wrong with me or that I'm "crazy" for looking beyond the status quo and the physical to seeing a being with potential like myself. It might just mean that I'm a little bit ahead of my time, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Outside of this University (and even within certain pockets of it), I have made friends and contacts with people but I figured all of that was outside of my "real life" and that these people were as "crazy" as me. Some of them were odd, but not all of them. I feel that many of these people were those who weren't "crazy" at all, but who were also looking beyond the status quo. Visionaries. But some of them longed to be a part of the crowd. I actually remember a friend who started drinking and partying, acting a certain way, and listening to certain songs because, "I want to be like everyone else and just tow the line." So she gave up.

All of that to say, I feel I'm starting to have a better understanding of what is meant when it's said, "Do your part."

Those are some really, really good insights!!! Well done, you.:)

Keep up the good work and instrospecive thinking...you are wise and it is going to help you get through many situations...where the others like you mentioned...will flounder.

Very impressed with you Sol.;)

S.C.

12/5/12

Counselor asked that now that I'm on my way out of college, what my plans were. I told her. She equated it with money and status. I said nothing. just nodded and said "Okay...let's go with that". She asked where people factored in.

My thinking was that they'd be everywhere. I didn't tell her. I asked her to clarify. She meant relationships and marriage. I hate that question. The only people who ever really ask me that are people who are married or wanting to be married. I actually started to get angry and tense. I tried to dance around it, giving every rationalization I could find. My answer was loose. "Sure, if it happens."

She thinks that because I haven't seen too many good marriages in my life that I don't want to be married. But that's not true. I just only talk to her about the bad things in my life. Streamlining for better results was my thinking. But I've seen great and successful marriages, happy people, giving of themselves in a loving way to each other. I don't think marriage is bad. I just don't feel like marriage is for me.

I didn't tell her that though. Personally, I wish that I've had experiences that have made me sit and think, "Hmmm...maybe I could get married." I've certainly played with the idea in my head. Coming home to a man who loves me dearly, holding me, embracing me, we're the best of friends and being in different locations doesn't ruin that love. I've seen that in other couples. They get along so well. I just...marriage sucks for me. The relationships I have been in have been so annoying. The expectations, the feeling like I'm suppose to compromise on things I don't even want to compromise on...I've never met a single person on this earth that I genuinely felt I was compatible with.

I don't want to be married. I can't fathom the idea of a relationship. I find it somewhat annoying when people in relationships spend time after time after time talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends.

But I hate being closed-minded and definitive. I think that's part of the reason why I kept throwing her the statement, "Sure, if it happens" and rationalizing why marriage isn't all that bad. It was my way of trying to deny that I can't imagine being married for real. Unfortunately, now this lady has some ideas of me that aren't quite accurate and that's all because I didn't even bother to correct her. I just let it all be.

*Sigh*...ah well...

Sometimes I flounder too when I have a break. After this week my classes take about a month's hiatus until the Winter/Spring session.

I vacillate between doing everything and nothing! When I don't have a routine and schedule, I have trouble finding middle ground! It sometimes stressed me out.

I am going to try to make plans and goals for each couple of days at least, so that I stay on target, get things done and feel accomplished..but still feel like I have had a break.:)

I hope that you can enjoy your time off as well!

S.C.

p.s. I meant to respond to your last thread and got distracted...just wanted you to know that I think society puts too much pressure (especially on women) to get married.  It is not for everyone, and you should feel confident in doing exactly what feels right to you!!

12/7/12

I know I need to make some commitments this break. I just heard a word while watching a video on BPD that stuck with me. An outlet. I need an outlet, something to help me keep anchored in this world because it's not enough for me to write in my journal. I think that's why even though I've chucked all social networking, I find myself coming back to forums. It's this need I have in me to be a part of something. Yeah, I like being a part of things. It's funny because I use to fantasize about being a nun and living in seclusion in a convent. LOL But I don't think I would enjoy that as much as I imagine. I like talking and communicating and...socializing too much. Especially with new people in new settings.

Told my family I didn't want to get married. I think some of them were disheartened. Not quite what they wanted to hear. But it felt so right to just say it instead of dancing around with this whole, "Sure, if it happens" thing I keep saying. Like, what is that? It's so vague. And that's the other thing I wanted to talk about too...

Vagueness. I think as time went on I started to absorb other people's terminologies and styles of communicating and tried to incorporate it into my own style of speaking. But the word choice is very unclear, very obscure, and not always what I really mean to say. It's just how other people described certain events in their lives, and I'm using it. I told my counselor that marriage is really "abstract" to me. So I can understand why she said, "Yeah, you haven't really seen good marriages in your life." That wasn't what I meant. I saw really good marriages in my life as well as some God awful ones, but what I meant to say (and had I used my own words it might've been clearer) was, "I have thought about marriage and in my head it seems good and ideal, but I can't see marriage as being a real part of my life." I wasn't clear. I want to practice using my own words and style of communication to describe situations again, as opposed to just taking other people's styles of communication and verbiage. I mean, who better to describe me than me, right?

*Sigh*...might take a while, but I'd feel better knowing I got my message across and not feel angry and like a loon if the wrong picture is painted.

If tomorrow were my last,
what would I do differently?
I wouldn't accept the status quo.
I wouldn't give in so easily,
I wouldn't just go with the flow.
But yes, I'd go slow.


"-- Life is too short to worry. Things will take care of themselves
-- Make sure no day goes without kindness to others.
-- Don't go to sleep without expressing your love, gratitude and joy especially to those you love.
-- Be curious. It causes learning and there are and infinite amount of cool things to know.
-- Spend time being present. Absorb everything right to your pores.
-- If you have a dream, pursue it. Now.
-- Engage strangers. Everyone has a fascinating story they really want to share.
-- Laugh. At everything. It makes you feel good.
-- Mend fences if they are in disrepair. It will be part of what you leave behind."

I need to thank God for my blessings daily. And if there was one other thing that I would do differently, it would be that I would show more appreciation to others for the impact they've had in my life.

Scaredy Cat said...
You are really wise to trust your instincts in what your body and mind are telling you to do right now!

If you need to make some changes, slow your pace, get involved in some new projects, ect...then go for it.

Too often we don't listen to the inner voice that is guiding us to do postive things for ourselves!:)

Blessings,

S.C.

Thanks S.C. I'm trying. I'm seriously trying. What happened yesterday really changed the way I see life...

Scaredy Cat said...
I missed that post...I think I can surmise though.

However, if you can take a tragic situation and somehow pull something positive out of it for you and others...you have honored the person for which you are grieving.

S.C.

I just don't get it...and what gets to me the most right now is that I don't feel the feelings I feel I should be feeling. My class is deeply distraught. Everyone was so close to her. But I wasn't. I just knew her for so many years and she was always so...bubbly, welcoming, and well-adjusted. I just...I feel selfish! Here I am sharing how this event has changed me, when I feel like I'm suppose to still be in the stage of denial and depression. I spent all day yesterday in tears of sorrow and anger. But I wake up today feeling like a different person and I keep wondering if it's too soon, if the fact that I don't live on campus in the midst of my grieving peers is what's keeping me from feeling the feelings Im suppose to feel. I don't get it. I feel like I move on too quickly. I'm suppose to be more emotional. I'm not suppose to be so...ready to change my life.

But I promised that I wouldn't bulldoze myself anymore. So I won't.

Tomorrow, I'll be taking up Oprah's idea of writing 5 things I'm grateful for.

Post Edited (Soliloquy) : 12/8/2012 8:09:58 PM (GMT-7)

12/10/12

Today I'm grateful for...
1. Friends
2. Family
3. A Monday morning where I can hear Steve Harvey's strawberry letter
4. God and the mysterious way He comforts a soul
5. Cell phones
______________________________________________________________
Dual Nature Day

Good day yesterday. I had written out a long list of goals, the longest I've ever written, and decided I'd take my time in implementing them. I'd start yesterday and just work on these goals daily. I've been able to reconnect with old friends and family, even schedule some hangouts. I really wanted to. I don't want to keep putting off opening my heart to others. I've denied so many people in my life in the past, either because of shame, or fear, or just pride. But they're all a part of my life and my legacy and the way I've developed. These are all the people I've impacted and who have impacted me.

I cried yesterday. Guilt took me. I knew this person for 3.5 years and never once made an attempt to get to know her. All my tears weren't for the person. I didn't know her so I cried. I felt like I should've. And I felt like He took the wrong person. I wrote in my diary. I wanted to talk to Him again because I wanted to talk to Him and ask if He made a mistake. I had all these plans for my life and it just seemed like none of them came true the way I wanted. I felt like I didn't make an ounce of difference in anyone's life my entire time on this Earth. But...

I rejoined facebook and while waiting for friend acceptance, I decided to read an article I found. In it I found a quote that stuck with me.

"You dream of an ideal life and imagine what it would be like, then get discouraged when it doesn't happen. Or maybe it does happen and you get your dream, but it's disappointing because it's nothing like you thought it would be." - Melanie Biehle

That was my life in a nutshell. That was why I had stopped making plans for my life, why I had stopped taking risks. The pain of having high expectations for one's life and then seeing them dash to the ground was so painful. Too painful. Because these were my dreams and my genuine desires. But they didn't come true and the ones that did were disappointing or anti-climactic at best. I told Him that and cried.

Later that day I got a text message from someone who knew what happened a few days ago. Out of the blue, they said some thing to me that made me realize that maybe I had made a difference. They wanted to talk to me about life. They asked me personally. Then I got a message from my cousin. He said he wanted to hang out with me. He never asked for that in the past. I asked him why. He said he wanted to spend more time with the people he felt truly cared. And then I got a response email from a friend who was thankful I was still around. This pattern continued on for the rest of the day....

I guess...I'm still really hard on myself. It hurts, alot, when you have big dreams for your own life, but then realize that God has other plans for you. I don't know what plan He has for me. But what happened a few days ago made one aspect of that plan very clear. It caused me to shift focus and I realize that people are very important, not just in the big picture, but in the details of life. Good friends are important, and remaining connected to a community is invaluable. I realized that if I can help it, I don't ever want to be in the midst of someone for years and years and not have some idea of who they are and what they stood for. I tried to protect myself from the pain of disappointment all these years, but I had walled myself off from so much more than that. I walled myself off from a wealth of experiences, connection, love, and knowledge.

Post Edited (Soliloquy) : 12/10/2012 8:00:07 AM (GMT-7)

Trying. It's not always easy. Sometimes I want to slip into the old pattern of going off and doing my own thing again. But I'm really trying to be a part of other's world and have them be a part of my own. I know it requires opening myself up again, and I'm trying to force myself to step outside of myself and my usual habits. But not only that but to do so continuously and consistently. At least until I can reach a place where I feel I can honestly look at those around me and say, "I may not know everything about you, but I know something about you."

Taking My Precious Time

I feel like I owe my family a big apology and I want to start off my counseling session next month by doing so...I just don't know how to fill her in on all this stuff when one session a week for 50 minutes just doesn't seem to suffice. lol I mean it does, but it's not suffice to talk about all of LIFE. It's overwhelming. So I'm always streamlining. Note to self: Avoid streamlining if possible.

I'm quitting my job and turning my attention to feeling myself out outside of societal pressure. I think I just got caught up in the rat race...and I'm so glad that I have family who's supportive of my desire to pull away from this program, and to even take some months off for break after school. I felt so guilty of this, even to the point of tears. I didn't want to do that because I felt like I was already taking up enough space as is. But they think I'm being silly for thinking that way and said that I'm doing so much as is in addition to commuting several hours to school and work a day, that I deserve a break.

I guess I already knew that going straight to work was a terrible idea for me. It just seemed expected. I'm not going to look at the statistics anymore. I think who I am and the life I've lead up to this point has shown that in many ways, I defy those. I'm going to be the person I want to be. And that person doesn't want to go straight to work after. I want some time for myself. The break I'm being blessed with will be used to find myself again...