Healing continues

Maybe you could print out some of your posts for her to read? I mean you seem to be getting some really good thoughts and self discoveries out here in your writing. That way you can go in knowing what you want to show her...and knowing what you want to talk about, therefore making the most of your session.:)

I am glad that you are going with your gut and deciding to take the time that you need after you are done with your studies...you have the rest of your life to work!:)

Peace and progress!

S.C.

12/12/12

Today I'm grateful for..
1. Supportive Family
2. Those moments when your resolve is strengthened
3. A journal
4. Good music
5. Friends
___________________________________________________________
Blocking out the Nay-Sayers

I keep reading stories online about new grads in my field not finding jobs. Everyone keeps advising against taking some time off before applying for jobs, that hospitals look less favorably. But I'm exhausted and I really want to take some time to take care of me. I feel thin, hollow, at times empty and at many occasions emotionally numb. There are those moments when I wonder where I went, if I'm still inside of my own body because I can at times just feel like air. I still have thought blocking, those moments where I feel like the words I want to use have to mentally push against a wall in order for me to access and then use them. I just...I think I need to tune out the negativity again. I realize that there are new grads who aren't being hired, but there are also those who are. So, I'm going to try and focus on the bright side while I take care of myself.

Nursing forums, I'm out.

12/13/12
Today I'm thankful for
1. Good conversations
2. Supportive coworkers
3. Team work and friendships
4. Those moments when I get to know someone better and realize I like them more
5. Psychics and Empaths
_____________________________________________________
Life is Messy

I'm starting to feel better. I feel like I made the right decision, that even though I can't see the future for myself, I feel that if I've made this decision from my heart and that this is what I want that I ought to go for it. I certainly feel better knowing I have other's blessing.

Life's messy and irrational. I use to think that if i gave my best in all situations that I'd receive the best in return every time. That's an ideal though. And when that happens, it's certainly something to be thankful for. But it won't happen all the time. Sometimes our best efforts get overlooked and sometimes even the best made plans and intentions go awry and gets misconstrued.

The disappointments in my life feel like they were necessary. They couldn't have gone any other way. I wouldn't have learned. But now I'm committed to my own growth and happiness. Not because I feel I deserve it. I can't feel that way. But because I've found that even after these last 4 years and a series of disappointments and psychological depletion, I still believe in myself and in what I want for my life.

I might not have hard and fast plans or visions on the future, but I don't think I need to. At this point, my commitment is to my happiness, despite the unforeseen disappointments life may throw my way.

Scaredy Cat said...
[img]/community/emoticons/smile.gif[/img] Very wise thoughts and words!! [img]/community/emoticons/smile.gif[/img]
You are mature beyond your years! [img]/community/emoticons/cool.gif[/img]

S.C.

Thank you, S.C.

I'm starting to feel like me again, like I actually have some substance in me and not just hot air.

Being A Friend...

Is hard work and more commitment and time than at times I really want to invest in. Some people seem to do it with ease. I don't know if it's because they love people so much and hanging out so much that they just always make time for social invites and hang outs, or if it's just something they do naturally. But it's really really really work for me.

In just two day, I've cancelled 2 hang outs and had one indirectly cancelled on me (family. What can I say?). I've also had a falling out with a friend who kept saying I was lacking in acceptance, open-mindedness, and tolerance. But he was being asinine and I told him so. I also told him that I had no intentions of cutting him from my life, deleting him from my skype, or even from my facebook. Yes, those thought had crossed my mind on numerous occasions throughout our conversation, but I'm trying very hard not to burn bridges at the first sign of discord. A very difficult thing for me. I'm usually the first one to jump ship, hop on the life boat and take off at the first sign of relationship trouble. I just shut down, shift focus, and try to find a way to get out of the relationship. But, nothing's perfect and relationships are messy. So I'm trying not to burn a bridge if I don't have to. That being said, I don't think he and I can be close. Nor do I really want to be at this time.

This whole friendship thing has become like a project to me. It seems so easy and natural to a lot of people but I don't even really know what it means to be a "real friend". Despite all the "best friends" I've had in the past, all the times when I've gone out of my way, taken a series of abuse (hitting, scratching, being yelled at by emotionally unstable friends), gone to movies, comforted people in their times of need and have them be there for me in return, while in friendships, I still don't really know what it means to be a friend beyond just feeling like this is someone I can be myself with and whose company I enjoy.

Sometimes I feel like this whole "friendship" thing is overrated as my uncle would say. Sometimes I feel like it's just a big waste of time and pretty marketing and that friendship is something you experience when you surround yourself with people with similar goals as you, or around a project. But then I look back at the moments of friendship that I have experienced, and I know that real friendship can be so much deeper than that. And then I wonder if maybe those days of real friendship are way behind me.

This is so emotionally exhausting. Right now, I just don't feel like I can do this.

12/16/12
My Focus Has Always Been on the People

When my counselor asked me where people fit into my life after telling her my interests, she kinda threw me back. I had no idea how to answer. My life has always been about people in some way. Career choice, progression, initial school choice, social networking, travel, all of that and whether or not I liked something was strongly influenced by people. I like places and activities where I meet people I like and get along with. It's not about the buildings or the architecture, the scenery or the history of a place. Successful to me is being able to connect and have a good relationship with the people I meet. And what makes me enjoy a place or an activity is the vibe I get from the people.

Today I was telling my uncle about wanting to move to a place that has a place I'm interested in working. I told him I wanted to check out the place first to see how I feel and how it feels. He began to describe the scenery there, how everything is just flat. I had to laugh. I really didn't care about the "scenery". I wanted to know about the people. Are they diverse? Are they friendly? Are they helpful? Are the racial groups mixing and getting along? Are they deeply religious or more spiritually minded? What about the place I'd like to work? What's the work load? How do those within the hospital treat each other? Are they helpful? Do they work as individuals, independently and independent minded yet positively contributing to a team? Are differences welcomed? Are they growth-oriented and progressive people? Are they open to change and welcoming of newcomers? That's what I look for in a place. That's what I'll have my eye out for if/when I relocate.

I think I realized this morning that in addition to being growth-oriented, I'm also very people-oriented. That's good to know. At least now I know what I'm looking for in an organization and in a place I move to.
________________________________________
Today I'm grateful for...
1. Self realizations
2. A family that always wants me to have the best and gives the best they can
3. A bed- I can't believe how sleepy I am.
4. The ability to scratch things off my goals list
5. Hope

Post Edited (Soliloquy) : 12/16/2012 3:18:29 PM (GMT-7)

12/18/12
Today I'm grateful for...
1. Early morning meditations for the weary lol
2. Loving family
3. That long phase I went through in the past that showed me it's okay to be "on my own"
4. Friends who listen, friends who share
5. Realizations that strengthen one's resolve

12/20/12

Today I'm grateful for...
Mental quiet
God's infinite mercy
second chances
Love
Forgiveness
Friends who never gave up on our friendship.
__________________________________________

Today, I'm happy. Right now, I'm happy. Even though I cannot see a way for me to be with someone that I have finally admitted to myself that I loved and still love, I'm happy that I was at least able to love. I use to think that after a break up, love ceases. But I guess genuine love is stronger than that and I really did love him. I just sucked at showing it. I was so focused on giving and self-preservation. I couldn't grasp the concept of receiving, of surrendering oneself to another, and of unity. I get the feeling that the feeling is mutual but that neither one of us can see a scenario in which it can work for us, so one of us has opted to completely move on.

Since committing myself to slowing down and taking everything one day at a time, my mind has calmed down tremendously. I can actually feel my inner voice again. And to make things even better, I haven't missed a due date or deadline for anything, proof that worry did not facilitate a single process. So, yes. This will be a long term change for me. I can't imagine going back and I do envision a life free of worry.

I'm having a better understanding of what is meant when said, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."

12/28/12

Dear forum,

I'm happy.

My vacation was very good for me and helped me to see more of what I wanted for my life and helped me to realize that I was better able to handle situations that previously, I wasn't able to.

I'll start by saying that I have a greater love and appreciation for my family as my family and that I realized that I would like to stay connected with them. I've found that I can accept their decisions as being their decisions and I've been able to separate the not so pleasant choices they've made with the love I feel for those individuals who have helped shape me into who I am today.

I've decided that after a semester of working long hours, long commutes to and from school and work, and extreme exhaust, that I'm retiring from the rat race. I was in the rat race and didn't even realize the way in which it was affecting my health. I hate it. I love nursing, but I hate the rat race and it occurred to me that it's possible to do what I love without becoming consumed by the lifestyle. When i find a job, it will be somewhere near where I live and the focus will not be on moving up the healthcare ladder.

I realized that at some point I lost sight of my reasons for doing what I was doing. I have no long-winded story about how a nurse changed my life, or how my mother or father is a nurse (no one in my family is a nurse. They're all teachers or in business), no altruism behind my choice, I'm not doing nursing for the betterment of society. I chose this field because I love motion, I love travel, I love interacting with others, and my dream in my younger days was to be somewhat nomadic with healing ability. Nursing was my way of making that dream a reality for me. I lost sight of this and began, instead, to try and be like my peers, I gave into the pressures around me and that was exhausting.

Losing myself, that girl who loves living from her heart, who loves traveling and talking to new people, motion and who wanted to learn a skill, who enjoys being with her family and children, who had this passion for new things and new places...I chucked her for work, work work, career advancement, and prestige. Yeah, I'm ambitious and I've always been ambitious and interested in doing my best work. But that was because I loved doing my best work and if people noticed it was because I put my heart into what i did, not my ego.

While out of the country, I realized that I didn't have a single panic attack or feelings of anxiety and I feel it had to do with a combination of not looking up jobs, not stressing about not having a job, and living in the present moment. I'm not certain what the future holds, but I know I'll get a job at some point. I know that wherever I decide to work next will be a better, wiser decision because I know better, so I'll do better.

My counselor tends to ask for tangible answers so I'll say that now I know that I can't go any and everywhere and expect everyone to like me. I know now that I want a job that's close to where I live and is about a 10 minute commute, that I'd still like to travel and work in other countries, that even though I no longer know where I'll be working when I graduate that my hope is that I'll find somewhere that will be a better fit for me, that I'm willing to relocate and I intend to be smarter about my decision and ask the questions that are of value to me, regardless of how they're perceived. I know that marriage has never been a priority for me but that I am interested in finding a man I feel I can love and who can love me as I am in return. I'll tell her that despite all the bad things I've said about my family while there, I still love them and want to remain in close contact with them.

as a result of all of this, today I'm grateful for
A loving Family
Relaxing vacations
Realizations that come when one least expects it
forgiveness of the mistakes made in the past
Changes- Allowing one to head down a different path than the one they had initially chosen

Post Edited (Soliloquy) : 12/28/2012 9:13:16 AM (GMT-7)

stkitt said...
Soliloquy
You are doing a great job with your journaling and putting it out for others to read is brave of you but validates that you trust us with your feelings. Keep it up.

I am going to post my link to my CaringBridge and I am sad that I have a Caring
Bridge site but I find that writing daily helps me let out my emotions and gives me a daily goal which helps me stay positive.

Of course not everyday is positive but I do look for that silver lining when the clouds roll in.

Here is the link - http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marytobias

I have had anxiety/depression for 30 years and now I have Colon cancer but I will continue to do what works to keep my anxiety under control.

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know"

Kindly,
Kitt

Thank you, st.kitt, for sharing this link.

Your quote, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know", is really hitting me hard today. Maybe I'll write about it sometime in the future. But I do hope that you're doing well and I'll continue to hope that continue to find ways to manage and control your anxiety and your health. (^_^)

I think I need a hiatus. But thank you guys so much for reading and sharing with me. I've appreciated your help, advice and insight. :)

1/2/13

Happy new year stkitt. Happy new years to everyone on this forum. :)

Yesterday I met up with someone I knew for years who hurt me really badly. He had something to tell me. He told me the truth. He left because he cheated by kissing another girl and he didn't know how to tell me. He felt like her really really messed up and he was so sorry. I felt so relieved. I told him that I thought it was because I was a bad girlfriend. But he said he felt like I was a really really good girlfriend.

He called me later again because he said he didn't feel like he got his point across like he wanted and he wanted to tell me that he was so so sorry he messed up, that he knows he messed up because I was a really great girlfriend, that he really wanted to thank me and say that I changed his life for the better. He said I made him into a better person and told me how, that I touched his life, that he knows I want to move and that he knows wherever I go I'll be great and valuable. He said he'll miss me.

I started crying. I was so touched.

He then texted me an hour later to say, "Seeing your face today put a smile on my face. That's all I wanted to say."

He seemed like he was trying to be close to me but was afraid that I didn't want him around. He was behaving like a man who wanted another chance but who knew he didn't deserve it and felt he wouldn't get one. My uncle felt like he wanted to come back and that it's almost inevitable that he would. But how do I feel?

For the last 4 years I searched my soul for a reason as to why he left so abruptly and why he treated me the way he did. the day he ended it, I asked him why, and he said it was because I got boring and he wanted physical contact. He said his friends told him to hurry and do it or else it would only get worse. "It". I thought they meant me or the relationship. He said his sister said I didn't deserve it but that he's telling me this to let me know that this was all his decision. In the four years following, he'd give me these touch and go reactions like one minute he wanted to talk to me the next minute he couldn't get away from me fast enough. I thought he hated me. I felt like horrible. I felt like a failure. I felt like an abuser, I blamed myself for everything.

When he said to me that he felt I was a really really good girlfriend, I didn't take it to heart until I got home. Then I started to reflect. I was still on cloud nine that this man who broke my heart so many years ago, seemed to come at me so strong, seemed to be so remorseful, and said all the things I had wanted to hear him say in my wildest fantasies. "I missed you" "I'll miss you" "You made me into a better person" "You changed my life" "I'm so thankful to you." He sid everything but those two things I had wanted to hear him say and maybe that's why my heart keeps filling in the blanks. He didn't say, "I still love you" and "I want a second chance". I'm glad he didn't say that...yet. Because had he done so, this would've complicated things even more.

For the entire 6 months we were together, I didn't feel like he appreciated me. I felt like I had done all the work. I told him I liked him first, I encouraged us to date, I told him I loved him first. Firsts, firsts, firsts, I felt like I took all the initiative and he appreciated none of it. I felt like he was always on the lookout for something better. He always seemed to be looking for better skin, better hair, better smiles, better clothes, better personality, better social acceptance, better better better. I never felt like to him I was good enough and I wanted to feel like I was good enough. Up until yesterday, he never once truly said thank you. Well once. When i made him a sandwich. But otherwise, he'd rate up other girls and compliment me never.

The other thing was that I never felt secure in our relationship. I always felt in my heart that if I were to be absent for one day, two days, five days, he'd leave. It was like he couldnt' handle any brief moment of distance. In addition to the fact that he just seemed flighty, his seemingly inability to handle any kind of distance made me feel like he couldn't be faithful. I got this feeling when he'd always feel like he HAD to hold my hand when we were in public, or he HAD to hug me or else he felt disconnected, distant, isolated. So when he became a lifeguard and he told me he met this girl who was "EXACTLY what I would be if I were a girl!" I knew I had lost him. This is where the pain really begins.

I KNEW I had lost him. But I tried to CONVINCE myself that if I loved him HARDER he'd be faithful. I lied to myself. I never lie to myself. And that became one of the loneliest times of my life. I always tell my counselor that I don't get lonely when she asks me about friendships. Loneliness and isolation are different to me regardless of what the dictionary says. Loneliness is when I'm saying yes when I want to say no, when I'm going places I don't want to go, when I'm lying to myself. And everyday since that day I really began to lie to myself. "Love him harder" "Be nicer" "be more affectionate". I guess at some point I began to love him more than I loved myself because I felt like I had sold my soul to be with a man who's heart and attention was no longer with me.

So when i came down with mono and was so sick I couldn't eat or leave my house much, I kinda just knew it was over. But I still tried because I still wanted to prove myself wrong. I still wanted to believe that this man could be faithful. And two days before he left for a convention, I asked him what is one thing he'd never tell me and he said, "Our relationship problems". At that point, I knew for sure I was losing the battle against myself. He couldn't be faithful, he was out of the relationship. And when he called me two nights later to tell me it was over, I had to ask if it was that girl. He denied it. He made it seem like it was all my fault.

Even though I know he's sorry. Even though I know he's remorseful, even though I know he knows he messed up. I don't carry any anger towards him, any bitterness or resentment towards him because as far as I'm concerned even though i had hoped otherwise, he did exactly what I felt he would, nothing more, nothing less. I still like him. I like his essence. Despite his flaws, I feel he's a good person.

But right now, now that all of that is cleared up between him and me, I want to work on my relationship with myself. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself right now. I feel so much regret over the way I treated myself, the way I forsook myself for him. I feel like...I feel like I cheated on myself. And I treated myself in the exact same way I felt he treated me. Unappreciatively. Maybe I wasn't secure in my relationship with myself after all of this. Maybe I was on the lookout for something better and I felt he was it. Just as he chased after that girl that ditched him after, I chased after him and he ditched me. I don't know how to go about forgiving myself over this. But I know that I will never, ever do something so silly again. I made a four year long mistake.

I'm so glad he called me a "really really" good girlfriend.
_____________________________________________________________________

Today I'm grateful for...
Friends
Change of perspective
A chance at redemption
Forgiveness
Divine Intervention
Dreams that come true

1/10/13

Today I bought myself a gratitude journal. I bought two, one bigger than the other, just in case the small one wasn't big enough. I want to find at least 10 things I can be thankful for each day and write it down.

about my symptoms...tension headaches. I realized this when my family member complained of excruciating headaches and I remembered what I learned in nursing school. I said, "You have migraines...." and then thought about the other kinds of headaches we'd learned.

My symptoms are that of tension headaches, the most common kind of headaches. The tenseness I feel on my neck and head when I lay down and I'm thinking too much, the feeling of a tight band around my head. Tension headaches. I need to go to a neurologist to confirm it though. i can't just self-diagnose and self-treat. lol But I already know. Knowledge + Self-awareness. Thank God for that.