Racing thoughts / fear I have gone crazy

Hi everyone.

I have this thinking habit which has been disrupting my life for some time now. Its hard to put into words, but I'll do my best. Basically, I would have to describe it as an automatic hijacking of my thoughts. It has sometimes been a tendency for having an irrational fear for the safety of loved ones, or sometimes religious fears, but the most common type is the tendency to think bad thoughts about people who I see or speak to. I would describe it as a FEAR of thinking such thoughts, rather than actually inagining scenarios etc, its like an autmoatic habit.

I experience 'flash' thoughts of panic about this tendency being incurable, and then I have to relive the moment of the thought and check on the exact chain if thoughts that led up to the 'flash' feeling, in order to be sure its just a thought, otherwise I worry that it will make me even worse etc, and if I cant remember the 'flash' - then it will stay in my head for hours or days, not even letting me sleep.

Recently especially, it has progressed very quickly into more of a constant feeling that I have now 'reached the point of no return' in terms of this, and its become hard to imagine going back to my old self and being free of this.

Interestingly, these thought habits usually develop during times of boredom, loss of confidence and loneliness. And when life gets very sociable and party orientated, or when I get in a relationship, it completely disappears without a trace. Even during times of extreme sadness, like when I am getting over a relationship breakup, the tendencies don't exist, but as time goes on and I think about the girl less - the tendency grows back.When boredom and time to think occur, it starts again - small and infrequent at first, but steadily increasing in strength and frequency as the weeks go on.

The problem is that it now seems to be accelerating and I find myself asking will there be a point that I become so used to this that theres no way back from it. I can usually go out with friends etc and I forget about it for a while, but lately I can feel it even when I am having fun.

I did have a turbulent and unfortunate childhood, as well as later on indulging in a lot of drugs, but that was about 5 years ago. I have read a lot of similar articles to my problem and noticed a few similarities in the symptoms etc, but not in terms of some of my tendencies. I cant remember it being worse than how it is at the moment, so I am very worried, which I think is in turn making it worse in itself. Also, everything seems less vivid these days, its hard to enjoy life. I cant tell wether I have these symptoms because I am depressed, or wether I am depressed because I have the symptoms. Any feedback or similarities are welcomed.

Thanks.

Thank for the reply.
Yes I was diagnosed with OCD as a child, but I have always rejected it due to the fact that it only exists during difficult times.
Whenever life gets fun again, it goes away completely, its just that this time - I seem to have developed a constant fear of it not going away, which makes me anxious that it won't go away...
Complex I know...

Good advice and much appreciated.
But I have always been reluctant to seek help for it due to the fact that it might become worse if I did so.
What I mean is that the more of an issue it becomes and the more it is on my mind - the more of a big deal it is and so it seems to have more control over me, but when I do nothing - it USUALLY goes away by itself without me even noticing that it has.

Agreed!

Welcome JLM.:)

I hope that you both (JLM and Joe) can and will do yourselves the great favor of seeking treatment. It was the best gift that I ever gave to myself!

Keep posting with us if you think that it will be of benefit for you and your A/D. We are a supportive group that is here to listen and care.

Talk to you guys soon,

Scaredy Cat