Posted 2/21/2013 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all. After about a week of reading all through these forums, I decided to finally join & seek some support and help.
My background: depression has always run in my family. I am currently 38. Since the age of 22, I have had depression off & on, but has always been situational. Each time I would get on antidepressants & once the situation ironed itself out, I would usually get off of them. I would usually stay on them for anywhere from 9 months to 1.5 years. The last bout of this kind of depression was around 2004. Antidepressants always make me gain weight, but normally this takes around 6 months before I start noticing it. No matter what I do, the weight comes on. I am an active person who normally works out 4-5 days a week (weights & cardio). I also watch my calorie intake, so I knew for sure it was the AD putting on the weight & not me. Normally when I get off the AD, the weight will drop off, too.
That leads me to the new issue in my life: anxiety attacks. I experienced my first anxiety attack back in Nov 12. My husband is former military so we have moved many, many times over the years. I don't know if our latest move brought this on or not. We now live in a very hectic area & I am in a job that I don't like one bit. This is the first time in a long time I've been unhappy with where I live as well as my job. So basically, my first anxiety attack happened after we moved here & I started my job. One day at work I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I literally had to lean over in my chair to get a breath. I made it through the day but once I got home, I told my husband something was very wrong with me & I needed to go to the ER. I went there seriously feeling like I was wearing spanx on my chest. I was terrified. Well, as you all probably know, every test they did came back fine. They did the EKG, took some blood, even did a CT scan with differential (to make sure I didn't have any blood clots as I was on BC at the time). They told me I was having an anxiety attack. I was shocked. They gave me some valium & sent me on my way. I was determined I didn't want to get on medications that I might have a hard time getting off later, so I went to the bookstore & got 2 self-help books for anxiety, went to the vitamin shop & got kava kava & started reading & taking herbs. I started to meditate & within 2 weeks I felt normal again. During those 2 weeks I had problems breathing every day, but every day seemed to get a little better until finally I was back to my old self. So, that was November.
Unfortunately nothing had changed between November & mid-January. When I say that, I mean that we are still living in the same city & I still have the same job I don't like. (Hang in there people, I am only telling you all of this so you can get the full picture)
So mid-January, I decide to get the flu shot for the first time since I was a teen-ager. Now I'm not blaming the flu shot, I only remember that's about the time all this started because they told me "you may be sore & feel like your nodes are swollen for a few days." I remember sometime within a couple of days of that, my right arm pit started to get sore. Not pain, just sore. I kept working out as usual because I didn't really think anything about it at first. Well, 2 weeks pass & the soreness is still there except now it has somewhat spread to my breast area. I start to freak out a little bit. I did the big no-no & googled my symptoms. You can only guess what came up...lymphoma, ALS, MS, breast cancer, etc. Now I am TOTALLY freaked out. I go to the family doctor who I've been using since I got here (actually saw the NP) who gave me a breast exam & felt my nodes in my armpit. She swiftly told me there was nothing there & it was probably a muscle issue. She told me to take aleve & come back for a follow up in 2 weeks. Now hind-sight, I'm thinking maybe she thought I was just having anxiety & that's why she was so....well....cold & abrasive. Either way, I guess I was expecting a little more from her.
Still googling every chance I could, I made an appointment with an OB/GYN. Of course I took the absolute first appointment (next day) & went in. They felt the area & armpit & said they didn't see anything alarming but would send me for a mammo & US just in case. I called the place they sent me & begged to come right over. I went over & had a 3D mammo & US. They saw nothing. Now, by this time you would think I would feel a little bit of relief. I guess I did a little, but not enough to stop my crusade.
A few days go by & I start to become paralyzed by my fear. At this point it was about 4-5 days in to the whole ordeal. I can't manage to go to work, I can barely shower, I can't sleep at night. I am truly terrified. I honestly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I even googled that. I wanted to check myself in to a mental ward because I knew they would give me intense therapy...and also they would be forced to figure out what was wrong with me since I would be in a hospital. I convince my husband to take me to the ER again. This time they do the EKG again (no issues except my stress level of course) & I asked them to do the CBC to check for any types of cancer. They do. It comes back good. At this point, I'm convinced it must be ALS since it didn't seem to be cancer. Still can't sleep, barely eat, feel weak, feel vibrations through my whole body at all times, can't manage to get to work & feeling completely paralyzed from my fears.
I make an appointment with a neurologist. I rush to get there & tell him the story. He does some quick test with his tool & tells me I don't have ALS or MS. He tells me it may be nerve damage from the flu shot or it could be muscular. He orders an EMG & MRI. The EMG was done last Friday & it came back fine. I did the MRI on Tuesday & still waiting for the results to that. EVEN THOUGH I can't imagine at this point that anything TOOO drastic will come out of the MRI, I am stressed about the results & have called my doctor's office twice both yesterday & today to see if the results are done. They probably think I am a crazy lady.
That brings me to where I am today. I am floored about all of this because I've never been a hypocondriac. I have always cared about my health but never really freaked out about it. I don't know where these panic attacks & hypocondria has come from but it scares me really bad. Today I called out again & was paralyzed on the couch all day. Of course scouring the internet to figure out what's wrong. Maybe if the pain would go away, the panic would too...but I highly doubt it. I've been at high alert of anxiety for the past 2 weeks & I don't know how much more I can take. I have thought today about checking myself in to a mental ward (again) because I feel so deflated, hopeless and scared.
The neuro gave me a prescription of Gabapatin that I was afraid to take (seriously, I've never been afraid to take meds before but not suddenly I am afraid I am going to die from them). I finally took one Tuesday night & did not like the effect it gave me. I felt like I was about ready to fall asleep at any given moment & it felt like a buzz (didn't like it).
I went back to the family doc on Monday & saw the doc this time instead of the NP. The doc was very sweet & understanding. She gave me a prescription of Lexipro to get me through the tough time. I told her I didn't want to stay on something & I had used Wellbutrin in the past & that had worked for me. She said Lexipro was easier to get off of than the Wellbutrin. Again, I have been scared to start it because I spent so much time on the internet reading horror stories about getting off of it & weight gain (more the getting off part than the weight gain freaks me out).
I started with a therapist last week. Of course the 1st appointments don't usually get you anywhere. She told me about mindful meditation. It seems to help for the moment but not for more than an hour. My next appointment is tomorrow.
So that's my story. Now my questions are: will I ever stop this? Does anyone have any experience with lexipro? Should I check myself in to a mental ward to get this all done at once & finally figure out what is really going on with my armpit/chest area? Is CBT different from seeing a therapist? What else can I do to help myself? I am so desperate. I know my problems don't seem all that bad & I guess for someone who doesn't have mental illness in their past it might not be. I just feel like I'm drowning over here & like I'm all alone. My husband is very supportive, but he doesn't understand mental illness at all. Please someone, where do I go from here??
JS