Rough time still

Hi guys,

Still having a rough go at it lately. I bounced back decently after last weekends embarrassing events. I don't know why I can't just let things go like I used to back when I was younger, now I worry so much about what I did and how bad it was. It's scary that I still don't remember anything from last saturday night though. I somehow got home from that bar and was drunk dialing so many people but have no idea why, when, or how I did any of it since I blacked out. The anxiety is so unreal the day or two after drinking as well. I called out sick Monday to try and gather myself and although I felt guilty about it I think it was the smart thing to do because I went back to work Tuesday in a better frame of mind.

I went out again this Friday with some friends but I made some adjustments. The major adjustment was I switched from liquor back to beer and the other was I was really making it a priority to monitor my drinking. One thing bothered me though....

A good friend of mine was asking me how I was doing. I used to be very open with my friends in the past with my struggles with anxiety. When I was at my worst like 2-3 years ago I was very open with this one friend in particular. He knew exactly how I was feeling when I was at my lowest and was there for me. He actually went through an even worse situation then me. When we were younger he lost his mother and father both to cancer when he was 20 or 21 yrs old. He brought it up last night for a little bit when he was asking me how I was doing. He said he appreciated it so much how I was there for him during that time and reassured me that I could still talk to him about this stuff if I'm still going through it.

I really appreciated what he said and he's an awesome friend. I just can't talk about it. Nobody will understand it and it just makes me look like a crazy ******. How do I explain that I feel like I'm not here sometimes? How do I explain that I lie in bed for hours feeling bad for myself? How do I explain that I countdown the minutes at night until I can go to sleep and go to work the next day. The only enjoyment I really get lately is from work. For some odd reason it's the only thing that I'm really happy about. The reason why he started asking how I was doing he said was because I haven't been returning his calls or going out like I used to. This is half true that it was because I've been stressed and depressed, but the other part is I have really been trying to stay away from drinking. He doesn't force me to drink, but it's just hard to be around my friends and not drink if that makes any sense?

I don't know, I just feel like I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. I wonder when all these pointless problems will go away and I'll just feel confident in myself again. I felt that way once before all these problems, I have to be able to get that back eventually right?

I believe you can!

I have a love/hate relationship myself with drinking. Just a month ago I made a decision to just stop. I was successful until my babies Bday I decided to have one glass of wine. And if course i had guilt the next day. A couple of days later I had my first huge attack.

Alcohol helps to relieve stress. But what if it is the stress? I carry tremendous guilt afterwards. And I don't do anything crazy. I guess at some point we outgrow it.

I recently read something about anxiety/panic that its your mind/body trying to tell you to change something. I truly believe that. I don't know if you can relate but I'm going through a lot of mental/emotional/spiritual changes and going through whatever this is right now feels like a war raging behind me.

Please talk to your friend! It's wonderful to have someone who understand what you've been through. Not to mention who'll remind you how to relax. Mention to him that you want to stop drinking. You might be surprised at what he says.

Being sober is great you experience life in a clear way. I hope you find rest.

tell your friends that you are a man and made a decision to not drink. they will taunt you, they will tease you. so be it. it comes with the territory. in the end if they are really grown up adults, they will respect you more for sticking to your principles and you will respect yourself more. the older you get and the more you mature, the more you realize within yourself that others opinions on some things don't count.

i've been in situations where i probably insulted the host for not having a drink with them. that's their problem, not mine. i'm simply not going to have a drink to pacify anyone. love me or hate me, i am what i am for my reasons and i'm comfortable with myself.

Here's the thing son, a real friend will not make you feel awkard or out of place, when I first started trying to quit I was still young also, I would go to the bar and get the bartender asside and tell him, no
matter what I order you give me a gingerale on ice with a twist of lemon. It was kinda fun for about a year then I started noticing my friends were not articulating too good after about four rounds, it kinda changed the way I felt about the social thing. Your desire to not drink and think about more important things is also called maturity!
Your comming around.
Larry

Mike, your making excellent choices, trust your gut feelings.
I use to do what you are describing more in the beginning than now, actually I havent done that in years but it is a weard feeling, happened to me more when looking into a mirror, I would get to the point I didnt recognize myself, I think that I really didnt like the person I had become, somehow the bad guy was in the mirror and I still had feelings, cared for others, loved, laughed, etc.
The guy in the mirror was, I really hate to revisit this but it might help one person so here gos.
At the age of 18 10 days out of HS I joined the Army, went through basic, AIT, jump school, Ranger Training, was assighed to a base and set on my azz and never got out of the US. Received my discharge and joined a foreign milititary service for money, Went to Rodesia and was assigned to a unit composed of French Foreigh Leigioners, British Paratroops, even a few Russians, they were a very tough bunch, well I tried to be meaner than they were, no I didnt get there but I did get my azz shot trying, not a bad wound but enough to be sent home, couldnt find work and joined the Navy River Warfare Group was assigned to a PBR I did many things that were not necessary, I want to leave it at that, you can immagine the things that can happen you are a man, we are capable of horriable things. After I was discharged from Corpus Christi Naval Hospital I move up to Dallas/Fort Worth and found work, My VA doctor called what I was doing with the mirror "dissasociation" I couldnt accept that I could do the things I had done, so I didnt like the man in the mirror, he was really rotin to the core, and Larry was a country boy a church goer someone who had good manners, I didnt start having the anxity for several years, Mike I stayed drunk, I didnt look it I didnt slur woards, stager, I was a functional drunk. I am proud of your decisions to quit,
if alcahol was invented today it would be a controled substance. Live clean, live long, Love God!
Larry