First time on here, severe health anxiety

Hello everyone,

I have been reading the posts on this forum for the past week or so and I think I have found a new home, lol. I have been suffering from health anxiety/depression for the past 6 years. I can remember vividly how it started.

A former coworker and I were both pregnant at the same time. We had become best friends, and we were both having daughters that were due within a couple of weeks together. It was her first pregnancy and my second. Long story short, two weeks after the birth her daughter died. I already had had my daughter and she was healthy. It was a major guilt trip. You start questioning why things happen the way they due. Never the less, I ended up in the emergency room. My blood pressure was 181/111. I still remember those numbers to this day. I had never had any health issues. Normally after giving birth you lose a lot of weight within 24-48 hours from the water leaving. Well I had retained my water and was very swollen. My heart rate was in the 40s and I remember thinking and saying, Please God don't let me die, I just had my baby girl.

Apparently I was the second woman who had come in that week for the same problem. The doctor at the emergency room was great. And everything returned to a new normalcy. I say new because after that I was never the same. I remember I started having twitches, then my left leg felt disjointed. It felt off. I would have piercing pain on the left side of head. It felt like electrical shocks were running through, I could physically feel them. I also started freaking out about my daughter. I started to worry about her health when there was no need to worry. Now mind you, I was never a danger to her but after my friend's infant daughter passed, I was freaking out. I started going to the doctor very every little bump, pain or whatever I could think of that was affecting my body.

I saw a neurologist back in 2007 or 2008?? I had a full MRI of my spine and brain. Everything was cleared. I was thinking at the time that I had MS. I finally broke down at my doctor's office. I couldn't understand why I was this way, and what had happened. I remember her sitting there and she said "I was waiting for you to come to me and realize what was going on" I looked at her and was mad. I thought why the in the world did you not help me either. But then I realized she wanted me to have that epiphany. And I did. I was put on Paxil CR 25 mg, and Xanax prn. I was on Paxil and I got better. The doctor visits decreased. I eventually went through a divorce. I was in a car accident in 2009 and was banged up pretty good on my left side. No broken bones but very deep bruising in my left thigh where the door jammed.

I had a CT scan done in the emergency room and everything was good, I had a mild concussion. Eventually things started improving, I healed, and I was eventually tapered off the Paxil CR. I was doing great. Losing weight, I had gone back to school to finish my degree. Then in January 2012, I suffered a nervous breakdown. It started when I was twitching very badly after exercising one day. My left leg felt off (again). It then moved to my right leg. Back and forth. I started having twitches all over my body. I was shaking. I went to the doctor's office and was literally shaking. She prescribed an anti-anxiety drug but when I took it the first time, I felt it take effect and almost passed out. I was standing in the kitchen so dizzy that the world was starting to tip over. I kept taking it (thinking I would get used to it) and I didn't. I went back and begged to be put back on Paxil CR again. She did and then I started crying like crazy.

My cousin's wife was diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma. She is cancer free. Very treatable. But what scared me even more was she is only about a year or two older than me. I am 32. I started worrying that every little symptom was a sign of something bigger. I am still on Paxil CR but I hate it. I don't want to be on it. However I know that I am not doing to well right now. Everyday is a challenge for me. I have constant headaches, migraines. Today at work my right hand went numb and tingling and then I developed a migraine or tension headache on my right side of my head. I automatically thought that I have brain cancer. I also get pain in my upper chest that wraps around under my armpit. So I have convinced myself that I have either lung or breast cancer.

I work in the medical field, which doesn't help at all. Google has not been my best friend. I get splinter hemorraghes in my fingernails. Now I had googled it and then convinced myself that I was I having heart issues which then sent me to the emergency room. I was in tears because I was so embarrassed. I knew better but my mind wouldn't allow me to see that. This happened last August.

I had a severe panic attack a couple of weeks ago and I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest muscles were squeezing and it hurt to breath. I took a full Xanax (normally I take only a half) and went to happy land for a while.

I am afraid to go to my doctor. She has been my doctor for over ten years but sometimes I want to get a second opinion. I want someone else to tell me that I am not dying of cancer. I want someone to take me seriously. To tell me when should I come in. Should I seek the opinion of a second doctor. I know last year I had a full vitals done and my blood work was great. I am overweight, but my glucose level (non-fasting) was in the normal range. I have great blood pressure. I just need to make the muffin top I have a non-muffin top.

Needless to say. I am a constant worry wart. I am almost done with school. I am raising two great kids but this constant worry about my health feels like I am making it worse. I want to get off the Paxil. But would that be wise?

Thanks reading/listening. :)

Pelican, I read over your whole post and one thing that kept coming to mind over and over again was, you are under a TON of stress, I posted a link this morning that explains about stress and what it will do over time to your body and cause anxiety/health anxiety/panic. If your doc's are ruling everything out and all your tests are coming back great, I would think it's safe to say you are fine and are experiencing the side effects of stress, you may not even feel that anything is causing any more stress than normal, or you may think it's not an excessive amount and you can deal with it, but I speak from experience, stress is almost.. like an invisible cloud over your head, I don't know how to explain it, I'm not always good at words, but the only way I can think to say it is, you may not always feel it strongly, you may not know it's there, but it is, your doctor will say "you have stress" and you will go home and think he/she is nuts and you aren't stressed out at all, thinking "nothing has happened recently, I can handle this" but it can affect you and accumulate over time, your divorce, having a child, TWO children a close friend who lost her infant baby etc. that all adds up, and BOOM, you start to have side effects that you think are the worst possible scenarios, cancer, blood clots, hemorrhages, stroke, heart problems etc. and it will totally feel like it is something serious, or you go to the E.R. they run tests and they come back fine, and you get some relief for a bit, then a week, month, year goes by and a new tingle/sensation/pain shows up and you instantly think OKAY this is it this time, NOW it's real, it didn't feel that way last time, and you will even think that the last time you had a feeling there, it wasn't as bad as this new one, and you will do cartwheel's all the way to the E.R. or doc again saying "okay, help me, something is really wrong this time" and those tests come back okay.

Believe me when I say this, stress has a huge impact on our bodies and will mimic things, cause muscle tensions that mimic things, cause us to get ill more often from bringing down our immune system, cause inflammation, twitching etc. it's crazy what it can do.

My advice is, try anything that helps you calm down, meditation, breathing exercises, get PHYSICAL exercise to get/keep your hormone levels in order, and to feel better about yourself, eat well, and sometimes when our bodies are really out of whack and order, it can take up to a year to get better, but don't let that discourage you, if you can stick it out, you will feel better in the long run and overall it WILL improve your health, and that in turn, will make you worry less.

Keep your chin up, we're all in this crazy boat ride with you sister.

-Jess

Thanks for the responses :)
I have been on Paxil since January of last year. My doctor likes the fact that I am aware of what's going on with myself and that I can work through it. I would like to take therapy but there is a question of time. I have to take my daughter to speech therapy once a week and that cuts into my time. Are they any therapists that see patients on weekends? Or I guess the better question is: is it common?

It's funny that you mentioned stress Jessie, because I am under a lot of stress. It always seems like I am having to battle something or deal with something. Then, for example, my dad doesn't understand why I want to lay down on the couch and veg out for part of the day. It's because I am so tired and I am always in recovery mode.