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Depersonalization/derealization

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Posted 4/6/2013 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I seriously need some help if anyone has ever experienced this!

 
So lately I have had severe anxiety. I've suffered my whole life from anxiety, and it runs in my family, as well as depression. I am also 35 weeks pregnant and I am so scared that this won't go away before the baby comes. I have been doing so good without anxiety for the past year and a half or so and just as my last trimester approached, I had had recurring anxiety and panic attacks.

It started when we went to Hawaii when I was 26 weeks pregnant. I always get anxiety when I go away from home. While I was there I had bleeding which started my whole anxiety. I had a panic attack about our plane crashing, about bleeding, etc everyday after that. Since I've been home, it's been gradual. Now I'm starting to have it severe.

The other day I started feeling unreal. The first time I ever experienced this was a few years ago when I had bad anxiety and huge changes in my life coming up which is the only thing I can think of that is causing this now with a new baby coming, graduating college, looking for a job, moving, etc. So anyways, I feel like something is wrong with me.

As I go throughout my day, I can feel this weird feeling in the back of my head. Sometimes my "inner voice" or thoughts in my head won't shut up and I have a constant song playing in my head. I start to panic like what if I have a mental disorder or I'm schizophrenic!? My therapist told me this is just anxiety.

So I wakeup in the morning with this annoying feeling in my head all day telling me that I'm not normal, like it prevents me from enjoying my day. It's there constantly.

It started When my boyfriend left for work this morning, whenever I am by myself I seem to get "stuck" in my own head and start to work myself up to a panic attack. I took a shower and when I got out, I started feeling really weird, like I wasn't "me." I felt like my thoughts started becoming distant in my head but still continuous. I couldn't focus, my heart started beating fast, I said "stop" out loud like my therapist said to do to calm myself of anxious thoughts and I felt like those words didnt even come out of my mouth.. It was like everything was in slow motion. Like my body movements weren't mine.

I started to panic and get dizzy. I rushed to the couch and laid down and cried and started freaking out. I wish I could feel REAL and Connect with this world. I got really tired after my panic attack and laid down. I feel like I'm a vegetable and my brain doesn't even want to work anymore. My mind keeps telling me I'm crazy, that I could have some serious doses dr that is eating away at my brain, etc. I'm so scared. I just want this to go away. I'm scared I will have this when my baby comes and that I won't be able to connect with her or take care of her because what if this happens!? I can barely help myself right now.. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Anyone else ever have this? I feel like I'm in a dream. Like all I look forward to is going to bed at night, hoping it will bring some relief

<edit>  I broke up your post into paragraphs for easier reading :-)

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/8/2013 1:44:33 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/6/2013 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
hey soccer13109
i hope that you are feeling better today. I know what you are talking about, the first time i came down with panic attacks i felt the same way, as if i was living in a dream, it is really scary. i use to get it practically every day for the first year, it has been almost two years since i started having panic attacks, but i dont get them so often now. every now and then i feel a little derealization, my skin stings, my head feels giddy or if things walking up and down inside my head, but i know what it is so i just keep telling myself its the anxiety, i relax and within ten or fifteen minutes it passes. try your best to relax, when u feel it coming on or having uncontrollable thoughts call a friend and talk, that always helps me. Most of all pray, breathe a word of prayer it really helps, knowing that we have someone stronger than us to fight for us. anxiety is a scary disease and its real, as i am writing this i can feel my skin begin to sting, i had a small attack earlier in the day, and it always leaves me feeling jittery, anxious and tired. I am not giving into it. Be strong and know that you are not alone, i am praying for you.
Posted 4/6/2013 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
I get the same way. It feels to me like I am on the outside looking in -- like watching things from a different point of view. Hard to explain, but yes, it's horrible. And I also can't get words out during panic attacks (I started a thread earlier in the week about that). My mind goes blank except for the panic and I am frozen in the moment. It's all very wrong. HATE THIS!
Posted 4/7/2013 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Soccer and welcome!

I am sorry to hear that you are having increased anxiety at this time.:(

I did not have anxiety/panic until after my children were born... but I can imagine that it is difficult. Increased anxiety around hormonal times in our life is common, so this may very well be a temporary thing.

It is great that you have a good therapist, who can monitor you during this time, and during the postpartum period, as the next few weeks could be a challenge...but with help you will get through them.:)

Are you currently doing daily breathing, relaxation, meditation or yoga? These are all great stress busters.

If you need some ideas as far as self-help goes, take a look in our Resource Guide (main page, 1st post) It is full of great stuff!

Keep posting here with us as well. We have seen a lot of mommas through their pregnancies, and they have all been just fine!:)

Talk to you soon,

Scaredy Cat
Posted 4/7/2013 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
Depersonalization/derealization Is very scary as it makes us feel disconnected and out of control because we can't quite get the right feeling.

It's just (and I say just lightly) another symptom of anxiety.  It's temporary, often brief..so long as we don't buy into it.

Posted 4/7/2013 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone, I'm glad to know others have felt this way. It seems like when I describe this to people I know, they don't seem to understand. I know the depersonalization/derealization is temporary and same with a panic attack but after it fades, I constantly have a dreaded feeling in the back of my mind that its going to happen again. It seems like its so subconscious that I can't even tell the thought to shut up. I feel like I have something wrong with me. That's all I can really describe:/ I had my baby shower today and had a panic attack before leaving for it. I am afraid of situations because I feel I'm going to panic and won't be able to handle it in front of people or a place I'm unfamiliar. I just get so overwhelmed that I can't escape.. It's like I'm afraid of myself too. I got this today when my boyfriend left like I said and I was alone. I'm afraid to be alone and go crazy! I keep wondering why me? Why do I feel this way? I get upset that I can't enjoy things like my baby shower today. I feel disconnected from conversations and people as well as my environment. The thing that bothers me most is this feeling in the back of my head all day. The derealization may fade and I'll feel more real except I just have this "feeling" in my mind all day. I can't describe it. Am I crazy? I'm terrified that maybe I have a mental disorder or something. I've felt like this before in my life and was anxiety free for a year or two. I just can't describe this feeling of dread inside my body and head all day long like its preventing me from enjoying my life. I feel like life is passing me by and I can't enjoy it:( I hate this. I just want to feel normal again. I want this feeling to go away. I look back on how I used to be able to enjoy social gatherings and all this fun stuff just a few moths ago and wonder what the heck happened since then? I think I must have gotten a brain infection or have done something. No one seems to understand this "feeling" I describe. Even wen I'm feeling real, I have this scary feeling all day. And I'm afraid of going back into not feeling real. When I have panic attacks I feel like it will only take a little to set me off and put me in a mental institution. :(
Posted 4/7/2013 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
Try to remeber that you have felt this way before, and gotten through it.

You felt better for awhile, before this anxiety returned...and you can get back to that good place again. (even if it feels otherwise, you can!)

Keep using your skills that you have learned that have helped you in the past. And remember there may be new ones that you can try in our Resource Guide...or by getting some self-help books from your library or amazon.

Using a positive mantra is also really effective. The words that we say to ourselves have power, and if we can change our thinking patterns, that goes a long way in stopping anxiety.

Try repeating something like:

"I am okay...this is only anxiety making me feel this way, and I can beat it!"

Be patient with yourself and the process. Stay in the present, and try not to worry about what will happen in the future. You are reaching out and working on your issue...things are going to be fine.;)

S.C.
Posted 4/7/2013 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Has anyone ever felt like they're okay on the outside but not inside your head? I'm trying to describe this to my mom. I feel like no one understands. I know it is anxiety but anxiety always makes me feel as if this time it's something different, something serious. I feel like part if my brain isn't working correctly. I can talk in conversations but its more robotic because my head feels huge and spacey and empty inside with distant thoughts I can't quite grasp. Maybe it's also worse because of the hormones from being pregnant? My doctor said anxiety can get worse in pregnancy for those who suffered it before
Posted 4/7/2013 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
My oldest Daughter has had anxiety most of Her life, when she was pregnant it got worse because she
couldn't take her meds, during her first delivery I was there and she was a basket case, then she just
became very calm, had the baby without any kind of meds, she has used ativan as needed and most of
her anxiety has passed, she is now 45 year old beautiful Mother of two boys and one girl and working full
time.
You will also get past this, just begin to use the tools our Moderators give you,
I will pray for you and the baby!

Larry ***
Posted 4/8/2013 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I *really* empathise with you especially as I have had anxiety/panic disorder for many years and all the way through many of my pregnancies.

Firstly, have you had the bleeding checked out? Do they know what is causing the bleeding?

I am not at all surprised you're feeling anxious and it can heighten in pregnancy you're absolutely right.

You may find distracting yourself helps, or/and repeating 'I'm okay, I'm fine' over and over.

There are some gentle herbs which are safe for pregnancy like nettles, raspberry leaf etc which will relax you. I had a special tea made for me by my medical herbalist of rose, nettles, chammomile etc, it was very calming.

I will pray for you and your unborn baby, may God keep you both safe.

LP
Posted 4/9/2013 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Socker
The fear of our next PAD attack can become a trigger for the next one, please use the resources to build
up your resistance and therapy of almost any kind will normally help!

Everyone here understands, "do we ever".

Larry ***
Posted 4/9/2013 2:11 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone,
I am on blood thinners and have to e throughout my pregnancy because I have a blood clotting factor so it's preventative just while I'm pregnant. I have bleeding as a side effect an have been to the hospital many times for bleeding, they do ultrasounds and check me out and send me home because everything is fine and I just bleed easily I guess. So today I felt better... Of course I had to ruin this by questioning where the anxiety went. I felt better physically but inside my head I kept feeling like I was going insane. My new fear today was that I didn't recognize myself.. I would look back on something I said or did just earlier today and then convince myself that wasn't real or it feels like that happened so so long ago or never at all. I'm driving myself crazy and I'm almost afraid of myself and why I feel good one second and not the next. I think part of that is the pregnancy hormones with the mood swings but I just can't seem to shake the mental stuff. Especially this new feeling of my kind constantly analyzing itself. I think of eating dinner just ten minutes ago and it feels like ages ago or if it was a dream and makes me question reality, etc. I'm making myself sick mentally :( I have been on a roller coaster today, one second feeling hope again and then next second sinking back again. I just feel like I'm all alone here and stuck in this limbo. Thank you everyone for your prayers, I need all the help and advice I can get!
Posted 4/9/2013 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
What you described in your post pretty much nails the D/P D/R on the head!

Add to that the fact that your symptoms are transient...and you can be rest assured that you are dealing with what is a heightened sense of anxiety at this time...most likely due to the physical, mental and emotional changes during pregnancy.

Try to set aside at least 10 minutes, three times a day to do some breathing and relaxation exercises. They will help to bring down your overall stress levels, as well as reduce your symptoms...which helps to break the anxiety=symptoms=more anxiety cycle.:)

Keep posting, we are here to listen.

S.C.
Posted 4/9/2013 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
Can anxiety make you afraid of yourself ? Lately I have been feeling afraid to look in the mirror or afraid I am someone else. I don't recognize.. It seems like I'll get silly fear over just getting up and getting dressed in the morning, or to go to the mailbox or go out. It's kind of ridiculous. My mind doesn't shut off and all I want to do is asleep and escape. I feel like sometimes it's almost an "air hunger" where I just feel the need to get somewhere else except I don't know where I want to be to make me feel better.
Posted 4/9/2013 5:54 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah these are all familiar...

Take a look at this link. It is the most comprehensive list I have seen of anxiety symptoms.

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml

It can be reassuring to know that what you are experiencing is indeed an anxiety symptom that has been documented.

Remember your coping exercises!!:) You are going to be allright...even if it doesn't feel that way. Keep telling yourself:

"I am okay, this is just anxiety making me feel this way."

Hang in there, we are here to support you.

S.C.

Posted 4/9/2013 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much! I read that list of symptoms and was like wow... I experience tons of these ! Took the words right out of my mouth. Of course I'm going to have this come and go and maybe medication will help me but I just hope I can convince myself that this is just anxiety and I am not crazy. Anxiety seems to play tricky games always convincing you that this isn't the case this time. Feels so real it's so convincing
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