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I hate living like this

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Posted 4/29/2013 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks kitt ill try but when I get on that track I don't think I can stop myself from atleast thinking about it but ill try my
Best. One thing I worry about though is keeping up with the crowd because I don't want anyone including my friends to know that I have anxiety and that I have a problem. That's always been an issue of mine when I'm at school which is why I feel uncomfortable when I go to school because there are so many people there and I don't want to be the guy that stands out of the crowd.
Posted 4/29/2013 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
stkitt-so right. I have anticipatory anxiety-always thinking of the `what if scenarios`. Im a horror writer now-lol-and my mind can take a nice normal event and I start thinking catastrophically.

Jocipher-whats the fear you are anticipating with the run. looking foolish if you fall out, vomiting, etc. Been there too in the military. Try to establish exactly what is frightening you. For yrs I was just afraid-it was a general fear, until I picked it apart and discovered the real fear behind it.

And a huge good luck-try to have fun on the run. Running sucks by the way-to me lol Let us know how it goes. Rooting for ya.
Posted 4/29/2013 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah I always think castastrophically as well when I feel some weird sensation I always think the worst and of what will happen to me. And I guess that I am thinking like this in regards towards the run.
Posted 4/29/2013 10:13 AM (GMT 0)
I had a full blown panic attack last Saturday raising my BP to 160/91 and pulse rate to 140 bpm and stayed like that for 10 mins! Like you I also hate feeling like this since I only had this weird stuffs which started happening to me only this January. I just wanted them to end in an instant. I became more of a health anxiety sufferer, I got new things that I never felt before like:

lot of skipped beats (fearing it will stop anytime)

head tensions (thinking I have damaged nerves at my temporal area that will rupture anytime)

headaches (brain tumor, dead brain tissues)

a lot of neck pains sometimes getting sore (thinking there are lots of cholesterol or blood clots that will eventually lead to blockage)

blood pressure spikes (fearing I would end up having a stroke, or kidney failure causing this)

Visual disturbances: dot-like stars, visual migraines, flashing lights and flickering dark areas (fearing brain not functioning well, have restricted blood flow or oxygen)

Dizzy spells (abnormal blood circulation)

Pulsating sensation in the abdomen (abdominal aortic aneurysm)

Irregular bowel frequency (stomach cancer)

Panic attack (thought I was about to die or having a stroke)

Spaced out, can't focus & concentrate (thought I was already losing my mind)


At first I don't know anything about anxiety and ended up googling all my symptoms and connected all serious health diseases with what I felt. The reason I did this because I don't have enough money to get medical tests to rule out any serious health condition. But all I did was wrong, my anxiety only grew stronger and made me feel more terrible. Now that I started to learn about anxiety and found people here who also have these symptoms and made me feel that I'm not alone and stronger. I also started to have more GOOD days than bad days. I'm still in the process of ignoring these negative thoughts and stop doing actions that adds to my anxiety like checking my BP every 30mins or 1hr and thinking of absurd thoughts that may happen to me. It helps sharing my story here and people here gives me comfort big time! They listen and gives you advice. Now I'm currently dealing with the visual disturbances I still have, doing my best to ignore them cause they're just so annoying. I used to have a lot of chest pains before but now they don't happen often anymore. I was also able to go out with my wife and enjoy the day without having a panic attack yesterday.

I hope we all get better jocipher. Let's not count the bad times we're having, instead let's make the bad times count every extra single second, minute, hour and day God has given us. Let's be thankful for it and do our best not to live in our own fears, drowning ourselves with negative thoughts. Indulging these unhealthy things only makes us feel more unhealthy.

Post Edited (Jojanxiety) : 4/29/2013 6:24:02 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/29/2013 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
I'm starting to have that mind shift to accepting anxiety but I still have those thoughts in the back of my head that tell me that something is wrong with my heart, especially when the symptoms get worse. And I do the same thing as you sometimes I feel something and start to listent to my heart to catch something and feel my heart to make sure it's beating properly etc. Although I am having the follow up with my doc this Thursday so that may give some relief. I am sorry to hear about your story and the fact that you can't afford testing and pray for you that you get through this as for all who deal with anxiety. I am so very grateful for all the posts and all who care. Is very nice to know that people are going through the same thing as me.
Posted 4/29/2013 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Jocipher,

I had 10 rounds of chemo after my surgery in August (My last chemo was on February 25).  I would try as hard as I could but my Psychiatrist felt I was experiencing PTSD as our 21 year old son was killed in a car accident years back and one day in August of this year I went to the clinic for my yearly check up and was told I had a very large colon tumor with a nasty attitude - Stage IIIC.  I was totally in shock but got through the surgery only to have panic attacks every time I had to go to the clinic for labs test, chemo, shots etc.  One time I nearly did not make it out the door at home due to my anxiety and uncontrollable shaking.  My hubby was here as I could not even think of driving when my anxiety was so high.

In my head I could reason that I had nothing to be so anxious about as I was at the clinic at least 12 times per month but the anxiety over-ruled my thinking. I felt so weak and like such a looser for not being able to control the tears.  You see, all the people at the clinic and the hospital are my peers.  I was the ER mananger for many years and now I am the lady with the cancer.  

My latest lab from this weak is suspicious so tomorrow I go in for a CT Scan.......all I could think of when told the news was here I go again.  I probably could not run for you but when it is time picture angels on your shoulders and know that is your HW peers and we are whispering in your ear........."go for it" and it you need to slow down,  it will be OK. WE will be with you in thought so you won't be alone.

You are such a kind and caring person that I suspect God will bless you and give you the courage to push through the anxiety.

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Kitt

Posted 4/29/2013 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your support and I can't imagine what your going through! I pray that everything will be okay with you and that you get through all of this stress that has been put on you. Yes I am scared about the mile run but do indeed hope I can get through it.
Posted 4/30/2013 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
I had a weird experience in my gym class today. I ran to go get a frisbee and all of a sudden my legs got wobbly but then kind of went away and when I was on the tennis court I was retrieving a ball and had like light flashes in my eyes but only lasted a split second. I was a little iffy about going into gym in the first place cause I felt like I had a heavy chest and gym in general is just never a good experience for me right now something always happens:/
Posted 4/30/2013 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
Jocipher, whats the absolutely worst thing that can happen? Go ahead and say it! You could be
right and everyone else is wrong and some mysterious ailment could kill you. Now what could
possibly be worse than that? To have never allowed yourself to live! You have a choice to make
either make the run or tell the gym teacher your health is to bad to take the chance. It's that simple,
and It will not be the end either way.
Son its time to take a stand, either make the doctors take your fears and suspicions seriously
and check you out in a way you can accept, then and only then Quit playing doctor, take the good
advice of the one you choose and live with the outcome. What you are doing to yourself now is neither moving forward or backward. Learn to live as a disabled person (lots of people are and they are happy) or get the final report and accept it! Either way everyone here is ready to help you but
you must be ready to accept what they offer. I really am your friend.
Larry ***
Posted 5/1/2013 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Larry

I am really sorry if i am being a pain in the butt right now but on bad days like this i just get really down in the dumps and start talking negatively and i know that it may seem frustrating. And at the end of the day I also re evaluate my thought process and say to myself what am i doing to myself? But i will tell you exactly what i am afraid of...

To put it in general terms i am afraid of dying. to be more specific i am afraid of dying of some kind of heart issue and so suddenly which is why i fret about my debilitating symptoms in these forums so much. these symptoms happen to me almost every single day and sometimes can get bad enough for me to freak out and panic. My symptoms that i have can pop up when I'm a little anxious or when i dont feel anxious at all! the Symptoms that i get completely drives my anxiety and makes me think and worry and makes me go mad. And i am such a big hypochondriac that i will go searching on the internet and google "Symptoms for heart disease" or "Symptoms for heart failure" or anything that has to do with my heart and probabilities for a 17 year old to die of a heart disease and risk factors and so much crap, and i did that because i didn't know what was wrong with me at the time and i wanted to get to the bottom of this because i wanted this fixed, but obviously that wasn't the case. so i got Blood work, EKG, Chest Xray, Holter monitor for 24 hours and an Echo and everything checked out ok thank God, but even after my symptoms still kept happening to me. i have noticed that over these months my symptoms have changed a bit but are still very much centralized in my chest.

Now to back track a little bit. Before all of this started with me i was a carefree fun loving guy. i had a girlfriend and i actually LIKED to workout and didn't think much of it. i would do cardio like its my job and i would move on afterwards like nothing had ever happened to me. no symptoms or nothing. now i wanted to do the Insanity workout which is a REALLY intense cardio based workout regimen. and after that second day this all started and kept getting worse for me. now i have had alot of stressors this year mainly losses in my family but i got over it, but i have always been a hypochondriac, and now it's to its worst. even with all of these tests done all of these symptoms are still happening to me and i feel that something was missed and that i need to see a doc again to get it done right. and thats how i have always been with my body. if something happens that i cant get rid of i go to a doc and they take care of it an i move on my merry way. if it is not fixed i go back and make sure it gets fixed. and going back to what i am afraid of is yes sudden death by some heart issue. and i know im 17 and death and heart problems should be the least of my worries but its always there. now i am a Catholic man and believe in the after life and going to Heaven, but its just that i have so many loved ones on this world including my family friends and now you guys and i just dont want to leave them at all! I also have goals that i want to complete on Earth but when these things happen to me i feel that i will never be able to complete them and that alone can make me depressed. And one more thing is that its really hard to accept the fact that this is anxiety because all of the symptoms that happen to me such as: short of breath, chest heaviness/ tightness, the feeling that my heart is squeezed as it beats, vibrating/ trembling sensations, dizziness, weakness etc. really make me think that something is wrong! i realize that all of these can be caused by anxiety but even if you not feeling anxious at all? And yes i have the hard facts that my heart is healthy and functions properly etc. and i can physically say to you and everyone i meet that i have anxiety but for some reason i cant mentally accept the fact because all of these strange and scary symptoms pull me back mentally so to speak. All i want right now and dream and pray so much is for me to get my life back my old life or something really close to it because sometimes i think when i look at people being active and running etc that " wow i wish i can do that" but sometimes i feel like a broken man almost just thinking about it.

so thats the story and what i think about constantly. i know its alot but i just told pretty much everything i have. thanks for your time:)
Posted 5/1/2013 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Joc,

I am sorry but I cant' remember if you are seeking therapy...I think I recall something about talking to your school's counselor?

Perhaps, it is time to consider seeing a therapist who can take you through CBT. It helped me more than I can express!

We can tell you over and over that you are going to be fine...but it is hard for you to accept and take comfort from our words, because you need to learn skills from therapy that will allow the rational and the truth to sink in!

I understand because, I also had a great support system that did not help me much...besides temporarily calming me maybe...the point is, I had to do the work in therapy to get to a place of feeling better and recovering.

Please ask your folks about this possibility. You can get a referral through your regualr GP for a qualified therapist most likely.

Keep posting with us as well...we will be your cheering section!:)

S.C.
Posted 5/1/2013 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
Jocipher Thanks for your Trust! by the way You are fantastic with HT!

Larry ***

ps: Eucharistic Minister, KC, Conformation Teacher, Convert at age 33, Hi little Brother!

Larry ***

Post Edited (lgm1942) : 4/30/2013 10:18:11 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/1/2013 7:10 AM (GMT 0)
I have a lot of symptoms just like you. I could also remember not feeling these kind of things last year. That I don't need to stop myself from being excited, energetic and the most important being happy. Just like I said before mine started when my BP spiked to 170/117 and thought I already have chronic kidney disease. Ever since I became so conscious with everything I feel. I tried so hard to take control over my body so that my BP will not have those spikes, but in the end my mind went into the fight and flight mode which I can't control since I was already in the cycle of anxiety. And then I started feeling these weird stuffs which led me to google only to end up more terrified with all the diseases I found. We can't say
we don't feel anxious even if we feel good the whole day because most of things happen in our subconscious mind and that's why weird stuffs still happen. Like you I also get the skipped beats or feeling like my heart is being squeezed when it is beating and I always get the initial reaction that it may stop from beating or may have a heart attack. Before my first severe panic attack I also experienced the out-of-nowhere wobbly feeling and the feeling like I'm going to pass out which led to my full blown panic attack with profuse sweating, fast and hard pounding of the heart. At first I didn't believe that it was my anxiety causing these things to me but whenever I get a rapid heartbeat after that episode sometimes out-of-nowhere, I just use a stethoscope to hear my heart, it slows my heart down and somehow gives me relief or comfort. That time it made me think that my mind could be the one causing this and it's all a mental thing.

I felt weak after my first panic attack for 5 days! when at home it brings me comfort and a feeling of being safe. There came a time when it was a Sunday, when I was about to go out to mass, I couldn't get myself out the door, I can't move my legs and further take steps away from our house and there's a feeling of a
panic attack stalking and waiting to attack, I became more weak on my legs and more wobbly for just going out the house. I was sweating all over while mass and some shaking. Like my body is preparing for another panic attack. When on our way back home I can feel it slowly subside. When I got home I felt well
and the sweating stopped. Then again I thought, everything that I feel could just be all in my mind.

Then other weird stuffs started to happen. I noticed I don't have regular bowel movement anymore and with those panic attack days I always get diarrhea. The visual disturbances also came out, like weird starlike-dots showing out of nowhere, flashes of light like someone is taking a photo only it's not that bright, sometimes vision gets dim that feels like I wore sunglasses in a blink of an eye, vision gets blurry and jumpy while doing something and thinking something at the same time (mostly analyzing my health in my mind). I also get the Scintillating scotoma which I can't relate to anxiety cause it's not said that it can be a cause of anxiety. When my anxiety was at its peak I also experienced inner tremors or trembling. I can feel my neck and legs shaking especially when lying down which I can't control. I ended up googling it and had more terrifying diseases added to my sickness list which only made me feel worse. I also get pressure at my right temporal area near my eyebrow like my nerve is going to rupture. I also get the crawly feeling on my scalp but there's nothing there. Like you I became so afraid of dying because I still want to live longer with my wife. I'm so afraid of how much pain I'll be in with such diseases like kidney failure, heart failure and stroke. I also don't want to be a burden to anyone if I had a stroke. But if I'm going to continue to indulge my anxiety and dwell in these negative thoughts, I'll just end up worst than those people who already had stroke, heart attack or diagnosed with cancer who are more thankful for their lives and just continue to live life to the fullest.

Since joining here at healingwell I'm in the process of stopping those bad habits I developed over time. I try hard to stop googling, I'm getting rid of spending and wasting so much time dwelling on absurd thoughts trying so hard to fix myself on my own and now I'm getting back to reality doing things that will keep me away from the absurd thoughts. I'm also also doing my best to stop myself from trying so hard to constrain my emotions that can cause a panic and just let my guard down. I'm also starting to accept the fact that if my time comes up early, I'll just have to accept it and don't feel bad about it. I also started to enjoy life again as much as I could whether I'm feeling bad or good so I'll not regret not giving importance and meaning to that day. I also stopped whinning whenever I feel bad and still be thankful for that day. I lay all my worries to God. Having these changes in my life brought me more good days than bad days.

Post Edited (Jojanxiety) : 5/1/2013 1:32:05 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/1/2013 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
Scardey car yes I go see a therapist. She helps but some days like those I have bad days and just need someone to talk to and get down on myself. But today was a better day for me. The symptoms were very minimal but unfortunately my nose was really runny and think that I have a little cold:/
Jojanxiety thank you so much for that I felt alot better when I read that because you go through the same symptoms that I have and that really made me feel better but also bad because of the same factor and am sorry to hear that you go through this too! But today is a better day and I really appreciate all that you guys said and all of your support I love you all!
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