I don't know what to do. Please read and be honest.

Hi. I'm twenty three, female, long history of panic and anxiety. I can recall having panic attacks as a child. I've been medicated multiple times and always stopped taking the medicine. Bare with me.

Last year around August I sought help for the first time in my adult life. I literally couldn't do anything for about three years except curl up in a ball and beg God to make it stop. I had no long term employment history, i couldn't commit to my education like I dream to, and I couldn't be social. My life was a living hell. I didn't know what a good sleep was. Eventually I began to take over the counter sleep aids and it would help numb me enough to pass out but did not improve my quality of life obviously. I sought out an MD, cardiologist, and psychiatrist. My heart turned out fine, the MD put me on Celexa and Xanax. My life was everything I wanted it to be. :( I had a job... I made friends, I went to school, I was so happy, the anxiety was gone. Until it wasn't anymore.

I visited my MD every other month and psych every month. My MD would tell me I shouldn't take the Xanax anymore while the psych would tell me I should. I would discuss the confusion with my psych and he switched me from Xanax to klonipin to ativan and he changed my anti depressant just as much. Between the two of them and their conflict in opinion they scared me half to death. My MD said I was an addict, my psych said there was nothing wrong with taking something that changed my life for the better. He would then flip flop as well. He'd say Klonipin was better and then say ativan was better, he changed me from Celexa to paxil, then wanted to try seroquel and I'm telling you as a fearful person this really freaked me out. The side effects from all the different medicines made me sick and anxious and I'd only get looked down on when I was paranoid about it instead of them seeing that they were freaking me the hell out. My MD put me on propranolol and wrote me a script of klonipin even though I was on Xanax again and said to take that instead because it was safer. I didn't but it added to the mass confusion.

So I Googled. Then I found out that it's dangerous to be on paxil and propranolol and called the pharmacy. They confirmed. So I stopped taking it.

The anxiety tripled I swear to god. But remember I said I Googled? I Googled benzos and got horrified at this website /forum where everyone pretty much said I'd end up having grand mal seizures and dying and that benzodiazepams actually cause anxiety.

So I tried to ween myself off of them thinking it was the benzos. I didn't know paxil was dangerous too. I tried this water titration(sp) thing and ruined my medicine lol. Also note before I continue, I discussed weaning off with my docs and got nowhere. This is why I attempted to do it on my own. Fast forwardd I tell my doctor I tried to do it myself and he hangs up on me and says I abused my medication. I didn't abuse it. I thought abuse meant to take drugs to get high? This word got thrown at me a lot. I called my pcp and he said the same. I abused my medicine. I tried to explain why I tried to stop taking them, that no one was helping, but no. I'm an abuser. Idk. In retrospect the changing of the medication on a biweekly basis made me anxious and fearful again. I didn't trust them anymore. I did try to take it into my own hands. But I never took any drugs in my life. I don't even drink. The word is hurtful to me because I was not intending to abuse anything if that's really what I did. They just put me on one hell of a roller coaster and I wanted to get away from it. I thought I beat the anxiety and panic since it was gone but alas I did not, the medication did.

I am scared to death to try and get help again. I am scared out of my mind to be accused of drug abuse. I am scared of being put on a bunch of different meds when 1 antidepressant and 1 antianxiety were doing just fine. I felt like I was being fought over and I still don't know who was right. All I know is my life is back to nothing. I am unemployed, out of school, and I want to cry. The last time i saw any of them was January. I feel like my youth is passing me right on by as I panic my time away and everyone else is happy.

How would I even explain this to a new doctor? When I tried to be honest with the others they practically called me a liar. Which is funny because lying makes me anxious **** I avoid that.

Here is the list of meds they put me on in a five month period...

Viibryd, celexa, paxil, zoloft, propranolol, atenolol, lexapro, xanax, klonipin, ativan, almost seroquel. Antidepressants at 40mgs and antianxiety I took 1mg a day only sometimes half of 1. The only 2 that I felt made a huge improvement were Celexa and Xanax. Sometimes when I was on Celexa I didn't even need to take a Xanax. Also when I was on Celexa and Xanax I didn't need heart medication to control my outrageous heartbeat caused by stress.

I don't know what to do and I'm scared to look for help again but my life is passing me by. Sorry for typos I am doing this from my mobile and I'm shaking like a leaf.

Xoxo :( what do I do? am I really a drug abuser? Also the constant shift of anti depressants isn't that dangerous? Was I wrong in being afraid or I'm right and they were doing too much at once? Will a new doctor even help me now?

Hi,

I know how confusing and upsetting medical choices can be, especially when the anxiety and panic takes over. It can seem as if everything you read on the Internet is going to happen to you, that you must be having some problem. I'm sorry your are feeling anxious and panicked, it is not a pleasant feeling and I and others on the forum can relate.

It can also be horribly confusing to get one message from a doctor and another from a psychiatrist...these people are supposed to be helping you and they can't even agree with one another. Well, is that true - that they can't agree with each other? Did you put them both in same room, or are their individual opinions upsetting and confusing? If you can't get them in the same room, make sure they have your file and that you speak to them directly about this.

I Googled once when I had chest pains and convinced myself a heart attack was coming, so I ended up in the hospital. I Googled once about the risk of miscarriages and cried myself an entire afternoon, convinced my wife was going to lose the baby. I took myself off 5HTP supplements last night because I Googled they had crazy side effects (actually in large doses only) and now I just put one in my mouth and I will be fine because I need to challenge my thinking. I'm not going to keel over and die because I had a 5HTP.

Guess what...I now know Google isn't right about everything. My heart turned out fine, and our baby is now 24 weeks and doing spectacularly. And I'll probably be on the forum writing tomorrow about how the 5HTP was fine and it helps elevate my mood.

Challenge what your anxiety thinks. Go to Google and look for something absolutely untrue, like go look up a web page about unicorns - can you believe now that unicorns exist, and find it and challenge the thought that Google must be right. Read The Onion and see if you can convince yourself if any of that is really true (some people actually do!) The Onion certainly can be convincing but it's all fakery. This is what happens to us when we get anxious and panicked. We believe this story we have told ourselves and we must dig ourselves to the truth.

I know its hard to challenge your anxiety. But you have it in you to pry away the misleading thoughts that may be accelerating your anxiety.

If you know for yourself you are not a drug addict, then you really are not. Ruminating, spinning thoughts, negativity, they all get the brain wound up and over-excited. You can only believe what you tell yourself is the truth.

I've only had Xanax so far, and no experience with other medications, so I don't have the best advice about medications. I've read that Xanax can be addictive, but lots of people come off Xanax and although they have a hard time they do it successfully in many cases. It sounds like for you that you already know the good combination of meds that works for you, right? You like Celexa and Xanax and what it does to help you...so go back to what you know works for you. Meds work differently for different folks.

I say there is no shame in taking medication to feel right, you shouldn't judge yourself for it. You are doing what you need to do to feel alright. That's a good step in the right direction.

Aside from medications, are you spending some time on cognitive behavioral therapy?

I hope you feel better :> Please stop Googling even about drug-seeking, you obviously aren't a drug-seeker based on your own description of yourself.

Your cardiologist sounds awesome, if your PCP and psychiatrist can't agree, then its a little bit like being in a dysfunctional family, you can either be a victim of it or you can change it. Part of what is empowering about anxiety is that you can actually change the way you think and feel and come out the other end proud of yourself for taking action. So go prove yourself that your thoughts are wrong - you can find a doctor and other professionals who would agree (and you already did!) that your current line of meds is best. Your cardiologist thinks so. If you think they are quacks too, like your cardiologist, it's not going to help because you need a support structure in your life that is working together with you.

I love guided relaxation. And I beat myself to a pulp doing P90X last night. I thought for sure I'd be sleeping well last night. I've been feeling the anxiety recede but I still can't get a decent night's sleep. Point is we can do the right things, this is the direction we need to go to help ourselves, but it's a process. I can't be upset at myself because I am having trouble sleeping, I should just accept it as a consequence of all my worrying and move on. But I'm having trouble with it still.

We're on this journey of feeling better and finding out what makes ourselves tick and what works for us.

Tony Horton is a bad*** **********er. I wish I could do the entire hour of it without having to take breaks. I'm trying to get back in shape again, after putting on some pounds I need to take them off and get back on track. Jogging is helping, and I might do that tonight. It was raining so much last night and there was lightning out I preferred just to stay in my living room for exercise.

its been 2.5 years since the onset of my chronic anxiety and panic. I am much better now compared to before. I started w daily dose of 10mg lexapro, 0.5 klonopin and 0.5 xanax. Now I am taking 7.5mg lexapro and xanax as needed. during the course of 2.5 yrs I also did have moments when I was contemplating changing therapists but my gut always told me to stick with the therapist that I go to and I think I made the right decision.

Anxiety is tough in itself, having too many cooks telling you different things bout your meds will confuse you further and rev up your anxiety levels for sure.

Also does the anxiety continue to stay at bay/manageable on the medications? Sorry for possibly silly questions.

OMG! What is wrong with doctors that they manage to confuse the heck out of you and contradict each other and often even themselves?! I not only feel your frustration, I'm living it! My PCP is wonderful and, admittedly, over her head with my condition because I'm not responding to anti-depressants. She had me weaning off of Effexor and made the mistake of dropping me too fast and I ended up with such intense migraines, I couldn't get off my bed and slept for days! I'd tried therapy twice over the years with terrible results! I couldn't get in to see a psychiatrist without battling it out with insurance to find someone who was actually accepting patients. The first "emergency" provider said she thought I was mild, high-functioning, bi-polar II and prescribed Lamictal and started lowering my Zoloft. I finally got in to see a permanent provider who truly "freaked out" that I was on either drug, who sent me home to research the side effects of Lamictal and the withdrawal issues for Zoloft and promptly made me take some "medical food" pill in front of her like some kind of psychotic patient who was refusing help. It was bizarre to say the least! I finally found another psychiatrist who spent a short 45 minutes with me before saying she thought I was Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted me in treatment immediately. I'm nothing of the sort but can understand why she might think so given my state and presentation that was highly driven by withdrawals from reducing the meds. That's where I'm really ticked off. Can I get some attention for more than one appointment and certainly more than 45 minutes before we go labeling me and changing my meds again because you don't agree with what I'm on? Ugh!

Suffice to say, I'm just wanting to get off of all medications that I'm on so we can go back to diagnosing me, not my adverse reactions to the crap I've been on. It's not paranoia to question your treatment. Doctors make mistakes all of the time. They don't have all of the answers. You have to advocate for yourself. Find some new doctors. Try again. Fight for proper care! It's out there! We just have to find it.

H

Hi V.V. and welcome!

I am sorry to hear of you conflicting Dr's opinions.

It sounds as if you are genuinely worried about your denpendency concerns...and that in itself is ususally indicative of not having an addiction problem.

I would suggest starting clean with a new doctor, and asking for a therapy referral.

After meeting with your therapist, let him/her make a recommendation for you...knowing your full background and history.

If you have not gone through a full program of CBT with a qualified therapist, then I would also inquire about it. I can't tell you how much it has made a difference for many members her, myself included.

Even if you have done other therapy work before...a re-visit to doing a program can prove to be beneficial...you never know when something is going to 'click' and progress and healing really start to happen.

Keep posting with us if you find it helpful. We are here to understand and support.:)

Scaredy Cat

This is just a thought, maybe them saying that you "abused" your medicine wasn't actually intended to make you feel like a drug addict/seeker. Maybe they meant "abused" as in treated the medicine harmfully (to the medicine, not to you). Didn't you say that you wet it, so you wouldn't take it? (I may have misunderstood.) They may have used the word without considering the connotations that it carries and maybe should be more careful with word choice in the future. ;)

Regardless of whether it was poor word choice or an accusation, I hope you can find a way to not let their hurtful words keep you from seeking help. Just like someone else said, doctors make mistakes, too.

Finding the right doctor can feel like looking for the right partner in life sometimes - some people just don't fit. Best wishes in finding someone who can provide you with the care that you need and deserve.

Thank you guys for all the replies. It's encouraging and helps a lot. I am looking for a new psychiatrist and hopefully can get help soon. Right now I am on my 20th hour awake and would love to sleep but am being a hypochondriac /worrying about my heart.

I wish I could stop the worrying/over thinking. It would be great to get some sleep lol.