Severe Anxiety advice to stop spiral pls & other qs

Hi this is my first post first day as member. Just to sum up briefly I'm an adult survivor of childhood abuse. As is my brother. He reported it to police 2 1/2yr ago & dad got 10 years last wk in prison. Iv had various bouts of anxiety varying in severity. Last week was awful as the sentencing was thur, April was awful as I turned up for full trial but he finally pleaded guilty to 18 of the 24 counts to get 10% off.
Anyway. Today is another aching from head to toe day, sleeplessc& restless the norm, wake solid with stress, jaw clamped etc.
Iv had the crisis tm support me so far, but I just want to try & move on for sake of my family but I wake feeling so wretched! Esp this wk it was plastered all over papers mon. I need to focus on the good but the past keeps pulling me back. I also cut contact with mum 2wk ago for good.
Worst thing today aswel everyone is say u had to do it- it's justice etc. but I feel so guilty- what good does sending an old man to prison do? It should have been done 30 yr ago. Or left? I'm confused & v emotional! :(

Hi Joshua,
Thank you so much for replying. If you have a look at the Lancashire Evening Post website - think lep.co.uk or something from Monday it shows some details there.
it was our father abused us, me for the first 12 yrs of my life, my brother 8 1/2 when mum finally kicked him out. But she knew before I was 2!! She caught him then. Plus we had a full discussion when I was 8, she took him to docs and relate but to no avail. I know times where diff then but I still can't forgive her for knowingly leaving me in that situation because she couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. My brother luckily got away with limited abuse over a few years- still horrific but mine was something like you'd read in a horror story.
I was encouraged to try EMDR but that made things worse cos my memories are pure 4d detailed locked in time, and to bring them back so vividly was the worst pain ever. As I knew that not only was it horrendous but that I was totally neglected by mum too. No love, no support.
Luckily me and my brother used each other to get through the abuse and we focused on education as an escape, so now I've a degree & masters & teacher etc which was all done while the brick wall of denial was up. Since I let the wall down though I've been on tramadol, diazepam and citalopram for 3 years. Lots of counselling etc which has helped. There's no way I can go back to the EMDR I think cbt might be an idea. But I'm actually terrified of any more treatment. I want to put the wall back up and leave it behind!! But the brain won't comply lol! I have constant memories bombarding me driving me nuts! Maybe I should leave my home town and all the reminders etc... That was such a brave thing for you to do. It must have taken enormous courage! Especially so young. I have been thinking of leaving, but my 2 children have school & friend ties and I don't want to mess up their lives, I love them dearly and would never see any harm or upset come to them if I can avoid it.
It's just that now everybody is saying its over- time to move on etc, focus on the good things. But it's soooo hard to do that! I want to but I feel so depressed, exhausted, I question everything we've done with the court case- what if he never touched anyone after us? Is it right to then just upturn his life for something that was 30 years ago? I don't know. My brother was so angry he said it was time to do it.
My mum doesn't care, she didn't come to the trial etc, she doesn't know my children, so cold and heartless yet pretends she cares so I cut her off too. But now I've no mum or dad, just a lot of horrific memories. I have wonderful people in my life patiently waiting for me to come back to the world. I'm so frustrated!
I've tried a bit of meditation today, it helped a lot. But sleep is always awful, even the drugs can't knock me out for long enough my brain just won't switch off! Did we do the right thing speaking out aft all these years? Will I ever be happy again? I really applaud your strength in the way you have coped with your suffering and I'm sorry you had to endure such pain too.

Hi Louby

I wish I had a memory erase button too!

My older brother and I are extremely close to this day, likely because of what happened to us when we were growing up. Its such a strong bond, I hope you can find that in the midst of the craziness we grew up in we had somebody so reliable and so strong with us the whole time. That is the one person that knows you most and don't forget it!

My therapist said something to me the first time we met, he said "Stay in 2013 Joshua". I say that to myself now and again when I find myself going back to the dark places in my memory. I stay in 2013 for my wife and for our little one (we're 7 months pregnant at the moment) and for myself.

You've done exceptionally well in your life, propelled forward by the horrid experience of your past but also because you are super smart and capable. As have I been propelled from the past, I'm successful in my own way and there's so many good things to be happy about now. 2 kids! Wow you are blessed Louby!

We have survived, Louby, you and I. Now we need to focus ourselves to learn to manage this for ourselves. We've got people depending on us, for sure, but there's not much we can do to help them if we can't help ourselves. It's like they say on the airplane, put on your mask before helping children or others.

You know what I learned from Larry here on the forum about sleep? Take Benadryl. I used to be unable to sleep without Xanax but now I take 3mg of melatonin and 2 Benadryl (or diphenhydramine, not sure what it is called in your parts but that's the generic name). Knocks me out cold, in fact I had my "evening cocktail" about 10 minutes ago and I might slip away to bed for the evening.

We are survivors, you and I. If we've overcome something so terrible, we can certainly overcome our own thoughts yeh. Would think folks with master's degrees would know better, but its anxiety takes a grip and its so hard to shake it.

Please look into the CBT, it's gonna do wonders for you. I know it will.

And I know how scary moving or any big change can be, I needed a place to start fresh and a complete white board. If you're at that place, put some serious thought in it. Life is what you make it, not what others make it for you. Your kids will be fine. I moved every 2-3 years as a kid (not that I'm a perfect example, ha certainly by far!) but lots of kids move around and they're OK.

Do what you need to do for you.

Wishing you a relaxing evening. Try the Benadryl. It works!

Joshua

Post Edited (Joshua88) : 6/12/2013 8:39:57 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Joshua,

I hope you have a peaceful sleep. Il look into the Benadryl tomorrow. I'm trying to get off the diazepam because I don't feel safe driving if I've had my full allowed dose and now the school hols approach I want to take the kids to the park, bike rides etc so I have to get off them. That's my motivation. I've not taken any today for the first day in months and months!

I think our lives have mirrored in some ways, I have a really strong bond with my brother too because of the pain we went through we found salvation through each other and continue to be there for each other always. Like you say we are the only people who really understand & know truly how it feels when we struggle.

It has been a real help to chat with you today, thank you for sharing your story too and reminding me how we actually have survived things so terrible that I definitely should be able to beat my own silly brain lol! It's amazing the power it has and I was totally aching and felt so helpless and worthless this morning. Yet I got on here, did some crochet- nice relaxing hobby lol- fits my 'middle aged' label they gave me in the paper- I'm 42!! What a cheek lol! And the spiral was stopped and I was able to pull myself back from that precarious edge I'm walking at the moment.

That's wonderful that you have a baby on the way, so many exciting things to look forward to. That is what I need to keep reminding myself- I'm in June 2013! I have lots of lovely supportive people in my life and to spend time thinking about anything else is giving it a power it doesn't deserve.

I really hope I can sleep tonight without waking up clenched into positions that make me ache all the next day, and that I wake feeling as positive as I do now going to sleep.

Again, thank you so much for your kind and positive words today.
Louise

Thank you Larry. Joshua reminded me of some important things that my brain struggles to remember at the minute.
I'm trying hard, just feel quite weak at the moment. I always wake feeling awful, exhausted, can't face the day, want to cry & get back under the duvet & stay there. But il fight it today just like I did yesterday! Xx

Ahh thanks Joshua, pity I can't put some pics up of the things I've done, I love crochet it's just so relaxing! I'm self taught, like you I was determined to have a go at things to keep me occupied and help take the focus away from the bad stuff. The baby blanket I'm doing is so pretty, actually I have things on Pinterest - are u on that? So many fab things & ideas for craft u could have a look then?
That's so amazing all the things you've done!! Jack of all trades! It's so great when you've made something yourself from scratch, even if its a bit rubbish first time lol you still think- I made that! With crochet I was amazed at first at the wonderful things you can create with basically just a ball of wool and a stick!
I managed to shake off the morning blues today and went shopping with my auntie for Father's Day presents which really cheered me up. I've also managed my 2nd full day without Valium! Hooray.
Take care & hope u sleep well.
Louise

Dear Louby:Some years ago I personally knew a Lady named Betty, She had polio as a young girl and both
legs were impaired somewhat and She used braces with a walker, as She aged Her health got worse, diabetes and cancer, She kept surviving these things and lived a long life, She became famous for crochet items and She would make items for sick babies. "She did a very unique thing while making the stitches, She said a small Prayer with each one, a consequence of this Praying and stitching was that all the anxieties She had most of her life disappeared". A very important side note many of the babies got well and some weren't expected to. I went to her house the day after She died, it was winter, everywhere I went outside and inside I was overwhelmed by the smell of Roses! Peace

Larry ***