I didn't think I wanted to do this, it's a lot easier to talk to all of you about
your problems than to revisit mine. Looking back I probably had PAD most of my life, it was much worse when I was a young man but I
stayed drunk, "I didn't realize that I was fighting PAD I just knew I was feeling bad and wanted a drink".
Managed to hold a job and do well, but when my Children started getting school age I wanted to be able to
remember raising them and being from a broken home I sure didn't want my girls to deal with that. So I tried to cut back and did ok most of the time but ever now and then I would get a visit from this evil PAD demon.
Mine was real sneaky, it seemed like it was the times when I would be most at peace and nothing bothering
me, then. I have an analogy I like to use. "Really relaxed and there is a knock on the door, I really don't want to be bothered so instead of getting up and going to the door, I say, who is it!, The answer, It's me
your Mortality, dam I don't want to talk to you go away. No we need to talk now and I will keep beating on
your door until you face me. I get up and drag my feet to the door hoping this aberration has got tired and
departed, I looked through the peephole and wouldn't you just know it, the most beautiful female angle I
could imagine was out there. Slowly I
open the door, and she smiled at me, I felt like my bones were made
out of rubber, I just stood there, she smiled again and took the step that separated us, wrapped her arms
around me and gave me the biggest, wettest, french kiss any man ever had, then she looked at me and smiled, I felt like I was free falling through hell, my heart was doing about
200, I was sweating, I was cold,
and yet I was on fire, she looked at me again, slight smile and said Larry I will come for you again, next time we will go all the way". This is when I told my wife who was sleeping that I was dying and needed help. So began the series of ER visits, doctors appointments, tests and more tests. I was 48 years old and
a basket case of nerves and panic. My problem was the fear of death! and I just didn't want to go there for
any reason, so I pretended my great panic attack never happened and continued to live in a private terror.
A few years later I had to go to Canada for a Customs Audit and flew to Montreal for two weeks, they should have given me a straight jacket when I got on the plane, I hate confinement, especially in an aluminum gas tank flying 500 miles per hr, all I could think of was a mountain side and a fire ball should be painless,
if it was not then the double jack daniels I was inhaling was going to help. Well Montreal was really nice
the people were wonderful and I was a complete lunatic, "But no one could tell", I was a master of deceit
well almost, you see I knew the horrible truth, that beautiful angel was really going to come back and I couldn't stop her! The inevitable, unrelenting, fear of death. The last night before coming home was the
worst night I ever had, we went out and had lots of drinks, food, good times, later when I was in my room
laying in bed, sweating, hurting, heart pounding, I could hear my heart in the mattress springs, I could not
breath, I couldn't even get one real good breath it hurt too much. "In the best Kings English I said ******
I got up and walked around a little while, then it came to me, stop this, I got on my knees and started Praying, I don't remember much but what I do remember was about
like this. Lord I don't know why I am
so afraid of death, it has to be Your invention, but from this moment forward I will live, as good as I know
how, I won't hurt anyone, I will try to help anyone I can, if you don't kill me right now, I'm going to Live
the best I can and I will never die again every day, the one You have reserved will be enough. Once to be
born once to die thats all You require thats all there is going to be!
I went back to bed and Prayed the Rosary, I don't know when I went to sleep but I didn't take my xanax I
was just to drained to need it. The flight home was a JD express take off and we arrived at DFW in a storm
it was several days later that I realized that I had not needed a xanax, I wasn't much changed, well I don't
think so, I hadn't had a panic attack either, now this was not the end of PAD but it was the end of its
control of my life, I still have a bad day once in a while, but I have not took a xanax in two years. So whats
the real answer? It does not mater how PAD manifests itself in us, a numb arm, dizziness, back pain, pounding heart, reflux, can't breath. They all make us fear we are dying! Christ said it best, Be Not Afraid!
For years I thought this was a nice thing for Him to tell us. "It was not a request, it was a Command".
Peace
Larry ***
Someone very sweet has reminded me of something, you might have noticed the way I sign my posts.
Larry ***
I always say a short Prayer for all of You and the end is *** Father/Son/Holy Spirit *** I Love You All.
Post Edited (lgm1942) : 8/13/2013 9:33:02 PM (GMT-6)