Trying to Have Patience...

Hello,

I wish everyone peace...

Looking for work was much easier when I had a security blanket of time and money.

So now I may be more focused and realistic about things, I feel both pressure and anxious as well.

So where I used to feel in my element, and now do not want to lose that coolness and professionalism,

that my old momentum gave me.

I am very capable, but this never ending garbage is weighing on me.

And now do not want to show it and also the fact this makes me angry that I am in this situation 

I am fighting it but almost feel like I never will recover. Appreciate people telling me that to hang in

there  I too had more enthusiasm when I could wake up an had a routine that gave me a normal

level of living, and when I had at least some daily reinforcement of success. I had regular successes

that kept me going and the income that goes with it.

I do not begrudge others advice, but I want to hear from someone who can relate to me, who has

walked in my shoes.

BeRock, your story was helpful to me, although I wish we both were doing better.

I want to know, is there anyone else out there who were doing good, lost their job and have not

recovered like me years later? It doesn't have to be a bad story, has anyone ever got it back after

years- I want to know.

My part time work with my family is not giving me the momentum , continuous activity I need.

 

Ghost,
I don't know your story, I'm sorry to say, but I do know about anxiety, panic, depression, and being unable to work. I had my first panic attack at 17. I had just graduated high school where I had been a very good student and was going to start my first job as a cashier at the new K-mart that was going to open in a few days. I went in to train on the register with the other girls. Then I decided to stay the day helping get stuff ready for the store's grand opening. I was tense all day and to be honest, hadn't really wanted to be a cashier in the first place, but felt as a teenager I was lucky to get the job, since it was my first. The BIGWIG boss lady from Texas was there and let us gals know that we better not "go blank" when we started working the registers on our first day. That she had seen girls do that and it just better NOT happen! She had planted a seed in my mind about something that I already was fearful about. That night, after midnight, I awoke from my sleep and sat up in bed with a full-blown panic attack! Unlike most folks, I instinctively knew that it was fear and never thought for a second that I was having a heart attack. I never went back to K-Mart to work. I developed an outright phobia of working out in the secular world after that. I tried several times through the years, but I never could. I didn't get any help until about 10-11 years later when I tried to get SSI disability. The lawyer told me about a mental health clinic where I could go for help and get some documentation of my disorder. It may be hard for some to believe, but I NEVER knew there was help for people like me. To make a long story short (there's so much more I could go into!), I got therapy and my disorder became worse and it developed into clinical depression and GAD. I was nearly suicidal by then, but with medication, I did get better from the symptoms of anxiety and depression, but my phobias had become so ingrained that I could never get over that wall to have a "normal" life. I got my SSI and the only secular work I've ever been able to do is that of helping my Mom clean offices (her own little business). I have never been a paid worker. I do it to help my Mom. The psychiatrists I have had through the years knew/knows. They understood that with me, it was not a job in my own mind. It was just me helping my Mom. If it had become a "real job", I'd freaked out. So anyhow, here I sit, at my keyboard, talking to you, telling you my sob story, but hoping that you have a better outcome than I did.
The moral of my story is that if someone could've helped me early on, when the phobia/panic set in, maybe I would be in a real job today. Maybe I could've gotten married and had kids. "Maybe" is a bitter pill to swallow. Nonetheless, I've survived. My life has not been as I would've wished it. I can't travel b/c of my phobias and living on a SSI check means I don't own anything of value. When I die, the only thing I'll be able to leave my family, is some memories, so I try to make good ones with them.
How about you? have you sought any help? I truly hope so! Don't wait! And whatever happens, be glad for whatever you can do. At least you'll be trying.
jl

Hi Janetlee and Igm,

Thank you for taking the time and responding.

Janetlee, I am sorry you have had to live with this and let me convey to you my heartfelt prayers
that you are okay and find peace going forward.

The short version of my story is that I had a good job and as well side jobs for a long time and lost
them awhile back because of a combination of reasons- the biggest being I did not do what was necessary to meet expectations.not

Yes, like many of us I deal with anxiety, gad, but expect one time I do not anxiety attacks and although it has held me back somewhat , it is not the main factor why I am where I am at now.

My anxiety has come disguised as apathy, boredom, lack of focus and maybe even goofing off.

So, I understand you but have been able to make a good living, but not in some time.

I realize we all share in our forum some level of this issue of anxiety which can stagnate our energy,
talent and intentions and also misinterpreted.

So, I have a good read on myself and need some positive momentum going my way.

Living too much "inside myself, analyzing everything" is not healthy and draining.

So I am taking it one day at a time, and trying to get into a good groove. Ultimately you and I are
only as good or bad as we are open to.

It is no good for me to be angry so much, but it does help me focus and cut through the b.s.

Ironically many really intelligent who are insightful, deep thinkers I feel have these anxiety issues
and if we let can hold us back.

As a young man, I remember having a similar experience to your cash register story , screwing up
by overthink trying to figure a work related issue, and then overhearing a insensitive owner putting
me down.

But also I have been complimented and told how well I was doing and skilled I was another time, so
I have learned the truth is what I think.

The most difficult thing is not to get caught in things, and if you can find one person to express yourself that is invaluable.

best to you.