1st Post. Anxiety support?

Hello. I am brand new to this site. I just signed up with the hopes of connecting with others who can understand what I am going through.

I have anxiety. I know the first step in overcoming something is accepting it. So there, I am a 27 year old woman and I have anxiety.

It all began a few years ago. Someone that was very dear to me, someone who, as far as a I knew, was young and healthy died suddenly. Strange situation. I never really got closure or resolution as to the cause. The death affected me in ways I could never have anticipated. I became a severe hypochondriac. It was completely debilitating. I was 100% certain that I had a brain tumor and/or was going to have a brain aneurism. Or possibly any type of cancer at all. Panic attacks, sleepless nights, trips to the ER, feeling like I had lost myself to this disease, this anxiety that was like nothing I had ever felt before. I got on lexapro (which was difficult for me because I truly do not like taking medicine... I have anxiety about it). I never really faced the issue head on. I got on meds, graduated from college, got a job, met the love of my life... Essentially I got really distracted and somehow the anxiety issues dissolved. I was free. Happy. I'd assumed I'd beaten this evil monster that had so unwelcomely inserted itself into my life......

Flash forward. Someone else dear to me unexpectedly has a massive heart attack. And here I am, 27 years old... I've got a great job, a wonderful partner in my life, amazing friends, supportive family... And I can't enjoy any of it because I am back on that obsessive place. Constantly googling symptoms, calling my mom daily and expressing my worries, making my boyfriend check my pulse, having to talk myself out of going to the ER, having to talk myself down from the panic attack ledge. I started seeing a new doctor who is absolutely wonderful. She did diagnose me with h. pylori, a stomach bacteria, which was causing me some unsettling symptoms. This diagnoses was extremely positive and negative at the same time. Needless to say, positive because my symptoms did have a legitimate, treatable medical cause. Negative because everyone in my life's assessment of the situation was this, "that's stress and anxiety! There is nothing wrong. You are doing this yourself." And that was a very logical thing to assume... But now, more than ever, I don't know how I am going to just brush past a symptom that is probably "nothing."
I've had two EKGs and two chest rays in the last 4 weeks and they all came back beautifully. Yet I have this dull achy, almost burning sensation above my left breast and I absolutely cannot let go of the idea that it is cardiac.
I have literally spent the last two months just waiting for death. I convince myself every single day that it's going to happen. That surely these things I am feeling can only mean death.

I have begun therapy. I don't know how long I will be able to do it because even with my health insurance it's expensive. I want my life back. I want to be the me that I was before I had my first taste of anxiety. I was to be whole... And these anxious obsessions are eating away at me bit by bit.

I know I'm not alone..... But I also don't know anyone who TRULY understands what this is like.

Littlefoot, if you and I were discussing life, it would start with being born, something we really did not choose
it would involve an end also, called death, "You are only born once, and once to die, there is no need to do
this every day, thats a horrible way to live". So now is the time of living, don't waste it, death comes to us
all but once, unless we choose to rehearse it every day!

The only cure for the fear of death is to live, the best you know how, Love the same way, don't even think
or worry about something we have no power over. "Just Live". Peace

Larry ***

hi littlefoot. I, too, am I serious hypochindriac. in the past 3 months, I have told my self I have brain tumor, throat cancer, lung cancer, bladder cancer, testicle cancer, colon cancer, haert problems, a stroke, ibs, crohns, c diff, kidney infection, bladder infection, stomach parasites, diabetes, appendicitis, ear infection, sinus infection ... this list goes on and on. I definitely understand where you're coming from and what you're going through. this is a tough thing to beat because our mind makes the symptoms real! I have had xrays, ekgs, mris, UAs, bloodwork, prostate exams, cystoscopy, and everything always checks out fine, yet, I think drs missed something. I am goong to start therapy next week. I jave read on these forums that cognitive behavioral therapy is what I should look into. in the meantime, try to stay calm and reassure your self the symptoms you feel aren't real. deep breaths, occupy the mind, and what ever you DONT GOOGLE! That's the worst thing us hypochondriacs can do. it fuels anxiety (which definitely has symptoms) which ignites hypochondria. I try to look at it like this - have you ever seen a beautiful mind with Russell Crowe? I hope you have. he has hallucinations of people. at one point he understands they are hallucinations and realizes they can't hurt him. - that's how I feel about my hypochondria the past few days. mmaybe I will have symptoms for life, but if I can differentiate what is real and what isn't, maybe I can beat this. anf you can too. mu symptoms usually last an agonizing week, but then they go away. I try to wait a week before I go to the er, but sometimes it's hard. try to stay positive, it really makes a difference. one day at a time, that's the best we can do =)

LittleFoot, feel free to use my email if you feel the need, Peace

Larry ***

MrHypochondriac said...
hi littlefoot. I, too, am I serious hypochindriac. in the past 3 months, I have told my self I have brain tumor, throat cancer, lung cancer, bladder cancer, testicle cancer, colon cancer, haert problems, a stroke, ibs, crohns, c diff, kidney infection, bladder infection, stomach parasites, diabetes, appendicitis, ear infection, sinus infection ... this list goes on and on. I definitely understand where you're coming from and what you're going through. this is a tough thing to beat because our mind makes the symptoms real! I have had xrays, ekgs, mris, UAs, bloodwork, prostate exams, cystoscopy, and everything always checks out fine, yet, I think drs missed something. I am goong to start therapy next week. I jave read on these forums that cognitive behavioral therapy is what I should look into. in the meantime, try to stay calm and reassure your self the symptoms you feel aren't real. deep breaths, occupy the mind, and what ever you DONT GOOGLE! That's the worst thing us hypochondriacs can do. it fuels anxiety (which definitely has symptoms) which ignites hypochondria. I try to look at it like this - have you ever seen a beautiful mind with Russell Crowe? I hope you have. he has hallucinations of people. at one point he understands they are hallucinations and realizes they can't hurt him. - that's how I feel about my hypochondria the past few days. mmaybe I will have symptoms for life, but if I can differentiate what is real and what isn't, maybe I can beat this. anf you can too. mu symptoms usually last an agonizing week, but then they go away. I try to wait a week before I go to the er, but sometimes it's hard. try to stay positive, it really makes a difference. one day at a time, that's the best we can do =)

Mr. Hypochondriac,

Hello. Thanks for the response. You actually sound quite like the male version of myself. I've also diagnosed myself with nearly everything you've listed. Whatever symptom I feel (or think I feel) becomes the focal point of my life. It's terrible. You're right about google... it's the worst thing we can do for ourselves... but I can't help myself. I google and google, rewording what I'm looking for several different ways to see if something different comes up.

I am hopeful as far as beating this goes. As I originally said, I've spent the last three years living a "normal" life... Getting a cough and accepting that it's just a cough, an excruciatingly painful headache that's just a headache... I clearly have grief and loss issues and that death in my life was a trigger. I know I need to get to the root of that issue. Find a way to accept the nature of life and death.

It's unfortunate that I am so rational and I do understand things... I just can't accept them when the anxiety takes hold.

Good luck to you starting your therapy. I hope it helps. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone, but also makes me very sad that other people have to go through this... cause it's no fun.