Hello all-
Newbie here. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for about 8 or 9 years. I have always been able to control them. Usually got them about once a month. My symptoms are hyperventilation. I literally can't breathe. Talk about scary.
They first started after a breakup about 8 or 9 years ago. I had no idea what was happening. Scared the utter crap out of me. I went to therapy, got a xanax prescription and just "dealt" with them. I only get 15 xanax pills with no refills so I only take them when absolutely necessary. Of course I self medicate with alcohol and just pray that I don't get one. They have been "manageable"
Recently it has turned into what I have self diagnosed as panic disorder. I used to run 6 miles a day. I haven't been able to run for about 5 years because I can't breathe and I panic. I can't leave the house without a bottled water, my phone, xanax, and an inhaler. (this makes it even more difficult to run lol)
I can't even make it around the block to walk my dog without hyperventilating. As of late, I have had a constant state of low grade panic all day every day for weeks. I can't even sleep. I am convinced I have sleep apnea. Last night I gasped myself awake once an hour. Frightening. At least sleep was an escape from the constant elephant on my chest. Now, not so much.
I know I have to go back to therapy. I was thinking about trying hypnosis. I don't know, at this point I just feel so helpless. I am not even really stressed over anything! I have a great life. Just started a new job that I love. Single at 43 with no kids wasn't exactly where I thought I would be in my life, but I do love my life regardless.
I was recently diagnosed with a large fibroid tumor. It was benign and honestly it didn't bother me that much. I was TERRIFIED that once I went under anesthesia I wouldn't wake up, that I would stop breathing. What if I O'D on the medication? When I woke up in my hospital room, I had a MASSIVE attack. I could NOT get any air in at all. The nurse chastised me and yelled at me for knocking over my drink. I wanted to punch her in the face.
Truly, I panic about Panic! I am not afraid of the grocery store per say or crowds, but I have had some doozies in the grocery store or kmart. Literally at the counter, can't breathe, hyperventilating. I hate it! I panic about going out to dinner or the movies. Will I have one? Sometimes when I take a pill, it actually escalates the attack because I think it's not going to work. I truly have too much time in my own head. I find that if I am distracted that helps. I worked three jobs for awhile just to escape it lol.
It's amazing to me that I can even read the forums, that usually brings it on too. I have had two large ones in the shower this week. I can't even go to the gym because I get them there. I was lying on the bathroom floor at work the other day feeling myself spinning out of control. It so very debilitating. Everyone thinks I have it so together and most times I think while I'm sitting in meetings at work "if you only knew that I was lying on my shower floor not even able to get up this morning, you would be appalled."
I find myself thinking that I'm allergic to things and can't swallow. I eat shrimp, or peanut butter and am convinced that my throat is swelling up and do I have benadryl handy. It is crazy, and I KNOW it's crazy. Every day is a succession of shallow breaths. I feel like I will never be normal.