How to stop self medicating my anxiety?

1st time joining on line group. I am a 39 yr old that has been struggling with anxiety since I can remember. Like everyone else suffering with this I remember my first panic attack as if it had happened today, I was 16. My dad suffers with it as well and back then (1990) parents did not think of getting their kids help? With in the week I found out that when you are drunk the anxiety goes away even though the day after is a living hell to me it was worth it for a night feeling "normal". After I had my first child the anxiety got worse and so did the drinking. Happened again after 2nd child and it got so bad I did seek out a mental health pro. Was put on Paxil and it really helped but I was so into my addiction I couldn't stop. After 3rd child I went to rehab, twice and did manage to stop drinking and could say for a year I was at peace, until I took my husbands pain meds for a migraine. The feeling of not worrying was amazing and I was instantly hooked. I even stole a dr rx pad and wrote my own scripts for almost a year until I did it one too many times and got busted. I started taking suboxone and it helped me so much. A few years ago I had an allergic reaction to something, never found out what and completely freaked at the hospital. I was then prescribed benzos and once again, was instantly hooked. I was getting 4 and 5 scripts from diff docs, drove with my kids in the car while completely blacked out. My family, hubby, parents said if it didn't stop, I was no longer welcome in their lives. I must be a good addict cause I started taking benadryl and have increased amount to 15 25 mg tablets twice a day. My family does not know. I am worse now then I have ever been and do not know how to stop. I used to be very healthy, in shape and loved running, after my 1st attack i could no longer do exercise of any kind due to increase in heart rate. Everyone says exercise helps but my trigger symptom is my heart. I feel alone in that problem since I don't see people talking about the exercise fear. I have allowed anxiety to rule and ruin my life in more ways I care to think about. My family thinks I don't want to get better, it's all in my mind.... Yes, it is. That is the problem. I need help

Thank u so much for replying. I am actually going today for an intake appt with the mental health clinic where I live. I know that rehab and AA and NA has helped millions but I have mastered the art of using time and time again and shockingly enough I learned so many tricks to be a good addict the two times I was in rehab. I know my sick self so well that I am not strong enough for a group of any kind. Like u said therapy, I'm praying for a quick appt when I do intake today, I will let u know, again, thanx for listening

Hi Kendelem and welcome!

First of all congratulations for taking the bold steps that you have to get well.

Many people never reach out with honesty, or seek help for their issues, yet you have done both today.:)

I lost my father to alcoholism, so it is a subject near and dear to my heart. I get very excited when I hear that someone is fighting for their sobriety!!

I believe that you can get well for yourself, and your family. Doing the things that you know you need to do in order to be well is essential, as is support...and we are here for you in that regard.

So best wishes and post with us often...we will be here cheering you on!

As far as the other concern that you mentioned...the heart rate and exercise issue? This is actually fairly common. It happened with me, and since I am an athlete by trade (dance teacher/choreographer) I couldn't afford to let this slow me down.

My adivce? Start slowly. Don't stop if you become symptomatic, but slow down even more until your HR evens adjusts. Then increase as you can. If it happens again...don't stop, just slow down. This will eventually send signals to your brain that though the exercise increases your heart rate, it does not mean that you are having a cardiac event...and exercise will cease to be a trigger.:)

Keep posting!!

Scaredy Cat

Yes, please let us know how you are doing Kendelem!

We are here ready to support and cheer you on!

We all want to see you win this battle...you can do it, and we would love to help you along through being here to listen and care.:)

S.C.

As a person who also lost their Father to alcoholism I am concerned about this Lady, Praying for Her Strength. Peace.

Larry ***

I did walk today, I am planning to start each day with more positive energy then negative energy. I'm trying not to focus on aches and pain, but more on, I'm basically pretty healthy and I'm alive, and try to live each day to the fullest. I hope it works, lol

Kendelem,
Your post caught my eye, anxiety is real. Each of us have some sort of anxiety. Our choices determine whether we let it get the better of us or we get the better of it. I went through Midwest Center as a DIY course and I gave it to a friend to help her get through her issues including D&A. Will it work for you, I don't know. I know though that taking a first step is the hardest. stay focused and take it. If I were you, I'd take one less bendedryl a day until you feel that feeling.. you know what I'm saying..that feeling of prickles --of pacing-- running out of your skin.... then stay there... breath through it but don't take an extra benedryl..go to bed.... then the next day take one less... go through each day taking one less... write it down, use the forum to track... recognize that you took that day and be proud as all hell that you did that one day... breath in... breath out... Your goal only one less pill a day... that's it.... Stay focused on only that..

Good luck and let us know that you're ok...

There is absolutely no quick trick or quick fix...

I have exercise anxiety as well. I too used to be a runner. I loved it. I haven't been able to for about 5 years and it makes me depressed. I have a breathing issue. I can't catch my breath and I hyperventilate. Whenever I get on the treadmill all I can do is walk, and if I do it too intensely, it triggers it. I have had to leave the gym many many times....most times I just don't go.

Used to be able to leave my house with a pair of shorts and a shirt on and run 6 miles. Now I can't even walk my dog around the block without a phone, water bottle, xanax in my pocket and an inhaler b/c I'm convinced I'm going to stop breathing. I can totally relate.

I do hope you come back when you are ready. We would all like to know how you are doing.