Anxiety or am I going crazy

So I am new here, but I really need help because seeing a councilor once every 2 weeks is not helping fast enough.

I would also like to add that this will be pretty long but please someone read it.
So to start I have no history of violence what so ever, never even been in a fight to protect myself

So for the past 4 years I have been smoking (as per forum rule # 1 dicussion of MM only please) on the regular and always had confidence in my mental stability, tho I never thought I was smart I always thought I had a good understanding of the world and how people think. 2 years ago I had a "the one that got away" situation with a girl and lost all my confidence. I spent all my time smoking weed playing videogames daydreaming of an exciting life and hanging with friends (drank at night often). Tho I loved violent games and had violent action fantasies I was always confident in my view of violence, like the obvious of hurting or killing innocent or normal people was wrong and ****ed up. But about 8 weeks ago I started feeling weird when playing violent games and started questioning why these games were fun. Was I secretly a psychopath or something. I assumed it was due to the **** so I stopped smoking, but it just got worse. Suddenly my head started spinning with intrusive thoughts of violence like pushing people down stairs or stabbing people. I went threw a 2 week anxiety attack, didn't want to leave my bed, was afraid to be alone but also afraid to be around people for the fear that I would snap and hurt people. I eventually put myself in a hospital and was released after 5 days with depression and anxiety. Since then I have been struggling with the idea of going crazy or having some serious mental illness. I have convinced myself of everything under the sun. But the worst part is the confusion. I started telling myself I wanted to do these things. I can't even read my own emotions anymore. I can't tell if I'm upset by these thoughts or I'm upset that I can't act on them. I feel like I've been acting my whole life, that I was never really happy or friendly just pretending. I fight with myself in my head constantly (there are no voices or people) like one second I say I do want to the next I say I don't and this is just anxiety but to be honest I just don't know. It feels at times that nothing is real or that I have trouble concentrating or understanding the world around me. I feel like there is no hope, how could I ever get a girlfriend or have kids when I'm having these feelings or thoughts, I can't risk it. Please someone tell me if they experienced anything like this or know what's wrong. Also would like to add that I've had adhd my whole life and was diagnosed with anxiety when I was young.

Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 11/24/2013 8:10:22 PM (GMT-7)

Hi Nick and welcome,

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time currently.

I am glad that you recognize the things that are challenging you, and starting to work on them...that is a huge step!

It is great that you are in counseling...and now you have a whole group of people who care, and are here for your support.

Are you and your counselor currently working on anything to treat OCD and intrusive thoughts?

It is actually not unusual to have such thoughts with this form of anxiety...and it does not mean that you would ever act on them.

Has OCD ever been brought up in any of your treatment experiences? If not, I would ask about being checked for the criteria for this disorder. I am not diagnosing you, as I am not qualified to do so...but I think that it is worth asking about, as many of the things that you mentioned ring true for those who deal with OCD.

I am really glad that you have stopped self-medicating and are not playing the video games that are a trigger to your worries and anxiety. This will go a long way in helping things not to get worse.

To help you to feel better, we have some really good self-help ideas in our Resources here. On our main page, 1st post, you will find everything from breathing and progressive muscle relaxation exercises (in the stress relief link) to meditation, book reccomendations and worksheet downloads/on-line therapy help.

Giving some of these a try, along with continuing your counseling and posting here should make a difference in how your thoughtpatterns process, and how you feel.

There is hope.:)

Talk to you soon,

Scaredy Cat

But all of my closest friends play the same games. My friends are what you'd call new age nerds. And I know for a fact non of them would hurt a fly, all have no history of violence either, they are always praising good actions, and to be honest are concerned and confused as to the position I'm I now. I can't believe that a videogame would be the cause but I could see it being a trigger. Igm1942

Also igm1942 an example would be gta5, it made 800 million in the first 24 hours of release, I'd like to believe that out of all the people playing them they aren't out stealing cars or killing civilians in the street

Nick my point is this it may only be a trigger for one out of one hundred thousand, at the rate they are being
played if it causes only this small of a percentage to have a value's change, ?
I do know this if these had been out when I came home from VN and I got hooked on them I hate to think
what I might have done. "The other thing that worry's me is the violent denial that users defend these games". I know for a fact that my Grandson confuses the moral standards of the games with reality, I am not
on a crusade against anything much less a game I have never played. "I still don't watch war movies". Peace

Larry ***

You didn't come off as hostile at all.:) We just like to expound on all different views, ways of looking at things and solutions to coping with this common issue that we share!

I totally understand how much gaming is a part of the social framework for people your age, so finding creative ways to still stay part of your group, while doing what you need to feel well will be a challenge...but one that you will probably be able to figure out.

Check out our self-help stuff for now...and keep posting!

S.C.

Nick I do understand this last post better, when I first got out of VN and was trying to get used to life again
I quickly learned that I better not have more than one drink, it dulled my inhibitions which allowed me to
allow myself to get enraged in a heart beat, I was easy going until I was drinking then I had a short fuse.
I ended up in jail for fighting and the pain of the fines and going before a judge just took the fun out of the
party seen. I hope you can maintain faith in your own moral standards until you have received help from
your doctors, you sound like a pretty solid young man and I think a professional medical person will be able
to ease your mind very quick. Peace

Larry ***

Well Nick I am stumped, please see the doctor and maybe he will have some answers for You, keep comming here
we do care. Peace

Larry ***

Post Edited (lgm1942) : 11/25/2013 6:04:22 PM (GMT-7)

Nick,

Have you tried using positive mantras to combat the negative/scary thoughts that intrude?

This can be a really effective mangement tool!

Let me know if you are interested in any ideas for this, and I will be glad to help.;)

S.C.