Sudden extreme anxiety, stress, and anxiousness never before experienced.

Hi, I have never been that great at articulating my thoughts, and I'm a very private and defensive person. But starting earlier this year, I have now had two panic/anxiety attacks this year that have lasted more than 24 hours. Some background information might be helpful, this is NOT bragging in any way shape or form, it is simply formation. I am currently 21, but only a few days away from turning 22. I was a very empathetic child, but because of family circumstances I was forced to grow up when I was about 10 years of age. Since then, I have never really associated with people, or had "Friends" more than a few weeks. I used to have major depressive attacks, and would just go and hide somewhere for hours, or even a full day. I have always avoided letting people get close to me for fear of them hurting me, and myself letting them down. If you know what the Briggs Myers personality test is, I'm an extreme INTJ. Over the years I have taken the test, and become more and more extreme. The first time I took the test, I was around 80%, and now, I'm around a 95%-98% on Introversion. I have an extremely overactive mind, that causes insomnia more often than not. At any point in time I'm thinking of 10-15 topics at one time, trying to occupy my mind to it's fullest. I've always been a large, and harsh perfectionist, and moderately OCD. Although I've always had a lot of inner turmoil, I'm excellent at masking it, although a few people who were similar to myself saw through it(In that case I would distance myself ASAP). Although it was sometimes nice to socialize with a person or two, it was quickly unsatisfying and became depressing. No matter what I've done in the past, it always feels as if I should have done more, and is never enough. Even though I don't let people connect with me, I connect to them to a degree, although I don't show it. I'm very protective of those I deem worthy of it, and would go to any lengths necessary to see they are safe. Although people see my as cynical and jaded(Myself as well), people have a natural gravitation to me, more-so people that are emotionally damaged than "normal" people. I have never really put much worth into my actions, or life, and had originally planned on going into anti-human trafficking, as such injustice angers me to no end. I was in a pre-naval training program that would allow me to enter any branch of the military as an E4, or possibly as an E5 because of other awards/recommendations etc. I've always been one to keep a level head, even in life or death situations I was un-phase-able. The issue is, I don't think I would pass a psych evaluation right now. Before, I was easily able to hide what was under the surface, and passed the psych evaluation with ease for the pre-naval training program.

Now I get to the anxiety attacks. My first attack was earlier this year, when my "sort of girlfriend", the first person I let close to me since I was young, had to go to the hospital with what seemed a serious condition. I had never felt so helpless in my life as then, I sat there starting at the wall panting, and sweating for a solid 15 hours before I passed out for an hour, and then went on for another 10-12 hours. Eventually it was nothing(thankfully), but it was still a horrible experience. We ended up separating because she wasn't very genuine in the end, and I just felt I needed to help her. Now comes the weird part. I play online games, and I used to stream myself playing high ranked League of legends games for fun(The game is like heroine, avoid it). Most people that know me, tell me I have a nice and soothing voice, and the first thing people would comment on when they watched me play, was how they enjoyed listening to me talk. I tend to research a lot of different subjects, and keep up with different governments laws and regulations and the likes. My most studied subject, is history, specifically WWII. It turned out that most of my viewers were female, and they actually just requested I read books, and I ended up reading Animal farm, and a book looking at the effects of WWII Japan's tactics in WWII. I'm not sure how to phrase it, without sounding boastful, so I'll just say it, I got hit on a lot(I'm not really the emotional type though, and you can never really know someone over the internet). But recently, I met this girl who seems to be the female version of myself in a lot of respects. She's very intelligent, she can get what I'm saying before I even say it(That has literally never happened before), and she has the same taste in a lot of things, including music(Vivaldi, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Handel, Corelli and even the very little modern music I enjoy). I had not voiced my taste in almost anything, and I just asked what she liked, and it happened to be the same. The only two major differences are that one, she believes in individuality, while I believe that no one is truly individual. And two, she is much more sexually vocal, while I'm very very reserved in that respect, as I try really hard not to see women as sexual objects(It's hard, but I manage to do it). So, she displayed a lot of interest in myself, and has been speaking to me on Skype. At first, I was speaking to her, because people that are similar to myself, are fundamentally damaged as people, and I like to help any way I can. But eventually I started letting my "carapace" down, and letting her really get to know and get close to me. But then I got this horrible thought that she was just trying to lead me on, and that she was like myself, and could read people, even over the internet. And since I had let my guard for the second time ever, I felt very vulnerable and like a turtle without it's shell. Then that thought, that maybe she was just leading me on began to fester, and fester. And now it's been nearly three days of myself having this tightness in my chest, and shaky nerves, I can't eat or sleep. Every time I sleep, I have a horrible dream about her being some farce and wake up sweating immensely after tossing for an hour or so. I feel very much out of place, and lost right now. I don't want to accuse her of being a farce, as I think it would drive a wedge, but I can't help but have this feeling. I'm feeling really REALLY strung out, and I don't have anyone to talk to, as I've always pushed everyone away. I tried working out, then taking a hot bath, but immediately after I went and used my punching bag bare knuckles for about an hour and a half till they were raw, but I'm still unable to sleep. I cant sleep because I'm strung out and anxious as all hell, but I'm becoming more strung out as I don't sleep. I feel as if I'm losing my mind slowly, and I'll slightly sleep while I'm actively thinking and my eyes are open. I had forgotten to mention that my family has a large history of depression  I'm not really expecting much, and this was really hard for me to type to complete strangers, one of the harder things I've ever done, but I really do need help of some sort(I'm not sure I believe in medication, as I have adverse reactions to almost anything, even over the counter allergy medications).

Sorry it's so long, but I did cut out a lot of non essential stuff.

Thanks.

Edit for content - no discussion of suicide attempts in the forum.  Sorry.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/29/2013 1:34:13 PM (GMT-7)

Hi propugnator and welcome.;)

I am sorry to read of the turmoil surrouding your current realtionship, and the anxiety that it is causing you at the moment.

Often times anxiety and/or depression can cause our filters to become cloudy and skewed. In other words, how we view circumstances/people may not be accurate...but a product of our stressed out and negative thinking.

Using some self-help coping skills to bring down your overall anxiety levels could allow you to see things in a more positive light.

In our Resources (main page,1st post) you will find many links, articles, on-line therapy and more to get you started of you so choose.

I would encourage you to give this a try, in order to help fascilitate the healthiest relationship possible with this girl. Another encouragement that I can give you...reaching out/trusting/loving does involve risk...but most of the wonderful things in life that bring us happiness do, right?

Keep posting with us if you find it helpful. We are always here to understand and listen. Support is key.;)

Scaredy Cat

Hi P

Welcome. Guess what - the simple things in life are never usually as horrible as we make them out to be. This visit from your lady friend is a wonderful thing. Sounds like you hit it off well with her and it's what you need. I bet you nothing you've been playing over in your head will likely materialize and you've spent your time all in a mumpy funk.

Get busy planning her visit!

Hope you are feeling better soon!

Joshua

Hmmm,

I am not sure what you mean when you refer to special ways...

The coping mechanisms, such as the ones found in our Resources take time and discipline. I know just from reading your few posts...that you have this in you.

Rather than putting energy into the punching bag, which is going to cause you more repeptitive stress injury...why not try a combination of less impact aerobic activity and Stress Reduction Techniques?

Walking, biking or swimming paired with Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Deep Breathing and Meditation can have a powerful effect.

Doing these daily for a week should find you showing improvement. The coping skills can be practiced up to three times a day for 15 minutes for maximum effect.

If you find that you are still suffering the effects of anxiety, then I would echo Kitt's advice, and recommend that you seek help in the form of therapy.

I have benefitted tremendously from CBT, personally.

I wish you the best, and hope that you can find your path to wellness, so that you can feel well and do all that you need and want to do in life.

Post with us anytime for support.

S.C.

I managed to get a few hours of sleep after gaining a level head. What helped me, was to contemplate and speak to someone about humanity's mortality, and how we choose to perceive it. Mainly discussing the fallibility of us all, and plunging into an esoteric state of mind about perception of the world around us. The conversation had an air of morbidity, but I think the realization that everything eventually comes to an end helped to calm me down. Thanks for the replies everyone.

Pro,
I'm no expert on relationships, being as I'm 49 and have never been in one. I'm an "avoider" BIG-time. You do NOT want to be like me, do you? I would think NOT. It's not a happy life and it sure isn't fulfilling. If I had been able to get help through therapy at your age, I believe that my life would've turned out a lot differently and probably a lot happier. The roots of my problems, like yours, began in childhood and like you, I was a very empathetic child. I am STILL a very empathetic person and even though I am glad that I care so much about other people's feelings, in my case, my empathy for my Mom was and is so extreme that I have always felt it my job and duty to never do anything to disappoint her and so forth....I won't go into any more of my baggage. Just know that by the time my problem manifested itself to the point of constant anxiety and not being able to eat or sleep and feeling sick all the time, all the talk therapy in the world wasn't able to get me back to a place where I could take ALL the steps I needed to take. I will forever regret that no one knew how to help me when I was 17 and had my first panic attack which prevented me from working my first (and basically last) job. No one knew how to help me when I freaked out about traveling to Disney. I managed through the week but didn't enjoy it like I had once dreamed. And I could go on and on. By the time I was 28 and was applying for disability, I was still phobic of life. Fast-forward 21 years and here I am, trying to get through each day, despite being somewhat bitter about all the "if onlys". I am telling you quite honestly that if you seek help NOW, you have a much better chance of enjoying your life. Don't live it in a vacuum. Don't live it in terror either. Talk therapy did help me to see some things about myself. and I am definitely better than I was years ago. I do have a life and enjoy some things, but still, it's not the life I wish I could've had. No matter what, if you seek help to deal with this problem you're having, whether you just get talk therapy and/or drug therapy, at least you'll never have to look back and say "why didn't I try way back then?"
My parents didn't know how to help me. We thought we couldn't afford mental health services when i was a teen. They thought I'd "grow out of it" or I"wasn't ready to leave the nest". Wow! How naive we all were! So you don't have an excuse now, Prop!
You may feel wary of seeking any sort of help, but let me tell you, it's a piece of cake compared to the alternative.
janet
PS-I so wish the best for you! Please don't waste your youth on being miserable when you don't necessarily have to! Don't fall through the cracks like I did! :(

I know all too well what you mean, prop. I went through deep clinical depression. Even through THAT, I still tried to be kind to others and not bring them down with me. Talk about trying to smile through the pain! OMG!!!
Get help. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and have everything to gain. No matter what happens, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you tried.
Hang in there and keep coming here. Lots of folks that are kind and even when they don't totally understand, they are understanding, if you know what I mean! ;)
janet

It wont take too many more days of not eating before you'll have to be in the hospital! Hope you are able to keep liquids down.

I feel for you... anxiety and depression are terrible. I think it would be a very good idea to get to a counselor or therapist as soon as possible. You will especially want to have some food in you and some coping strategies for when your lady friend arrives.

Can't imagine a bloody handed, emaciated guy, rambling about the fallibility of us all - will make a very good impression?

Sounds to me like your depression is getting the best of you and increasing your anxiety. I agree that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be very helpful to change (or at least recognize) some faulty thinking habits.

Good luck!

I'm glad that you've decided to speak with a professional.

I would consult with your PCP as well as perhaps a psychiatrist, and you can get a two-pronged approach to finding underlying causes.

Rapid weight loss like this can wreak havoc on your body. (I know you already know this!)

Let us know how you make out, and good luck!


M.

P.,

I too am glad to hear that you are going to be seeking some help and advice in order to feel your best.

This is a bold step, and one that you can feel good about...and one that I am sure you will not regret.

In the meantime, please continue to try the coping skills that are suggested here. It can be a frustrating experience starting off, I know...but they really will help is you keep at the practice.

As far as nutrition goes, can you keep down a supplimental shake? A meal replacement such as Ensure, or even Muscle Milk can give you the calories that you need, as well as key nutrients.

Try sipping them gradually, ice cold. This tends to work for most people.

Good job on staying distracted with your ring project. If you are able to attach a photo file, you are welcome to share it with us.

Let us know when you get an appointment!

S.C.

Yeah that's fine, I actually took a quarter and smacked it with a hammer against an anvil side of a vice and polished and shaped it out with some tools. I've also done it with a washer. I have cast things before, but I actually haven't cast a ring though(Yet).

I can get frustrated with small talk as well. I think that our minds are constantly occupied with bigger concerns and thoughts...and the 'affront' of banal chatter is often too much to bear.

However, this is an internal issue, and one that we must seek to overcome, as most people are just doing what is a social 'norm' and what is generally considered polite.

Your intake session will require a certain amount of this type of interaction, so preparing yourself accordingly will be a good step.

Going in knowing that communication is an essential part of the process will probably help you to tolerate it a bit more.

Finding a mental help specialist that matches your intellect and personality will also be a good goal. It may take more than one attempt, so keep in mind...it can be a 'shopping experience.'

Best wishes in this step!

S.C.

So, my birthday is tomorrow, and it turns out my family is throwing me a party. This is not normal in the least, since I haven't had a birthday party since I was very young, and I'm not looking forward to going to this party. I resent most of my family, and I really don't want to sit there at a party with all of them while being the center of attention.