How to deal with a narcissistic mother and lack of courage?

Hello. This might be a long story.

I am 27 years old, female, living at home with my mother. It is mutually beneficial currently. I suffer from a myriad of physical diseases and also severe anxiety. She on the other hand can barely do anything on her own due to extreme obesity, so I basically take care of all her daily needs.

She has been emotionally abusive towards me all my life. It is really tough to explain, because they might seem like minor things, and honestly they are. But she explodes over every little thing and THAT is exactly what makes daily life so rough. I try to have a normal day, but if I ask her what flavor yogurt she wants, she might yell at me for 10 minutes straight for not remembering what flavor she likes.

I have always been demeaned. She says she prefer her sisters children over me. Told me she wishes I was dead and told me she wishes she left me at my physically abusive father when she divorced him. She says I should be grateful she has not shot me and that it makes her a good mother because any other mother would already have shot me. She sends messages to my boyfriend about me in hopes of breaking us up and removing the only truly happy relationship I have ever had in my life. Yesterday, she came into the bathroom while I was washing my hands and beat them with a bottle. I whacked her arm back in self defense. Then she called her sister and told her I beat her up. It truly feels like the last straw..

Now here's the thing. I am very afraid of living this house but I am also afraid of leaving the house.

- I have never had a job. My job has been to be her caretaker and servant. I don't know if I know how to have a job.

- Due to both physical and mental issues, having a job seems like actually physically impossible to me. Diseases include epilepsy with frequent seizures, asthma, and some weird neck problem that causes me massive headaches, dizziness and nausea and more. Anxiety is social anxiety, being afraid of people and how they react to me, because nobody has ever reacted positively.

- I am afraid of leaving her because she survives because of me. If I leave from here, I am fairly sure she will literally die. How can a person deal with knowing the fact that they effectively cause the death of their mother?

- I feel I might die, too. Without anyone checking upon me when I get seizures or asthma attacks, they might be fatal. Should I really risk being alone?

- I feel afraid of me being condemned the insane one. In public and in the presence of family or friends or even strangers, she behaves perfectly. Like a top class citizen. She also calls people every now and then, like her sister, and tell them lies about my behavior. I know many people who are completely convinced I am a malicious crazy person. What if I somehow get locked up in jail? Or a mental institution? Who will ever listen to me?

So... hmm.. IDK what I am even asking. I need courage. How do I gain it? Is it worth to try to manage alone?

My counselor gave me a sentence that's a powerful tool for dealing with narcissism without being overly mean. It's not as sweet as Larry, but it isn't terribly mean. ;)

"I won't accept/engage this conversation."

Whether you simply remind yourself not to engage in an unhealthy dialogue or literally let the person know that you won't engage in the dialog, it's definitely a powerful tool for protecting yourself. You can identify whether something being said is unhealthy or useful. If it is useless or unhealthy, try to learn to let your mind just blow it away like the seeds of a dandelion. You can't decide what someone says to you, but you can decide whether you internalize it or not. Takes practice, but it can be done.

In other words, sometimes you don't have to separate from someone - just certain behaviors of theirs.

Do you go to counseling? That might be an option.

Hugs!

Hi Sarabi,

I am so sorry to hear all that you are enduring. I agree with the others, and the above advice, and would just add one thing:

Have you discussed your mother's behavior with her doctor? I would seek to do this to get a medical opinion, as she could be suffering a mental illness, or the beginning stages of a disease that is causing this irrational behaviour (mental illness, early onset dementia or possibly Alzheimer's?)

I would document all of this, as you make attempts to pave the way for independant living for yourself. This is really the only way that you can start to be in a healthy environment for you...while still protecting and providing for her.

Finding a balance of doing what you need to do as a daughter, but also looking out for your own best interest is a good goal to outline for yourself...and I encourage you to work on this.

We will be here for your support...so let us know how we can help.

S.C.