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Posted 3/24/2014 8:10 AM (GMT 0)
I'm just at the end of my rope. I really feel like there is no hope for me. My anxiety and panic attacks are coming much more frequently and they make me feel so ill. I'm almost unable to complete daily tasks. I might make it to the shower but I never fix my hair or put makeup on. I live in sweats and yoga pants because I just don't care anymore. I force myself to eat small bits but I feel horrible after eating. It makes me not want to eat. I'm terrified to leave my house. I'm falling into a depression because of this. I'm always tired. I'm having strange thoughts. I've been thinking everything in life is just a big conspiracy. I have lost interest in just about everything. I can barely read anything because I just can't focus.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just can't handle it anymore either.
Posted 3/24/2014 8:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi! I'm so sorry your feeling like this. I have felt like that before and there very negative feelings. It sounds like your also depressed. Why do t you get out a journal and start writing in it? It can be the same word over and over again it doesn' matter. I started doing this and it helps lift you out of some negative thoughts your feeling or whatever it may be. At least it did for me I hope it will help you out eventually. If you ever need to talk I'll be here.
-AJR
Posted 3/24/2014 9:55 AM (GMT 0)
dear bakomom, i, of course, am not a doctor, but if you are feeling this way consistently, i believe you need to see your doctor straight away and tell them emphatically, how bad you are feeling. get someone to take go with you to the doctor if you doubt your ability to get the message across. something isn t working for you, and, assuming you are trying your best to use the coping and relaxation skills that have been taught in the resource section of this site, it may be that your meds need adjusting. i am praying for you and yours, and hope that you can find help very soon, blessings
Posted 3/24/2014 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bakomom

Good to meet you but sorry to read you are having problems at the moment it sounds to me like you are quite depressed but remember I am not a doctor so just my opinion. I suggest if you can go and see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and see what they say.

I can relate to what you said re everything being a big conspiracy as I get that feeling all the time especially when I am feeling depressed I think it's called disassociation but don't quote me on that.

Are you on any medication? There are lots that can help with anxiety & depression. Speak with your doctor regarding getting refered to some talking therapies such as CBT or Mindfulness as they have great success in helping people who have anxiety and depression by teaching you coping strategies. I am currently doing a CBT course and would highly recommend it and I know other here have also had good results with it.

Keep posting here and let us support you through this tough time we are here to listen and help were we can.

Take Care

Hibee
Posted 3/24/2014 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
bakomom,

I am sincerely sorry you are having such an awful time.  I have been where you are and for me it took medication and therapy plus a lot of acceptance that anxiety and depression are disorders that I have and not who I am.

Depression is a disease. Negativity is a state of mind. Your body is made to fight disease and push on. What happens when your disease is in your control center though? In your brain? Well, you have to fight it yourself.

First things first, you must stop thinking negatively. "but I'm so sad-" No. Stop. I can tell you right now, if you stop being submissive to depression you will start to feel a lot better. You are not a mood disorder. You are you. Your depression is not a part of you, it is simply something you deal with.


Now that you've accepted that you are not going to think negatively and begin to live in the present and do things that are worth while like going outside and do volunteer work or maybe start doing art or writing poetry, something that makes you feel good when you look back on it, you need to start eradicating negativity from your life.

The most important thing is love yourself. I don't care if your fat or you think you're ugly or you annoy people. Find a way to love yourself. Spend some time alone getting to know yourself. If you see things you don't like, work to change them. Spiritually, mentally; focus on growth.

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand and are  serious problems, but you are not alone. And remember, negativity attracts negativity. If you learn to be positive, you will begin to attract positive people, but if you are looking to make a friend you may have to cross comfort boundaries and be the first to say hello.

I would really like you to see a psychiatrist and try medication.  The medication will help settle things down so you can work with coping skills to learn how to live with your issues.

People from all walks of life suffer with mental health disorders - you are not alone and you will get better.  Sometimes it takes medication.  There is no shame in taking medication.

I am here for you and I support you.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Posted 3/24/2014 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
I echo what everyone has said. You need to take the positive step to begin to get help. We have all felt at one time as you do. The difference is many of us have sought help from others. We've used doctors, therapists, medications, and the support of people on this site. You would probably be surprised to know how many people suffer with mental issues. All those happy people at Starbucks? All of them are not happy. Many people suffer. And even with help there will be times that are worse than others. But you have to keep pushing on. I wake up with anxiety every morning. But I refuse to give in. I will take the meds prescribed to me and continue my therapy knowing there will be ok days and even some good ones. But it takes work. I will always have anxiety and depression. But I will control it as best I can. If I do nothing it wins. And I'm not going to let it beat me. Come to this board often. Read the struggles we all have and get strength from us. There's strength in numbers!!
Posted 3/24/2014 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
Bako,

Is there anything that you can do, at some point in your day, that you feel brings you even just a single ray of light?

Like many have already said, I, too, have been where you are, and I can definitely identify, only too well, with what you describe. I know that tunnel can look terribly long, and I know what it feels like to believe we're existing solely on our very last nerve and have nothing to spare.

Help and support can come from surprising sources.

Definitely communicate with your doctor and be honest and upfront, tell them this is urgent, explain your willingness and desire for help. Ask for referrals if you need to, but what I've found, at least for me, is the combination of meds with supervision, therapy, and (yeah, yeah, exercise)....help.

The most challenging thing has been forcing myself to get out of my shell, our of my house, our of my self, and be willing to be social with other people, even if it's for 30 minutes,....even when I'd rather sit in the house with all the shades pulled wearing my baggy sweats or jammies. I've been there,...and I still visit that place.

It does get better. It can get better. It's hard, but it takes a little courage to reach out and ask....





M.
Posted 3/24/2014 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,
I am new to this forum, but wanted to let you know how courageous you are to talk about your anxiety issues. I have suffered low level depression & moderate anxiety all of my adult life. Last June after a living situation became unbearable for me, I was prescribed Paxil & Wellbutrin. The Paxil decreased my anxiety but caused bad side effects. I have read many self-help and spiritual books which all made sense & were somewhat helpful, but I would fall back into a negative thinking pattern very easily leaving me more frustrated. Four months I found Y V Chawla, a little known author from India that rocked my world. He is the first person to explain my mind in a way that I could understand. He says that our minds are very limited (1st person to tell me that!) and should be used only in a functional & objective way (learning or remembering something etc.). Our minds are so programmed that we should not go to our thoughts to solve psychological problems. So when we are anxious, irritated, frustrated or angry do not try to explain, blame or complain the feelings away. Just be with the emotions & your mind will absorb them. I used to go into internal rages when I would do household chores because I thought others in my family should be helping me. So one day doing the dishes, I quickly recognized the anger within my body and instead of complaining or blaming, I just stopped & said out loud "Wow are you angry!!!! I did not go to my thoughts to explain the how or why of the anger which is typically what I would do. To my utter surprise the anger diminished. I knew I was on to something! Next I started with my morning wake-up which I typically feel a sense of dread. Again, I felt the dread & anxious feelings and just sat with them not going to the thoughts about how I could get rid of them (because they're so darn painful!). Little by little the anxiety has disappeared in the morning & I am now waking in a good mood. When my husband says things to me which make me angry I start recognizing my own programming (conditioning) without complaining, blaming or explaining. My relationships with family and friends have changed because i realize I can't do anything about their programming. Boy, did that take the pressure off of me. Mr Chawla says that we treat painful emotions as alien & pleasurable ones as desirable. But they are both a necessary part of life. What I never realized is that our minds are always going to comfort, security & certainty which explained my compulsions to overeat, watch excessive amounts of TV & gamble. Those compulsions just disappeared after this new "understanding." Another cool thing that has happened is I now feel like learning new things. My brain used to feel so clogged up with thoughts (mainly negative) that it felt like there wasn't room in my brain to learn a new skill. The fatigue that has plagued me for so long has disappeared too. Negative thoughts are so draining on our energy! Anyway, this is just one person's experience & I hope it is helpful. Mr Chawla has a website and videos on Youtube which you may find useful. Take care and good luck. KK
Posted 3/25/2014 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
I have seeked help from every angle. I am on medication. I have been to therapy. I seeked spiritual healers. I have a large collection of spiritual, mental help, all sorts if books I've read. I've tried exercise, meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and biofeedback. I haven't found any help. I wish I could get in to see my doctor. But my HMO has cut funding on behavior health and they are low on staffing so it's hard to get appointments. I have one for April 23 which is the soonest I can get in and there is 4 people scheduled at the same time as me because of staffing issues.

I'm planning something drastic for me as long as my husband will let me. My plan is to take a day or two this weekend to break away completely. To completely disconnect. I have a bag packed. My plan is to get away and try to reflect on me. I plan on hopping on my bike and see where the roads take me. I plan on leaving all electronics aside from my iPod shuffle for music. But just to ride and rest, ride and rest. Hopefully I can find a peaceful place to lay and relax and try to redirect my energy. I don't know if it sounds logical. But to me it does. To get away from the kids. To get away from the noise. Get away from tvs, computers, tablets, my phone. Just completely shut off.

I just don't know what else to do. I can't take being like this everyday.

Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate it. Nobody understands me. Nobody tries. I feel alone and trapped so much.
Posted 3/25/2014 10:02 AM (GMT 0)
Bakomom, what are you anxious about?
Posted 3/25/2014 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
Bako,

Bear with me because I tend to be one of those who will play Devil's Advocate periodically. The only purpose is to encourage contemplation, not to pass judgment, okie dokie?

A little hiccup of concern I feel is it can appear you're trying to run away from your anxiety,....and I want to make sure you understand those situations will still be there when you come back... What are your plans to deal with them at that time?

I do believe we all need places and times for self-reflection, we all need get-aways and private time....but it's something, I believe anyway, we need to encorporate on a regular basis, not as a last ditch effort when we feel the road has run out. That is what concerns me.

You can just as easily "disconnect" from all electronics without going away (btw: for the record, I do the same thing,...I think it's healthy to take a tech-break and just remember what it's like to be human again!).

Is there a reason you feel you cannot do one without the other?

What are your plans for when you come back from this bike ride? My concern also lies with your safety...being alone on a bike ride for....how long? I would worry if something were to happen....Perhaps a bike ride with a trusted friend, not to interfere with your journey but simply for companionship and for safety?

I do understand that how we deal with stress and anxiety is personal and unique to each of us. But as part of our HW family, it goes without saying you have members here who care for your well-being, and part of that caring means we're going to ask questions and express concern. It's what family does!






M.
Posted 3/25/2014 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi BKM.,

I just wanted to send my encouragement. I know that you are going through a tough time at the moment. I also know how it feels to think that things are never going to get better. I am sending hugs and encouragement your way today.

If I remember correctly...the last time you went away (for the spa weekend) you had some rough spots...but came back in general feeling pretty good afterward?

You give a lot of yourself! Homeschooling 3 boys...taking care of your household, dealing with your dad/exteneded family...all while trying to manage your anxiety? A very big oder to fill...everday!

If you need some 'ME' time, I would not feel the least bit guilty. Just please be careful, as Merrida mentioned!

Know that we are here for you.

S.C.
Posted 3/26/2014 7:29 AM (GMT 0)
That's my whole point SC.

I have a maximum of 1-2 hours to myself everyday. I generally spend that hour or so trying to wake and adjust to my new day. I may get a chance to sit quietly and have a cup of coffee. But my days are repetitive and depressing. I get up. Within 30 minutes I'm starting to pick up a little. Then I get the kids books ready for the day. Then I wake up the kids. Clean and battle with them over their lessons. Fixing stuff for them to eat. If my husbands home then there's more of a battle because he wants me to shove more work in their face and I'll be upset because he makes me feel like a weak failure. So I continue to clean. When I'm done I go over the kids work and then maybe I'll make it to the shower. By then I have more messes to clean up because while I was doing other things my 3 yr old was making another disaster. So then I have to clean that up. I have to feed animals and clean cages. By then I have to plan dinner. If I forgot to take something out that means I gotta run to the store and find something quick to whip up. Then after cooking dinner I gotta clean all the dishes. By then my 3 yr old has tore up the house again. I pick up major stuff then if I didn't shower in the day I'll shower that night. At that point I gotta send the kids to bed which is a big battle. I end up in bed in total pain or feeling sick from my anxiety and tiredness. But my night isn't over because my 3 yr old refuses to sleep. He's typically up until 1-2. If I turn everything off he turns it all back on. Sometimes I end up passing out before him.

I'm worn out. I rarely get away and if I do it's just to get to the grocery store or pay a bill. My anxiety has me so trapped I've become afraid to be in public. I'm afraid to leave my house half the time.

I would love to go back to that spa. But that was probably a once in a lifetime moment. I no longer have my friends. Most have moved away or we just drifted apart because of different lifestyles. My husband is gone all the time and when he's home he wants me home of course. I only have my dad to watch my kids but in most cases Id rather him not. I'm looking forward to my plan and ride. I'm not afraid. I know deep inside I'd be safe. I know there's crazies out there. But I really need to get away from everything. I need to find a different perspective. I need the quiet to think. I need the time and quietness to try and tune into myself a little more. See what I see, feel what I feel. Maybe I can have a memory of me. The me before I became who I am right now. I've had my anxiety, depression and phobia for years. But it never affected me this bad. The only difference I can see right now is the kids, lifestyle and no longer having my mom.
Posted 3/26/2014 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
When I read your post, two things happened.

One, I felt exhausted. Purely exhausted. And all I did was read. To do all of that every day.

Two, I'm speechless. I'm also greatly humbled. (Takes a lot to get me speechless, I'm a yapper).

Please let us know what your plans are...we care about you.




M.
Posted 3/28/2014 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks M.

I am exhausted. I'm 32 but feel 72. I'm in pain everyday from what one doctor says fybromyalgia, the othe says the arthritis in my neck, and I have bad back pain from having so many curves in my spine.

My house is a mess right now but I'll deal with it in the morning. I'm so exhausted right now. I have a bad anemia problem. Has to do with my bone marrow. I gave up on iron pills because I took them for so long yet my blood won't get better. Doctors just blow it off so I guess it's not that big of a concern. But I started my period yesterday and I'm super heavy so I think it adds to my anemia tiredness.

I'm gonna curl up in bed and watch my tv shows I missed because tonight's football was at 8:30 and the guy gave me the wrong directions and I ended up driving around looking for the new place for 45 min then I just gave up. Big waste of time.
Posted 3/28/2014 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi BKM.,

I really hope that you can carve out some time for yourself this weekend.

Know that we are thinking of you and hope that you find some rest and time to decompress.

Perfectly clean house? What's that?!?! ;p

S.C.
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