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Problem with my hubby

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 4/8/2014 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi! New here. Sorry this might be a bit long. I have some pretty bad health anxiety which I have had for as long as I can remember. I worry endlessly that I (or one of my children) have some deathly illness (mostly cancer). The last few years, I have gotten worse. I have read several self help books. I have been to therapy a few times. Currently, I've been in CBT for the last 4 months. Despite constant work and mental focus trying all of the things my therapist tells me to do, I have not really improved.

My therapist believes I need medication in addition to therapy because "years of anxiety has engrained certain pathways in my brain that need to be reset by medication." I have never taken a single anxiety medication because my husband and I have always been all natural kinda people.

A few months ago, I had a 2 week stretch leading up to a medical test where my anxiety was INSANE 24/7 as I had fully convinced myself I had terminal cancer. During that period of utter torture, I was desperate for any relief from my suffering. My dr prescribed a benzo but my husband refused to let me take it. I begged and pleaded with him but he could not move past all of the side effects he read about. We've always had a policy in our 15 yr relationship where either one of us could veto something if they felt strongly against it. That has worked for us until now. I told him I felt I might have no choice but to get the medication and take it behind his back (I have never lied to him in my life). He told me he would know, and if I did, I couldn't be trusted to care for our kids, and he would take them away from me. He knows my kids are my life and so I did not take the medicine.

I am angry that he made me suffer so much and I can't get over it. He doesn't understand what it feels like to be inside my brain so I don't feel like he should have a strong say in whether or not the side effects are worth it. He thinks he's doing what's best for me and my children and that I will thank him later. He thinks drugs aren't the answer and I just need to keep doing therapy. I've expressed an interest in trying an anti-depressant and he tells me he will never let me. I love him and he is truly a wonderful husband (and amazing father) in every way except this one.

I am so sad and conflicted. My husband is the only person in my life that knows about my anxiety because I am a very private person, so I have no one else to even talk to. Hoping someone can give me some advice.

Thanks!
Posted 4/8/2014 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Loma. Sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having. It sounds like your husband cares a lot about you, but is handling the situation, and his fears about it, very badly. You have the right to decide what prescribed medications you will -- or will not -- take. This is an important decision, but it is YOUR decision, not your husband's decision, or anyone else's. A threat to take your kids away is a form of abuse, and it is not under any circumstances appropriate. I would not suggest that you take the medication "behind his back" or that you lie to him about it. That will only create distrust. Instead, if you decide to take a prescribed medication, I would tell him "I respect your views greatly and your opinion matters to me, but this is a very personal decision that affects my health, and I need to do what I believe, after consulting with capable doctors, will help me get better." And then tell him what you are doing, and do it. I would not ask permission. You do not need permission. Another possible approach would be to ask your husband to meet with you and the doctor who prescribed the medication, so your husband can hear from the doctor directly why this medication is appropriate and likely to help you. Yet another approach would be to go with your husband to some counseling, so you could resolve this issue in a way that does not damage your marriage, but allows your husband to express his fears and concerns, and you to express your perspective. Done well, this could help bring you together rather than pull you apart.

I am no expert. You should probably take my advice with a grain of salt. I am dealing with my own anxiety, and my own marital issues, and I certainly don't have all the answers. But I hope maybe some of what I said helps. Stay well, and do what is in YOUR best interest. Best wishes, Medved
Posted 4/8/2014 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Medved! I cried instantly when I started reading your response because it just feels really good to have someone tell me they understand my perspective.
Posted 4/8/2014 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
I currently am going threw the opposite problem. I'm terrified to take medication and due to my anxiety I have trouble swallowing a variety of things and at some points everything especially pills but my husband pushes the medication issue frequently. But i do understand not having someone who understands what you are going threw. I have friends that also have anxiety, just not quite to the extenet i seem to have it. But to try and explain what i'm feeling on a day to day basis to someone who doesn't know what it is like inside my head or body i feel like people think im crazy, even family. I do sometimes feel my anxiety is to an extent harming my children in the sense that i dont feel i give then the attention they deserve to have. I dont feel i do enough things fun things with them for fears of something happening to me or them. I wanty kids to have great memorable childhoods which i dont feel i am providing them. I have alot of the same feelings you have about health issues for myself, my children amd my husband, yet im afraid to go to the dr myself for fear of my fears being real. But I'm getting off track here, sorry, the point of my post is perhaps explain to your husband you feel medication could improve not just your life but also your childrens, if you feel that way of course. I do agree with taking him with you to the Dr that prescribed the medication so he/she so they can explain why they are prescribing it and he can voice his opinions and concerns and have the Dr address and perhaps make him more comfortable or open to you taking it to at least see if out helps you. I hope everything works out for you and your family in the end. :-)
Posted 4/8/2014 4:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Loma and welcome.

I am so sorry to hear of your current anxiety and the situation in your relationship that is likely adding to your burden.

Medved had advised you very well, I and also encourage you to have both your doctor and therapist educate your husband about the misconceptions that he has regarding medication.

I see red flags in the language of 'allow me to' 'won't let me' and most of all the threats of taking your children from you. This is 2014 afterall, and you have every right to take care of yourself in any way that YOU see fit.

Please advocate for yourself and exert control in your medical care and recovery.

We are here to support you, so keep posting with us!

Scaredy Cat
Posted 4/8/2014 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Loma,

I am truly sorry you are in this difficult situation ~ perhaps it is time to take the "veto" rule out of your marriage.  It may work on buying a new car but when it comes to your health, as long as you are alert and oriented only you have the right to choose to take or not take medication.

In Latin, veto means "I forbid". 

The law of unintended consequence is as universal and as inescapable as the law of gravity, and is certainly more than capable of causing huge issues in your marriage. The most common example of unintended consequence can be found in relationships which have "veto" rules permitting one partner to veto another partner's decision. 

Perhaps your husband likes you to be submissive and subservient but I feel you can talk with one another and come to a new understand of how to make your marriage work without the veto rule.

I am the Mother of 4 children and went through a divorce when I had 3 little children - I would have fought like a Mother Bear if anyone suggested they would keep my children away from me - however, my ex wanted no part of being a single Dad so no problem there.

I do understand how hurt and degraded you may be feeling after your husbands words. When you feel up to it, try to explain to him how you felt when he told you "no" you could not take the meds.  If he goes on the defense, hold up your hand and simply say, "I am walking away now as you are upset and I cannot talk with you under these circumstances".

Kindly,

Kitt

 

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