SoulNHealingFirst draft of my book - LOL
First of all my friend, I am here for you and I cannot say I understand your pain but I know pain. I also know happiness and I suspect that you do too.
I want you to know that there is nothing shameful about the feelings associated with anxiety or depression. They are real and valid feelings, and ignoring or dismissing them is not the answer. Isolating yourself is punishing yourself for a disorder that you have and you have done nothing to be punished for.
I am not sharing this for the purpose of asking for sympathy but to help you see that bad things happen to good people and you and I are both good people.
My birth mother died when I was 22 months old.
My 2 half sisters and one half brother moved far away from me while I was placed with my Grandmother. My Father and I moved into a tumbledown 3 room house with my Grandparents so my Dad could help my Grandmother and she took care of me. This was in 1947 when things were tough all over. My Dad had an 8th grade education. Our house had no indoor plumbing and sat on the banks of a river that flooded every spring as it was on an island.
I was a happy little one as I loved my Dad and my Grandmother - my Grandfather was a alcoholic.
In 1950 my Dad married my step mother and things got tougher as I tried to be all that my stepmother wanted but I could not fill the shoes of her own son that drowned at the age of 12.
I always had my Dad and he was the one person who loved me just the way I was. My Grandmother died shortly after my Dad remarried so there went my Mother figure number 2. 
In 1963 I married young - 17 years old and my stepmother was pleased to see me move 150 miles away.
My first marriage ended after 7 years and 3 wonderful children so I took my children moved to the town I still live in, rented a house, got a job in a factory and went about taking care of my children 2 boys and 1 girl. 
In 1970 after several brief horrible relationships I met the love of my life and we are together 44 years later. We have had wonderful times but some really heart crushing years too.
My 4th child was born in 1972 so now I had 3 boys and a girl. In 1976 my hubby was dx with serious Crohn's disease and over the years he has had many surgeries for Crohn's as well as Prostate Cancer. But we kept pushing through.
I went back to school and got my degree in nursing which led me to a wonderful career. I love being a nurse.
1982 was the year my anxiety/depression made itself known and out of no where I crashed and could not function. Why me was a question I begged to understand. With medication and therapy I pulled out of the low points but never really healed 100%.
In January of 1985 my Dad was dx with pancreatic cancer and died within 2 weeks..............I was 39 and not only did I not have my Father, my children lost the Grandfather they worshiped.
We all did good until a warm sunny Sunday in August of 1990 when the Deputy Sheriff rang our doorbell! I opened the door and behind the officer was a car with a priest getting out. My world came crashing down as our 21 year old son and his best friend were killed in a car crash just 22 miles from home. From that day forward I would remember my Todd when things got tough and anxiety/depression spiked. I had made myself a promise - to devote my career to Todd - in memory of him. All these years later I still cry for this one child that should have out lived his Mother.
From 1990 until 2005 life chugged along nicely until November of 2005 when I had a major depressive episode and ended up taking early retirement from the job I loved. I spent the next 18 months working with my Psychiatrist, taking meds and trying to get back in the main stream of living. Life felt like he$$ on earth. I refused to go out with friends as I was so afraid of being what I thought was abnormal.
I finally got better. I had always maintained contact with my sisters and brother even though they lived 550 miles from me. On Thanksgiving Day in 2007 my oldest sister died of a massive bleed after open heart surgery. My other sister and I were with her.
In 2008 my other sister was dx with terminal ovarian cancer and after a brave fight she died the end of April 2009. I had spent 10 months with her at the U of MN Cancer Center and I will always be thankful for the time I had with her.
To make matters tougher our brother died on April 6th, 2009 from Cirrhosis of the Liver. We did not know he was sick. In 17 months I had lost my siblings to horrible diseases.
And the frosting on the cake.............I was dx on 8/10/2012 with a large cancerous colon tumor with metastasis. My prognosis = I will need to be on chemotherapy for life. Surgery and all have been done for the tumor but chemo is not holding back the cancer.
And again, I ask why me? I think I was chosen so I could devote time to helping others and I find that helping others gives me a purpose in life as I have been with HW since 2007.
If your sitting there wondering why is she telling me all of this...............hopefully to encourage you to keep looking for ways to recover, living our lives in the past keeps the pain strong and sharp. Staying in the present helps us deal with just one day at a time.
Is there and inpatient/outpatient where you can receive treatment as I suspect you need intense therapy?
It breaks my heart picturing you sitting alone and feeling so afraid and sad. Please don't hide; keep talking with us. Getting your words out and knowing someone is listening is much better than living alone in your head.
I am praying for you and have asked others to pray for you.
Please believe I care and when the going gets tough............write your feelings here. Meanwhile look for some help - try county assistance programs...
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt