Sleeping "with" anxiety?

Okay, here goes....

My anxiety and panic have been through the roof lately. My "mother" and her ex-husband are suing me and my Husband. Hubby's handling this with calm and working everything out....

Me? It fueled the pre-existing vitriolic feelings I have toward her, rekindled the anger, and when her ex calls, just hearing his voice sends my BP up (I can feel it), my heart's racing, I can't sleep and when I do, -- it's for about 3 hours. (Thank you Xanax)

Then I'm up, and go back to bed. This is when it strikes. Even though I'll catch spots of quasi-sleep, I'm having semiconscious panic attacks during my sleep. I wake up shaking, and it takes ages to sort of get over it. (Thank you Xanax).

I've dealt with some pretty traumatic (for me) things, scary (for me) things,....and I've come (for me) so far in 2 years.....to think THIS is what's shaking me to my core and setting me back.

Haven't really had a decent night's sleep, I'm all over the place. My only really happy place where I'm not thinking about this whole deal is when I get to go to the gym/PT. (That's my Happy Place). Even as I write this (just "woke up" for the 2nd time 30 minutes ago) and I'm still trembling, missing the keys as I type.

Bah. Just needed to whine maybe? Thanks for listening....









M.

M.,

I don't understand how families ...especially a mother/child...can sue each other.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, on top of everything else that you have been put through.

I wish you resolution in your favor, and healing from the continued hurts.

I do hope that you can somehow get the rest that you need as well.

We are standing in support with you.

S.C.

Thank you everyone. Perhaps now it becomes more clear why I clung so tightly to my reference as HW as being my extended Family. When the one you're born to is this callous,...and HW comes along (I'm not sure how I happened upon here, but am so glad I did), the compassion is priceless.

I should have learned. I guess I'm a slow learner.

My "mother" sued my best friend at 14 when we tied our horses to a tree in the yard and her horse rubbed his bridle against the bark and damaged the tree. She did it by giving me the papers, not telling me what they were, and just said, "Give these to Betsey when you get to school."

And that,....as they say,...was that.

I kept trusting. I feel stupid for thinking my own "birth mother" would do this,....she she's always been cold and calculating, everything is about the bottom line and business, there's no feeling, no soul, just ice....

And to think, a few months ago (we've been estranged for ages), she came to visit all supposedly concerned when I got my cancer diagnosis. Uh huh. I can see that carried deep.

So to any of the other members who have posted about having toxic and painful relationship parents with their mothers, please know I understand.

And thank you for this solace....









M.

Merrida, Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. This is one of those times where you will have to draw on all your strength and accept that this phenomenon of feeling un-mothered is the real  deal and she falls into the category of mothers who are not maternal. Letting go of your anxiety re your Mother's Personality Disorder is something you can do once you accept that she is not going to change. There are many technical explanations which you will be able to find, but at its simplest, somebody with a Personality Disorder is someone whose brain is somehow wired differently from the rest of us, and so they act in ways which are abnormal and dysfunctional by the standards of most humans.  People with Personality Disorders are not insane. They are sane, and fully aware of what they do, and also are probably aware that society does not approve of these actions. But they don't care. They think the rules do not apply to them. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers  can be living a nightmare without ever realizing what's going on. And also even when they do realize what's going on, none of their circle can understand and they get told, "But she's your mother! " This can leave  a person feeling  so isolated. My birth mother died in a car crash when I was 22 months old and from there I went to live with my wonderful, loving and gentle Grandmother until I was 5 years old.  My Dad married my step-mom who had been through some personal traumatic losses.  My expectations centered around having a loving Mom who would read to me, bake cookies with me, ETC.  That did not happen and I was well into my 50s before I realized why I was a person with high anxiety, depression, feelings of never being good enough, not pretty, and most of all stupid and not loved. My Psychiatrist told me one day that she felt I was a "daughter without a Mother" and I was devastated to understand what she meant which explained why I reacted the way I do in personal situations. I finally realized after all these years that my Mother had  narcissistic personality disorder. My Mother  rarely said right out that she thought I was inadequate. Instead, any time  I told  her I had  done something good, she countered with something she or one of my cousins had done at my age  that was better or she simply ignored me. Many of her putdowns were simply by comparison. She talked about how wonderful someone else was or what a wonderful job they did on something you had also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She had let  me know that I was no good without saying a word. She would slam me to other people, but would always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for Kitt. I know she is fat but I do all that I can to try to stop her from over eating, even hide the cookies but she finds them and eats the whole bag.  I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) This was at a family gathering at our home during Thanksgiving dinner at the table. I rest my case but I feel terrible for you Merrida going through what you are.  From what I know, you are a wonderful, generous, kind and caring person.  You give of yourself willingly to help others and you are doing the best you can dealing with your cancer.   There is no right or wrong way to accept cancer and the fear and anxiety that results with a cancer dx and your treatments cause you to feel fragile.  The last thing you needed was your abusive Mother to swoop down to try to make life miserable for you as perhaps she is jealous that others are trying to help you and care for you and she wants what she wants even at the expense of harming her daughter. You are 100% right, you are family here, a sister to all of us and we will protect you as best we can. As hard as it will be, you must know you have done nothing to be treated this way by your Mother.  In therapy e xamining wher e my core values came from the  tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of my  Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting..............that was because there was no closeness, rocking or being told, Mommy loves you. Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.  Thank you over and over for the fun cards and the gifts.  You are a gem, a blessing and we are lucky to have you as part of this family. Love, Kitt

Kid you have always seemed to be one of those people that you
better not ask an honest opinion of because you will sure get it.

Good for you, either stay in the moment or move forward, there
is nothing behind for any of us.

May you always walk in the light, with the wind at your back and
all the hills in your life be down hill, Peace
Larry ***