Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I've been trying to find an active forum for a couple weeks, I'm really scared.
I thought I conquered my anxiety/panic/DP, but it's back with a fury. about
10 yrs ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder and GAD. I white-knuckled it for a couple months before starting to take xanax. I was so afraid and had to regain control over my life again. I was afraid of everything--driving, stores, restaurants, pretty much anywhere I could have a panic attack, I guess a textbook case. The DP was the worst. The unreal feelings tended to be what set off the anxiety the most, I try so hard to just accept them as part of this disorder, but its super hard for me to do. But after taking xanax for a while and forcing myself to go out and do all the exposure I needed to stop being agoraphobic, it went away. I have been fine for nearly a decade, but on benzos. I cant tolerate SSRI's.
I felt so 'normal' again, I thought I could do everything normal people do, like have kids...
The pregnancy was unplanned, but not entirely prevented. I did get scared the first month I knew, but made the choice to keep him. As scary as it was, I wanted this, and my anxiety was staying under control. Until now. In retrospect I see where I started to unravel. I started to get obsessed with some physical sensations, was getting more nervous, and it was like I knew my nerves were getting worse but I guess I just felt it would pass. I'd get uneasy/light-headed around baby-related things, like the whole thing was surreal, and I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact I was going to have a baby. I thought that would pass too. I did wean off nearly all my xanax so I was going through life almost benzo free and was doing ok for most of the pregnancy.
Now its like I dont even know who I am anymore. The panic attacks started coming, not as bad as 10yrs ago, but not good. Now I'm nervous all the time. I remember having the thought--what if my panic returns? What if I become agoraphobic? What if I can't care for this child? etc etc, but I couldnt stop the thoughts from coming bc I just dont know what the future will hold. This time I'm not alone dealing with this, I have a partner (he's never seen me like this and doesnt really understand these disorders) and a baby coming (he's concerned I'm 'emotionally unstable' which makes me feel worse), I feel so much pressure to be ok. I wake up with an awful nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, so much fear. I woke up this morning and immediately thought, "oh my god what if I hurt my child? I shouldnt have gone through with the pregnancy". How do I stop a thought if it seems to be there the second I wake? I'm now scared again to drive anywhere, go anyplace, it's a living hell. I make myself go, I try to act as normal as I can, I get to work, and sometimes I do ok, other times the DP makes me panicky. I try so hard to ignore the DP or accept it but it has always been my nemesis dealing with this disorder. I feel so much guilt because now I feel like a crappy mom to be.
I have horrible negative thoughts that I try to turn around, but they keep coming and coming. I hate this so much. I'm scared I wont be able to attach to my child because of my anxiety and the DP. Everything feels surreal. I've had other moms-to-be tell me my fears are normal and everything will be fine, but it's not comforting me well. I feel like I have the most stubborn brain. I've started even thinking I should have never gone through with the pregnancy bc clearly I have too many issues. This life change was too much for me to handle. Part of me just wants the child to be here now so I know if this is just hormones and I can get a better grip on my mind, but I'm so scared to have this child now.
I can only blame myself for falling down this hole again. But a baby is coming and I need to be ok. I'm getting terrified of post partum issues since I feeling like I'm losing control of my emotions/anxiety now. I dont know how to make all this ok. My confidence is shot. I am going to hypnotherapy and it gives me relief at times, but so far nothing has helped me rid myself of all this fear. I know what's scaring me, but I dont know how to just let it go when I cant know how I will handle being mom or how I'll feel until it happens? Every day I make myself get out of my bed, riddled with fear, and face life. But I dont want to just be alive, I want to live, I want to enjoy life. I just want to be happy again, I dont know how to rid myself of all this fear and get the DP out of my life. If I cant remove the fear, i dont know if the DP will go. Terrible cycle. What happened to me??
