How to cope with partner who is part of the cause of the anxiety

I am in counseling to deal with this. We have been together for 24 yrs. My anxiety level has continued to rise and i got really sick this past year. Today is a typical day. I am trying to remain stress free. However, my partner still owes me promised money that I lent him to buy his truck a few yrs. ago. he promised to pay me back and pay for the monthly insurance bill. This happens rarely and only if I ask. i asked this morning and he countered with an unrelated issue that he thinks I need to take care of. I told him that he could take care of it. I didn't mention that the truck issue had nothing to do with this other issue. He went silent and left in his truck. I have no idea when he will be back. We had plans to go to a concert this afternoon but who knows if he will return or just go straight to the concert. i could have caved and said I would take care of the unrelated issue but I am trying to be a better advocate for myself. After he left, I did make the phone call he refused to make and started the process of resolving the issue. He is still going to have to be involved. I feel like I am living with a teenage son, not a 56 yr. old man.

Any advice of how to calm myself down this afternoon? If he doesn't come back in time for the concert, I am going to take my dog and go for a long walk and a bike ride. Then I will still have to deal with his silent treatment tonight.

yes, I am always the one to break the silence. I am not in such a hurry this time. I am doing my own thing, breathing and relaxing and planning my day tomorrow with a friend. I hope he come s out of it by Wed. for my 60th birthday.

Sometimes when men don't know what to do or feel put on the spot (even if it IS their own dang fault), I've found a lot of them tend to feel the need to retreat to a "cave" (physically or metaphorically) to get their thoughts together.

Plus, if you standing up for yourself is brand new, HE is the one who needs to adjust to this. Hold firm and hang tight. When you're both ready, gentle compromise.....

Keep posting.

Hubby and I have been through very rocky times as well.....We're doing extremely well now, but boy oh boy, I'd be lying if I didn't say there were times when we wanted to bonk each other over the noggins. Repeatedly.

Relationships, especially our close ones, tend to often be highlighted triggers for many of us.











M.

Okay, I get a better picture now.

I'll share my situation/history with you, and mind you, this is unique to me, and (because we always have to put disclaimers before all our posts where things might be suggested as advice, and so forth....Eventually we ought to come to write just the word "Disclaimer" and the whole group will know what it refers to).

So anyhoo,.....I am extremely happily married to the most wonderful Husband in the world and we live in a place where (if I could live anywhere in the world, it would be right here!) Happy, yes?

But let me assure you, it was not always peaches and cream. For actually most of our marriage we put each other through Hades and back, lacked communication, stormed out, pouted, bit our tongues, yelled and barked, accused, and for more reasons than I have space to get into, I was the one who had to apply the balm to our wounds and move on, usually in the guise of sweeping all this crap under the carpet, ignoring it, pretending it didn't exist or didn't bother me.

We came from a very hard and sometimes even very cruel place.

I got the whole therapy thing (even he wasn't willing because he didn't see a problem other than it was me)....I still went to therapy, and did my thing. BUT,....I also did my own forms of burying my head in the sand so I wouldn't upset him, so that I could dismiss our arguments, head off our fights,...

I felt like I was walking on crushed glass.

So after all that, (and each of us feeling our nerves were shot), we turned it around. I remember thanking him at one point and he looked at me and said (How's this for coming a long way): "I" didn't do it,...."WE" did this together....remember that!

I was floored.

Point of all this is,....it took ages, but I am proof it can still work.

IF it cannot, then, (disclaimer, etc., etc.) perhaps you need to consider alternatives?

BUT in the meantime, work ON YOU as a person, not as a wife or partner,....get your SELF stronger first, foremost, above all things!!











M.

Count me among those to whom this topic is relevant. I was raised in a very mellow, quiet family. My husband can be loud, complain a lot (often in jest, but it's still stressful), and he likes to tease. I love him to bits and he's a good man, but it's sometimes still hard to deal with his "difficult" personality.

The worst is that he tends to lack empathy. When I'm feeling sick (with the nausea, wooziness or dizziness that I get as anxiety symptoms -- he's OK with something more visible like a cold) he often gets angry and acts like it's an inconvenience to him, which of course just makes things worse.

This last time he suggested counseling because it was hard on our marriage. While that's not a bad idea at all, I wish he could see that feeling crummy all the time is WAY harder on me than it is on him. There's a reason the "in sickness and in health" part is included in wedding vows.

I appreciate all of the advice. As you know, life is complicated. No decision is an easy one. If I kick him out . (I own the farm), then I have so much to deal with, keep the farm or try to sell it. I have a lot to think about.

Thanks so much. I see my counselor next Monday. It is so great to have help available 24/7. The immediate crisis has passed but I know that if I mention his owing me money again, it will trigger the same response. i am trying so hard to de-stress but I also need to make it clear that his not living up to responsibilities is not acceptable.

Adding "passive-aggressive" into the burning flames doesn't help,...I know.

Really hoping things go well for you with therapy.

We're always here for you....













M.

Another event. He broke a teacup saucer that my parents bought for me in London when I was 5. I asked him why he could not say that he was sorry. I knew it was an accident and said so. His response was the same issue he responded with when I asked him for the money he had borrowed. How selfish and uncaring is that. The issue was a fence that our snowplowing man broke last winter. MY PARTNER INSISTS THAT IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CALL THE GUY TO FIX IT. I SAID THAT HE COULD JUST AS EASILY CALL HIM SINCE HE BUILT THE FENCE AND PAID FOR IT. He stormed out of the house and left for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is my 60th birthday . We just discussed going for a hike and dinner. Right now i don't want to do either with him. In the 24 yrs. I have known him, I think he has said "I am sorry" once.

I talked to my acupuncture doctor today about that. In the 24 yrs. we have been together I have never been as sick as i was during the past two yrs. She told me that before this, i had reserve energy to deal with his behavior, i don't now and the anxiety is a new disorder that scares me and has kept me from enjoying life. I am very sad and frustrated and don't know how to proceed. it has always been his perception of the world vs. mine.

Please don't worry about being polite. I worked on sailing ships for 12 yrs. so there are no swear words that I haven't heard. I also work with middle school kids so i have seen bad behavior but they usually grow out of it by high school. We try to teach all those good values.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY C.D.!!!!!!!!!!

I wish for you a day full of blessings, peace and happiness.

Despite any negative vibes going on around you...may you find joy in your special day.:)

We are sending H.W. high fives and B-day 'whoop-whoops'!!

S.C.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. As long as we don't talk about anything serious, we can have an enjoyable time. he bought me dinner for my birthday like nothing had happened last night.