Hi guys! It's just me...

Sorry I haven't been on to keep you all updated. I've been super busy since finding out my dad had cancer, trying to spend as much time with him as I could. On August 6 (my birthday ), my dad took a turn for the worse.
We had actually just came home from vacation, that I cut short because I had a bad feeling, and I was right. The next day I was going to go to my parents house and show my dad all the pictures we had taken at Mystic Seaport.

Never got to show him... During the night, when he got up to use his commode, he fell, that was around 4 AM. At that time, he was strong enough to help my mom get him back in the bed. Then come 7 AM he tried to get up, and fell again. This time my brother had to get up and literally pick him up off the floor and put him back in his bed, where he would remain, because the hospice nurse said he either had a stroke, or the cancer had spread to his brain.

I spent every day at my mom's side, from morning to night, and sometimes spending the night with her, even though I only live literally 2 minutes from her front door to mine. The last night I spent there was the night I KNEW "it" was going to happen. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't talk (besides some moaning and groaning).... nothing.

I sat with him for a while that night, I told him everything that I wanted him to know, and I told him it was ok to let go, he could "go home" when he was ready. My mom also told him the same thing. So after telling him how much I loved him, and how wonderful he was as a father, and of course lots of hugs and kisses, and tears on my part, I finally went downstairs around 5 AM to sleep on the couch for a few hours.

When I woke up, I went to the bathroom and went to check his feet for more mottling, he had started the day before. When I walked into the room, my mom was in there with the aide that was sent to give him his bed bath, and the aide is talking to him, telling him her name, and telling him she was there to clean him up a bit.

I looked at my mom and I said "Mom, he's not breathing!" What I had feared the most had become the truth. My daddy left us on August 14th. It was only 49 days after he was diagnosed!

I am going through a very hard time right now, it seems to be hitting me the hardest at this point in time, 3 weeks later. I am deeply depressed, my anxiety and panic attacks are through the roof, I have insomnia probably due to the fact that I'm scared to go to sleep because ever since he "left", I have been having horrible nightmares and very strange dreams. My fibromyalgia is flaring up BIG TIME and my body is so sore.

I have been trying to stay steady with only taking my xanax 3 times a day like I always have, but some days I have to take an extra 1/2 mg. just to make it through the day. I am seriously considering trying to go back on Zoloft again. I don't know how much more I can take of this. Sometimes the xanax doesn't even feel like it's working at all!

Sorry for such a long post, but I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten any of you, but this has been my life for that last 3 months.

Love to all! (((HUGS)))
Fox

Super-sized ^^ditto^^ to what S.C. wrote!

As she said,....a thousand fold.

I also lost my Father (to cancer as well), so I'd like to give you top marks for having the brave strength and courage to spend the time with him that you did.

You are in my thoughts and prayers....

((hugs))











M.

Thank you all so very much! It means the world to me to have such an awesome support group that I can come to when I'm overwhelmed like this. I'm not sure why it's hitting me so hard now, three weeks later...

Sometimes I think that it's just the reality hitting me that I will never hear his voice again, or see his smiling face as he's playing with the the great grand babies, or even joking around with me and my mom. I try to go to my mom's every day, I think there's been a total of two days that I haven't been there with her since he's been gone.

I can't really handle all of the changes going on at the house right now either. My dad was an avid collector of old cans, and tin & porcelain signs, and now that he's gone my mom has taken everything down and started remodeling her whole kitchen. To top that off, my brother started ripping walls down from a closet that was built in my dad's bedroom, and he's taking over that room now. He started doing this demolition THE DAY AFTER my dad passed! I lost my mind, it feels like everyone's doing all of this stuff to get rid of any traces of him, and I'm just thinking to myself.... "can I just have a darn minute to digest all of this!?"

The problem is, when I get home, usually late at night, I just sit here and cry. I just miss him so much, and I pray to God that it gets easier as time goes on. I can't even talk about him without getting a lump in my throat, and getting all teared up, or even crying. I'm crying right now just typing this.

Please tell me it gets better. I feel so lost, like no one can help me. My husband has been trying to help, but I am just pushing him away, and I don't know why. I just don't want to be bothered most of the time, by anyone, not just him.

I tend to hide in my room a lot lately. I think I just need the peace and quiet of my "safe spot". I'm trying to pull myself out of this pit, but it's really hard! I pray to God every night for Him to help me, and most of the time it will sooth me enough to be able to go to sleep.

That is the one thing I've always done. I always fell back to my faith in God when I was going through hard times in my life, and He has never failed me. I'm just hoping He gives me the strength I need to get through this, which I'm sure He will.

Anyway, thanks again for all the kind words. I really do appreciate it, and I love you all dearly!

(((Big Hugs))) Fox

Thank you SC! You don't know how good it feels to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Everyone else was saying I am "overreacting". But the way I look at it, is people deal with things in their own way, and it really feels like they are taking something from me that I am not ready to give up just yet.

BUT, I took all of the old signs he had, and a few cans, and I will be hanging them in my own kitchen. If anything, there will always be a piece of my dad in my home, besides his favorite recliner that my mom gave me.

I know he will always be with me in my heart, and I will always think of him, and when the sun is shining, and when fall finally gets here.... That was always our favorite time of year. It's just hard to accept that he took a turn so quickly, and on my birthday at that!

Thank you SOOO, much SC, you really don't know how much better you've made me feel! I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I feel about the whole remodeling thing going on, but your right, some people need to adjust first before making such drastic changes.

Thinking of you and praying for your comfort as well for the loss of your friend.

I feel so horrible that I didn't even think to ask about Kitt..... how's she doing? I hope she's doing well, I don't see any recent posts from her on here.

Fox

Fox, I'm so sorry to hear about your father passing. I can imagine this has stirred up alot of emotions for you. Please remember that alot of what you are going through is normal, and warranted. Allow yourself to cry and mourn your father's passing. You're probably experiencing more now, because during the crisis, you were strong and now your body is feeling the after effects. Please know that I'm thinking of you! BIG HUG, Lisa