Concerned about pregnancy and health

Tough situation you are in TiredStressedDone. It sounds like you care a TON about your family and want to live in such a way that everyone is well taken care of. I applaud you for that. :) It also sounds like you are scared that you won't be a GREAT Mommy if you add the new responsibilities (baby #2) to the day? This is just what I am getting from what you're writing? Am I on target here?

I recently had baby #3, and had/currently have post partum anxiety with it, so I can see how you may be concerned for how the future will go. To be straight up with you, PPA is not easy in any way. In fact, it is the HARDEST thing I have EVER gone through. It's probably a LOT like the emotions you are trying to sort through right now. SUPER HARD. SUPER DEFEATING.

Here's the kicker though: It is worth it. There have been many days when I feel as though I can't continue, but it has been worth it. There have been countless episodes of panic, but it is worth it. As we continue to transition as a family, the days are slowly getting easier and back into a normal rhythm. My youngest is approaching 8 months old, and her precious smile makes it all worth it.

You can get through this. It may take the support of your extended family, but that's what family is for. It may take extra support from your husband, and that's ok. It may take the whole village to help you out, and that's absolutely fine. It may be uncomfortable, feel absolutely terrible, make you think you've lost your mind, but you can make it through these messy feelings.

I heard from a friend that the extra hormones from IVF made her feel absolutely loopy. She said it was the TOUGHEST time of her life. She's doing a LOT better now though. She had to wait through the yucky yuck, but now she is one week away from her due date and feeling almost normal again.

Just think back to a week or so ago when you were SO HAPPY and excited about the baby. Make a choice to stick it out, and don't look back. You can do this!

Thank you ladies so much for your kind and understanding words! Thank you for realizing my fears and for realizing they are coming from a place of TRUE LOVE for my family. Thank you for seeing that I haven't just had a change of heart about having baby #2, but I've had a change of mental status! This week is going to be a big week for me, because I have some major steps being taken. I'm going for extra ultrasounds to try and feel connected to the baby and to try and remember what an exciting time it is when you get to see your little baby growing and changing. I've also just left a message for a pdoc who specializes in perinatal and postnatal care and I'm going to basically beg her to see me. I will not lie to you all. I do have an appointment scheduled for 9/15 to terminate the pregnancy. I did this because I will only be 10 weeks along and I feel that developmentally, I am still comfortable ending the pregnancy at that time. However, the private doctor that I've seen can terminate in his office up until 14 weeks, so my prayer is that the pdoc will be able to help me come up with a plan and maybe give me some reassurance and at the very least, I can cancel the appointment and give it a couple more weeks to see if we can get my head on straight.

I do want to be a GREAT mom and a GREAT wife and I feel like such a failure right now. I have had panic disorder for about 10 years, but it's come and gone and always been managed with low dose Xanax and yoga/CBT. This IVF experience has done some serious damage to me and to say the drugs made me loopy is a gross understatement. I've contacted my fertility doctor and let them know how badly they've failed me, because I constantly asked for help and all they said was hang in there. I let them know how common anxiety and depression are and how they should be more proactive about the care of high risk patients. I don't think any woman EVER should be in the position that I'm in right now.

1/4 of the way there. That's always a great moment in pregnancy. :) Hormones can be really debilitating, but don't be too hard on yourself right now about your situation. You're pregnant, and you have anxiety. Just being pregnant is enough of a reason to be feeling bad. When I'm pregnant, I spend the first 28 weeks or so throwing up many times each day. I spend a majority of the time laying on the couch, belly aching about how icky I feel. My children and my husband play second fiddle to my icks and aches. I think this is just how pregnancy goes.

I was a lot like you. I wanted husband and kid to have a good life, even though I was being what I considered a "terrible wife/mom." I actually felt so guilty during pregnancy #2 that I called up my husband's brother and asked him to hang out with my husband because I had been out of commission for SO LONG and felt like I was failing my duties. And I had my mother come once a week, and my mother in law on a different day, to take the kids out for a fun day so that I would feel that they were still living an enriched life. They each live an hour away, so that was a lot of work on their part, but they were grateful to do it.

But the fact is, it is HARD to let others help us. In today's day and age, there is a lot of false pressure put on Mommy's to be perfect. We don't have to be perfect though, pregnancy puts our bodies, minds and spirits into a very delicate place. Especially for those of us who are really struggling just to make it through an hour of the day.

But here's what I bet. I bet your husband wants to be there for you too, just as much as you want to be there for him. And I bet that if you choose to move forward with the pregnancy, that years down the road, your child will be having a great time playing with his or her brother or sister and not remember a single bit about the months that you had a tough time during your pregnancy. Here's what else I bet. I bet that if you keep this pregnancy, a year or so down the road that your sweet little baby will be grasping onto his/her sweet mama, and it will make every bit of suffering you went through worth it.

I'm not saying that it will be easy to stick this out, because hormones are super controlling and super debilitating. I am just saying that it is possible to ride out this terrible storm and wait for a brighter day. My motto as I live through my anxiety is just that: Rejoice on the good days, and try to ride out the bad ones as best as you can. It's not easy, not at all, but with support, you can ride out this storm.

I hope your ultrasounds go well too. :)

You are in my prayers TSD
May you find peace

I appreciate it. Your prayers mean a lot. I know it's been difficult to support me, but please know that my family was put first when I made this choice. I have to give them my best self. This is what happy to happen. :(

I'm so sorry that this is the decision you've had to make. I really feel like you have made it based on not having any other choice. I hope all goes well for you and that you are on the road to feeling better soon. My heart aches for you. Thinking of you and always here for you.

Post whenever you need to as you work through this. I'll be here for support when you need me. I wish there was more I could do. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now.

TSD- how are you doing?

TSAD.,

You are in my prayers today.

S.C.

Thank you presence. Your words are so kind and so appreciated.

The anger and regret has set in. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate my IVF doctor for not helping me get through the insanity or changing my drugs to something that would maybe help me feel some relief. I hate myself for not being able to give my son a sibling. I hate that I now worry about him growing up lonely as an only child. I hate myself for having panic attacks. I regret that I felt like I had no other choice. I hate myself because now I miss the baby that I will never hold in my arms. I'm afraid I will grieve forever and while I've prayed and asked God to forgive me, my main fear is that I can never forgive myself. My husband tells me this was our only choice. That I had reached out for help and tried every possible option, but he/we didn't believe that I was going to be able to care for two young children. He also feared that the pregnancy was not a safe one, as it started off with many complications and it had been determined that I had a sizable blood clot that could have caused a bit of trouble, as well as early placenta previa that could have had me on bed rest. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I've never felt so alone in my life. I miss the baby that I chose not to have and is don't deserve to miss this child. I made my bed and now I must lie in it. I'm so sad for my son to not have a brother or sister.

Are there any only children on here or parents of only children who can reassure me that my son will not hate growing up alone, without that sibling bond? My husband has a sister but they are far from close and he says we have nothing to worry about. I also have a sister and while I hated her growing up, we still played together and we are very close now.

I'm so depressed over the decision I've made and it's just not helping the panic attacks. I still feel that my decision was the responsible one and oddly, so does my family. They don't feel my son was getting the mother he deserves. I guess I just didn't realize that it would hurt so bad. I think about my baby everyday. I know it was a girl and I talk to her and tell her that I love her and never to worry and that she was wanted. I try to explain that I've given her back to God because he could take better care of her than I could. But the pain just won't go away.

TSD.,

My thoughts and prayers are with you now.

There are people who are available to talk to and offer free counsel through the Community Pregnancy Centers. They are a nationwide organization that offers post-procedure care and counseling for those dealing with the experiences and feelings that you are describing.

I wish you peace and healing.

S.C.

MissGigi, I do have a therapist, but his focus is more on anxiety and CBT. I think I'm going to start looking for someone who still specializes in anxiety/panic, but maybe also fertility and things of that nature. Also, I think it may be helpful for me to switch to a woman, who may have a better understanding of just how badly hormones can impact you. Speaking of, I read your post and while I'm in no position to give advice right now, I would say avoid having to freeze your eggs at all costs. The process is like having a full time job and if you do believe that hormones play a role in your anxiety issues, I would avoid fertility treatments if at all possible.

My husband and I have talked all day and decided to make no future decisions. This way, things don't feel so final. Maybe someday my son will have a sibling, or maybe I'll recover from this and realize that all things in life happen for a reason. I dunno. I guess the goal is just to get through each day.

Melodee, thank you for that information. I'll have a look for sure.